SHUT DOWN
I am blessed to have people in my life who ask me the difficult questions that I don’t want to answer. Even more blessed that they know I don’t want to answer, and push me through. Last night a friend of mine did just that, and I have been thinking about it ever since.
Last night was rough for me in Ministerial Duties class. I knew when I walked in I didn’t want to be there, and almost left during the first break. I hung out, and on break my friends Katherine and Cody spent some time with me and we just talked about some things, which of course is where the tough questions came in. Katherine has a way of reading me, and although I don’t often respond emotionally to things, she found my tell. She said that when I get emotional about things my chest and neck get red, something I never realized. We talked for a while, and although she pushed me a few times, I never answered her question of what I was feeling when a particular topic came up.
The truth is, I don’t know. I have spent much of my life blocking out the things that make me uncomfortable or unhappy. I blocked out most of my childhood for that reason. The challenge is that I have a strong desire to write a book to help others. I want to share my experiences so that others can learn from them. The bigger challenge is that I have blocked out many experiences, particularly the emotional part of those experiences. It’s interesting that this topic came up in our discussion last night, since I have been reflecting on this very subject for several days. I want to write a book, but where do I begin? How do I explain certain experiences, when I can’t bring myself back to those moments to re-experience them? I tend to approach them in a completely non-emotional way, they are things that happened and they are what they are. While I believe this is true, I also don’t believe that I can TRULY overcome these things if I don’t approach them on an emotional level. See my quandary?
It is really quite interesting when I think about it. I am an empath, so in reality I tend to be extremely emotional. The thing is that it is other people’s emotions that I am feeling… I don’t know how to feel my own emotions and I don’t know when that happened. When I truly think about it, I think I may have always been that way with certain things. I’m famous with those who know me best for “shutting down”. How can I heal, and how can I teach if I shut down. It frustrates me because I AM a healer, and maybe I am because I can be objective with other people’s issues, but how much better could I be if I could come to terms with my own emotions?
So hold on, it gets better. In class last night we were talking about how, as ministers, we will deal with domestic violence situations, suicide and sexual or physical abuse. These are all things I have experienced, and while I was uncomfortable in the beginning, I just continued to get more and more agitated throughout the class. I was anxious, agitated and aggravated and I just wanted to run, which I did by the way at 9:15. There were many factors in my desire to run, and on the surface it was because of all the energy in the room, and some peoples’ needs to be right and not open to others’ perspectives or feelings. When I think about it more though I believe that is my chicken exit. Some people use humor, I use shut down. I envision it as red lights flashing in my brain and sirens blaring with someone on a megaphone repeatedly yelling “SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN”. I have had the opportunity to see recently how often I really do that, and more importantly how it affects me.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t believe in being a victim to anything that I have experienced. But am I serving myself by not feeling anything at all? I don’t think I am at all, actually the more I think about it I believe it is a cop-out. However, I have been doing it for so long, the truth is that I don’t even know how to begin to learn how to feel or explain my emotions. If you ask me, I’ll always be fine. That’s not a very good way to work toward letting people in is it? More importantly, it certainly isn’t a very good way to explain my experiences and help other people.
So where do I begin then? The voice inside me says I must start at the beginning. I don’t know what the beginning is. Is it the moment that I was abruptly born and came sliding out of my mother onto the floor? Clearly I don’t remember that, but I have no doubt in my soul that it impacted my life. . . Or is this very moment the beginning? Is it this moment that I get to choose to feel what I feel and put it into words without self judgement and with out the fear that anyone else will judge me for those feelings?
How do you go from being that strong woman who, while empathetic, can’t feel any of her own feelings? How do you go from being completely NOT vulnerable to opening up and allowing others to support you and help you, and even sometimes carry you along some parts of your journey.
Well, I guess you start at the beginning. My truth is that the beginning is this very moment, this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. While I still have no idea how I would even begin to “feel” after all this time, I do know that I have some serious angels surrounding me, both on the spiritual level and those who were brought to me in physical form. I choose to believe they were brought to me for this very reason, to take hold of my beginning, to work backwards and to share my journey with anyone who wants to listen and who may benefit from it.
