February
It truly is amazing how our subconscious mind works. I chug along with life and one day I wake up and just feel blue. Not like the blue where you just wake up in a funk, but the blue that kind of takes you over and you cry about everything. (Since I’m not a person who cries a lot, I take notice). I look up and I say what the heck is wrong with me? And then I notice the date and it makes sense. Yes it’s February. February, it used to be such an exciting month, 3 birthdays in my family plus the birthdays of over 20 friends (apparently May and June are big months for making whoopie, probably because no matter where you live it’s too hot to go outside). Anyway, as I was saying, up until 7 years ago, February was a great month. Lots of celebrations, laughter and love. The second month of the year, so if I made resolutions now would be the time where I went back to not having any, the year is well on its way and we are looking forward to a great year ahead.
But that all changed for me and my family 7 years ago. I fight the battle in my head wishing I could skip February, but not wanting to rob my sister and my Dad of their birthday celebrations. I think about how they must feel, knowing they feel the same way I do, and knowing a month that used to be celebration for them is just sad for them too. In my heart, knowing that I am not the only one in my family who at some point early in February wakes up with feelings of dread, sadness, emptiness and loss. This for me is February since my Mom passed away.
Throughout the year I have my good days and my bad moments. A memory could spark and I feel sadness for a little while and then a song comes on that reminds me that she is here and I am okay. February though, is different. I wake up feeling empty and heavy all at the same time, I say to myself “It’s going to be a great day” but that feeling, that truly I could never put into words, never really goes away. A song comes on that reminds me that she is here and I just sob and wish that she truly was. I’m a person who pretty good at hiding my emotions, I refuse to be a victim to anything in life, but this is different. So some days in February, I wake up and I cry before I get out of bed and I wonder how I’m going to get out of the little funk I’m in, and by the end of the day I realize I never did. People say stuff like “What’s wrong with you today?”, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?”, “Bitchy much?”, “Are you going to be like this all day?”
We’re in this time where people are uncomfortable with emotion, where we are constantly hearing “Don’t be a victim” or “You need to get out of that victim mentality” and we start to bottle everything up an refuse to show what we are feeling because we’re worried about how others will treat us. Well here are my two cents on the “victim” subject. I am a HUGE believer in not being a “victim”, BUT does that mean that we aren’t supposed to feel? Or do we at some point need to acknowledge that we are feeling sad, or lonely, or angry and just be with it and feel it. And maybe that means that we are gloomy or cranky for a day, a week or even a month, and maybe it doesn’t mean that anyone needs to fix us.
When someone we care about passes away we hear “It will get easier with time”, “Time heals all wounds”, “I know how you feel”. Here’s some ugly truth for you. It does not get easier with time, my wounds aren’t healed and you have no freakin idea how I feel. We choose our emotions right? We choose how we allow others to make us feel, so I choose this, I choose today to be gloomy and sad and cry my little heart out and I choose NOT to feel guilty for what some people want to call being a “victim”. And truly, as a friend of someone who has lost someone, please know that you can’t fix it and you can’t make it better. That’s not what being a friend is about. Maybe that person needs you to just be there, be with, and not say a word. For some reason as humans we feel this need to fix people and make them feel better so we try to say the right things, that truly just turn out to be the wrong things, simply because we have become so uncomfortable just being in the moment with someone. My very favorite poem is called “The Invitation” by Oriah, one paragraph rings in my head often.
“I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.”
Last year, on the anniversary of my Mother’s death I woke up in a hotel room just crying. I look back on that day often because it was such a terrible day for me. My best friend had no idea how to make me feel better and two things he said still pop in my head and bother me to my bone. First he said “You should be celebrating her life”. To which of course I responded “I celebrated her life last week on her birthday, today I’m morning her loss.” DUH!! Then later he asked me if I was “going to be gloomy all day.” To which of course I shot back “I might be, is that a problem for you?” I was angry with him for a long time because of those two things. I can’t lie, when I think about it I’m still angered. All I needed was him to just sit there and be with me, not finding it necessary to fill the space with words.