What I have discovered is that suppressing my emotions certainly hasn’t served me. Even though we tend to believe that numbness is feeling nothing, neither good or bad, truly numbness feels a lot like emptiness. I choose today to lean on those people who have stepped in my life to hold me up when I feel like I can’t stand on my own. This is not something I have ever done, nor wanted to do. But today, I realize that I need it, that they want that for me, and that I deserve it.
We were brought here to love and to receive love. By not allowing others to love us, we are taking something extremely miraculous away from not only ourselves, but from those people. We are ALL deserving of love, love of God, of Spirit, of the Universe, of nature, of everything…. because we ARE love. Each of us is love, deserving of love, and meant to share our love with others. We are doing everyone a dis-service if we aren’t allowing both.
That’s my story for today. I’m sure there will be more to come on this topic, as it is bound to be an interesting journey.
-Blessings
Enlightenment
Since posting updates about my logo for my future business I have been asked a lot of questions about what I’m doing and if I am ending my current business. I thought I would share an update about what is really going on with me to clear up any confusion.
First of all, while my current business is changing slightly and doesn’t look exactly like I expected it to, it is exactly what it is supposed to be. I am currently a Self-Employed Real Estate Broker doing Transaction Management and Short Sale Facilitation for a select group of clients. While the dynamic of that business has changed slightly due to school, my desires and some unforeseen circumstances, it is my livelihood and I love it.
So what the heck am I going to school for? Well that’s a great question, it comes up often and has become a great topic of conversation. I am currently attending Southwest Institute of Healing Arts in Tempe. When all is said and done, I will have an Associates Degree in Mind Body Transformational Psychology, I will be an Ordained Minister, Certified Life Coach and Reiki Master. What does it all mean??? Simply put, Mind Body Transformational Psychology is simply an holistic approach to Psychology. I have been interested in that subject since I was a child, so finding this more holistic/spiritual-based program was perfect for me. By completing my Spiritual Studies Program, I will become Ordained. Not in any specific religion, since quite honestly ONE particular Religion doesn’t resonate with me, AND I am not a fan of Organized Religion. I am blessed to be a part of this program and have the opportunity to learn about all of the World Religions. This will benefit me as I can work with people of all different faiths and spiritual backgrounds. Life Coaching and Reiki are exactly what they are. Reiki is basically a healing modality utilizing hands-on healing and energy work.
What are you going to do with all that? That’s a great question, and attending the Business Development class I am currently in has really forced me to look at that. There are many options, I could work for someone else, or start my own business. I have decided that once I am finished with my schooling I will be starting my own practice. That doesn’t mean I will be shutting down or ending my current business, it just may look like more leverage. I’m doing this because I have always felt like there is something more for me, and I believe I have finally found it. I believe my mission here on earth is to help people, and while I do that daily since my business is basically a support business, I wanted to go deeper.
So what does it look like? It looks like a practice where I can utilize my Psychology Studies to build a strong life-coaching, business-coaching and spiritual coaching practice. Being Ordained I will also perform weddings, funeral and other sacred ceremonies. I will also practice Reiki and other healing modalities where I have the opportunity to utilize other types of Divination Tools. It’s all very exciting, and truly it make my heart full just thinking about it.
So, what’s with the name and the logo? This was easy for me. When I found out I had to start preparing the business for my class, the name and logo were the first things to come to mind. Rose of Sharon….why? Easy! Well my mother’s favorite flower was the Hibiscus and there happens to be a form of Hibiscus called the Rose of Sharon….My mother’s name was also Sharon. My mother was and still is a huge driving force in my life, she left a legacy for us and I plan on passing that on to others. I believe that by doing this work I am not only passing on her legacy, but sharing HER gifts with others. She would have loved what I am doing, and if she were still here I have a feeling she would have enrolled in school with me because she loved this type of work. This work cannot be described, as it is not only incredibly healing for clients, but along the way I am able to do a lot of healing myself.
So, keep your eyes and ears out ladies and gentlemen! There are some huge things coming along and lots of shifts happening. And, since I’m here I may as well give myself a plug…If you or anyone you know think you could benefit from coaching, a reading or any other type of healing, or even just to talk I would love to hear from you.