So here I sit on February 4th looking forward at what the month holds for me. Tomorrow I will have breakfast with the most important people in my life and celebrate the birthdays of my Sister and my Dad. On February 15th, I will wake up and celebrate the life that my mother’s 61st birthday and a week later on the 22nd I will wake up and mourn her loss. In between I will wake up and I will have my good days and bad days. Memories will undoubtedly pop in my head that I forgot about and I will laugh or cry (or both) at the flip of a switch. I will hear more songs that remind me of my Mom than any other time of the year, I will hear her voice and smell her perfume. I will be reminded that it doesn’t get easier, and maybe it isn’t supposed to. I will be reminded that my reason for being here is to do what would make her proud, and I will. I will create new beginnings this month, a new project, new milestones, wonderful things that make her proud and provide sparks of light and hope for when next February comes around. I will wake up and thank God for my life, my family and the amazing blessings that I have in my life and I will hope for a better day. I will strive to be a better person tomorrow than I was today and I will be reminded that when someone I love is hurting, maybe I don’t have to try to fix it….maybe they just need me to be there.
There are few lessons in this one… I’ll let you find them on your own.
I’ll end today by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my family and friends this month and by saying I miss you to death my sweet angel.
Blessings….
The Invitation
The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.
By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
Enlightenment
Since posting updates about my logo for my future business I have been asked a lot of questions about what I’m doing and if I am ending my current business. I thought I would share an update about what is really going on with me to clear up any confusion.
First of all, while my current business is changing slightly and doesn’t look exactly like I expected it to, it is exactly what it is supposed to be. I am currently a Self-Employed Real Estate Broker doing Transaction Management and Short Sale Facilitation for a select group of clients. While the dynamic of that business has changed slightly due to school, my desires and some unforeseen circumstances, it is my livelihood and I love it.
So what the heck am I going to school for? Well that’s a great question, it comes up often and has become a great topic of conversation. I am currently attending Southwest Institute of Healing Arts in Tempe. When all is said and done, I will have an Associates Degree in Mind Body Transformational Psychology, I will be an Ordained Minister, Certified Life Coach and Reiki Master. What does it all mean??? Simply put, Mind Body Transformational Psychology is simply an holistic approach to Psychology. I have been interested in that subject since I was a child, so finding this more holistic/spiritual-based program was perfect for me. By completing my Spiritual Studies Program, I will become Ordained. Not in any specific religion, since quite honestly ONE particular Religion doesn’t resonate with me, AND I am not a fan of Organized Religion. I am blessed to be a part of this program and have the opportunity to learn about all of the World Religions. This will benefit me as I can work with people of all different faiths and spiritual backgrounds. Life Coaching and Reiki are exactly what they are. Reiki is basically a healing modality utilizing hands-on healing and energy work.
What are you going to do with all that? That’s a great question, and attending the Business Development class I am currently in has really forced me to look at that. There are many options, I could work for someone else, or start my own business. I have decided that once I am finished with my schooling I will be starting my own practice. That doesn’t mean I will be shutting down or ending my current business, it just may look like more leverage. I’m doing this because I have always felt like there is something more for me, and I believe I have finally found it. I believe my mission here on earth is to help people, and while I do that daily since my business is basically a support business, I wanted to go deeper.
So what does it look like? It looks like a practice where I can utilize my Psychology Studies to build a strong life-coaching, business-coaching and spiritual coaching practice. Being Ordained I will also perform weddings, funeral and other sacred ceremonies. I will also practice Reiki and other healing modalities where I have the opportunity to utilize other types of Divination Tools. It’s all very exciting, and truly it make my heart full just thinking about it.
So, what’s with the name and the logo? This was easy for me. When I found out I had to start preparing the business for my class, the name and logo were the first things to come to mind. Rose of Sharon….why? Easy! Well my mother’s favorite flower was the Hibiscus and there happens to be a form of Hibiscus called the Rose of Sharon….My mother’s name was also Sharon. My mother was and still is a huge driving force in my life, she left a legacy for us and I plan on passing that on to others. I believe that by doing this work I am not only passing on her legacy, but sharing HER gifts with others. She would have loved what I am doing, and if she were still here I have a feeling she would have enrolled in school with me because she loved this type of work. This work cannot be described, as it is not only incredibly healing for clients, but along the way I am able to do a lot of healing myself.
So, keep your eyes and ears out ladies and gentlemen! There are some huge things coming along and lots of shifts happening. And, since I’m here I may as well give myself a plug…If you or anyone you know think you could benefit from coaching, a reading or any other type of healing, or even just to talk I would love to hear from you.
AND, I can’t post a blog without a lesson because that has become my thing. So here’s my lesson for today. If you can dream it, you can do it. And if you’re at a place where you don’t know what that dream is, have faith because it will come. My entire life I have been a salaried employee, I counted on my paycheck and I did whatever people told me. This year I made the jump not only to go back to school, but to drop everything and start my own business, basically on faith alone. I truly thought that I would be an “employee” all my life, and while there is nothing wrong with that it isn’t what I wanted. So keep your faith and know that you CAN do whatever you want to do, and what you want does want you back!
Blessings!
To Parent From Child
Tonight when I came home from class I was looking for something I was hoping I had taken from my parents’ house that had been my mother’s. While I didn’t find what I was looking for, I did find an article that she had clipped out of a magazine many many years ago. I remember the day she did, it must have been 15-20 years ago, and I remember that she kept it by her bed. She made some underlines and some stars of the items that touched her most, and I truly believe she studied it. For that reason, I thought I would share, as every time I read it, I am touched. I am going to italicize everything she underlined, and there is one item that she circled so I’ll bold that one. That article in itself is a lesson, and I hope that it will touch someone in some way, or make them think differently. I think it also gives a small look into the type of parent she was.
MEMO
To: Parents
From: Child
1. Don’t spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have everything I ask for – I’m only testing you.
2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.
3. Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.
4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly “big”.
5. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
6. Don’t make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of value.
7. Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.
8. Don’t be too upset when I say “I hate you.” Sometimes it isn’t you I hate but your power to thwart me.
9. Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.
10. Don’t nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
11. Don’t forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I am not always accurate.
12. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.
13. Don’t be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
14. Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
15. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me to great a shock when I discover that you are neither.
16. Don’t ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you.
17. Don’t forget I love experimenting. I couldn’t get along without it, so please put up with it.
18. Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please do try.
19. Don’t forget that I don’t thrive without lots of love and understanding, but I don’t need to tell you, do I?
20. Please keep fit and healthy. I need you!
Author Unknown
I think we are in a time where parents work entirely too many hours and often compensate by giving their kids what they want or forget to communicate with them. There was a time in my life that I literally had only my sisters and my mother and absolutely nothing else. I have news for you, those were some of the best times of our lives.
It isn’t the gifts we buy our kids, or the video games, the ipods, the cell phones that we remember as we grow into adults. It’s the time we spent at the dinner table together, the lessons our parents taught us that we didn’t understand at the time, the time we look out into the audience or the stands and see our parent(s) rooting us on (NOT ON THEIR CELL PHONE), the hugs and kisses and the countless “I Love Yous”. They may not appreciate it now, but I can promise you they will when they grow up. It goes quickly, don’t waste it.
Blessings
Happy 60th Birthday to My Beloved Mother
Tomorrow would have been my Mother’s 60th birthday….Next Tuesday will be 6 years that she is gone. Whoever said it gets easier lied. Some have said it doesn’t get easier, you just cry less. I would challenge that as well, you just cry less in public, you learn to do it in private. I don’t want to take this time to whine though, I want to take this time to pay tribute to my Mother.
Only those who were blessed to have met her could possibly have any idea what a unique and amazing woman she was. I have heard from countless people how she touched their lives, and in reality few of those people even really knew her inside and out. Most saw an extremely beautiful woman whose make up was always perfect, whose lipstick was flawless, and whose smile lit up a room. A woman who in her own hidden pains, spent so much time taking away other peoples’ pain. Many people saw a woman who loved her children more than herself, and who gushed when she spoke about or looked at her husband….most never knew about the extremely turbulant times she endured during the first half of her life. Some would see her and were intimidated by her perfect posture, with her chin always raised to the sky, wearing stunning jewelry…few knowing that she survived things in life that people should never have to endure, that she rose up past adversity and worked hard for what she had. People only had the opportunity to see the woman that she allowed them to see… only part of herself.