AND, I can’t post a blog without a lesson because that has become my thing. So here’s my lesson for today. If you can dream it, you can do it. And if you’re at a place where you don’t know what that dream is, have faith because it will come. My entire life I have been a salaried employee, I counted on my paycheck and I did whatever people told me. This year I made the jump not only to go back to school, but to drop everything and start my own business, basically on faith alone. I truly thought that I would be an “employee” all my life, and while there is nothing wrong with that it isn’t what I wanted. So keep your faith and know that you CAN do whatever you want to do, and what you want does want you back!
Blessings!
I hope you didn’t count me out just yet, because yes I am back once again. It’s been 5 or 6 months since you have heard from me, so let me give you a brief summary of what has been going on.
This year has been a huge journey from me, from starting a new job to leaving a new job to starting my own business and starting back in school. It truly has been a year of learning experiences for me, and in all honesty I’m just in a completely different place than I have been. . . and I’m loving the ride.
I went to Oregon on September, because I’m very drawn there and would one day like to move there. As I laid on the massage table at our hotel (I bought myself a birthday massage, hey I earned it!) the light came on in my head that it was time to go back to school. I started at SWIHA last year, but was unable to really commit due to my job and my own commitment level, and clearly my inability to find balance. Truly a big part of why I left my job last year was because I was trying to get to this place of finding my purpose and following that path through school. At the beginning of this year I think I just got caught up in trying to survive I lost sight of that, but it hit me smack in the forehead as I was on that massage table. So, the first thing I did when I came home from Oregon? Re-register for school! I run my own business, make my own hours, choose my clients, really what better time?
Making the decision to go back to school really forced me to decide what was important to me, and I tell you what, it isn’t “stuff”. While I have never considered myself a materialistic person, I have been blessed for many years to make very comfortable money. When I decided to start my own business I really didn’t have that cushion I would have liked to and just dove in. That decision has forced me to live a simpler life, which in fact is what I have been trying to do for years. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge! So here I am running my business and going to school full time. My focus has been taken away from building a mega-business and put on living a purposeful life. I am making less money now than I have probably in 15 years and I am happier than I have ever been. Yes I said it, I am starting to be filled by a sense of peace that I haven’t been able to find…ever. I choose my clients, knowing by doing so I am limiting my income, but expanding that peace, I say that is a FAIR trade. I have an extremely small clientele, each and every one I consider a friend, who are supporting me through this journey, and who are rooting me on from the sidelines, and I am truly blessed by that.
So, I could go on for days, I have so much to share, so many light bulbs that have been turned on on my head. On Monday at school I had a classmate tell me that I am supposed to share my voice, THAT is why I’m back. Not only to share with you, whoever decides to read this, the things that I have learned and experienced, but also to reflect on these things myself.
Since my Mom passed away almost 7 years ago, I have said that I want to share her legacy. The classmate I mentioned above said to me not too long ago, that I also have my own legacy to share. So, my hope is that just one of my blogs, maybe 5 of my words will have an effect on someone’s life.
I would also like to take a moment to thank some people, who truly have been beyond supportive in the many changes that I have been going through the past few months. My sisters, first and foremost for just being supportive and constantly reminding me that they are here for me. My dad, well just for being my Dad. Mac, I don’t have words for you. For renting me a desk in your office for free, for being a great client, for being a great partner, for my heart hugs, for listening to me share what I learned in class, and for just being you! Cameron, my best friend who has kindly dealt with my attitude shifts (nice way of wording that huh?) Our relationship is going through some changes, but you will always be my bestie. Josh G, I’m so glad I finally talked you into utilizing my services. We don’t see each other often, but you have a great energy, and I’m proud to be in business with you. There really are too many people to thank, wow! David B, my Teddy Baird, I just love you. Kevin & Fred, I’m not on your team anymore, and I don’t get to see you much, but I continue to be blessed by both of you, and I can’t thank you enough for being there when I have truly needed you. To EVERYONE in my life, who is witnessing my journey and not telling me that I will hate Oregon, or that I’m crazy, or any of the other negative crap I have heard over the last year…thank you and that’s why you are still in my life. 
I have no time for negativity, and quite frankly, neither should any of you.
Life is short, live much and love often. Remember life isn’t about the things.
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