I have a million wonderful memories of her, the one that comes to mind the most is her doing the Mashed Potato in the kitchen. I don’t know if that’s my favorite, but I know that I can still play the song and vividly see her doing the dance if I close my eyes.
People who had never had the opportunity to meet her could never understand what they missed. When I talk to people about her, I often see in their eyes a blank stare, or a look that they think I glorify her, or that standard, insincere “she sounds like she was a great woman.” They could never possibly know, because my words could do her no justice.
My mother was not a perfect woman, she had her faults like every one else, even worse than some, but the truth is that words could never describe her. Words could never describe the feeling you would get when she would walk into the room, or the way it felt to have one of her hugs, or experience her look into your eyes and know what is wrong, and often how to fix it. She was an example to her children, and anyone who knew her that your past and your circumstances didn’t have to hold you down. She was a woman of faith, a woman so full of love with so many gifts to share.
She was my best friend and my angel while she was here on earth with me. I don’t miss her less as time goes by, I have just learned to hide it better. The truth is, people don’t want to hear about how much you miss your mother, because they don’t have a clue what I’m missing. And that’s okay, people don’t know what they don’t know, and I would never wish on anyone the pain of losing a parent, or losing anyone.
For tomorrow, while I will mourn the fact that she is not here to have a HUGE 60th birthday celebration, I WILL celebrate her. I will celebrate her life, I will celebrate that fact that she gave me 2 amazing sisters and a great Dad. I will celebrate all of the lessons that she had taught me, and continues to teach me every day. I will shed some tears, and I will have some laughs over some great memories. I will wake up tomorrow and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY, I LOVE YOU!! And maybe, just maybe I’ll do some Mashed Potato. . .
This I Believe. . .
For my public speaking class I had to write a speech about something I believe. NPR has a program where people share the personal philosophies and core values that guide their daily lives, so our speech was based on that. At first I didn’t know what to write about, but when I sat down in front of the computer it just all flew out of me without thinkin, and I’m basically going with the first draft. After the words came out, there were very few things that I changed. (even my punctuation and grammar is off, but since it’s a speech, I’m okay with it.)
Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to present this speech for a group of students in my class, and of course, not liking public speaking, I’m getting more and more nervous.
In all honesty, I debated long and hard on posting this, as it is probably the most personal you will ever see me get. However, after reading it a few times, I felt that it is not only a tribute to life’s experiences, but a tribute to my mother as well. Take what you will from it. 
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I Believe I Learned Absolutely Everything I Ever Need to Know About Life From My Mother.
In my 33 years on this earth, I have had the opportunity to see so many aspects of life…many things a person probably never should see, many things a person should never have to experience.
Spending much of my childhood in a violently abusive home, I learned that some parents don’t always love their children the way they should. Watching my mother sneak out of the house to learn to drive, saving every penny she could and gaining the strength to take my sisters and myself and leave, I learned the strength of a woman is beyond measure. . .and that for some parents only death could stop them from protecting their child.
Living in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment with no furniture, eating peanut butter sandwiches on the floor with my sisters I learned that we don’t need fine food, furniture and possessions to have fun and feel love.
Watching my mother marry a man with no biological children, and no opportunity have any of his own, enabled me to see what a man should be. Experiencing that same man love, cherish and take care of my mother … and her 3 damaged daughters taught me what a father should be.
My mother forcing us to eat dinner EVERY night with our family, AT the table taught me the importance of communication and family.
Remembering my mother being locked in her room for a week and raped by my biological father…as I too laid on the floor with a gun held to my head by a boyfriend the night I broke up with him taught me how we often tend to repeat history, and that only I could break that cycle.
Having a miscarriage at 20 taught me that nothing is promised…5 years later thinking about that miscarriage and the dysfunctional relationship I was in at the time, I understood what my mother meant when she always said that everything happens for a reason.
Listening to my mother explain to me that my biological father was a sick and lonely man, and should not be hated, taught me forgiveness.
By constantly reminding me to say “Thank You” and “I love you” she taught me to never take people for granted.
Losing my mother in a car accident when I was 27 taught me that nothing will ever hurt as bad as losing a mother…my mother….my best friend, my hero, my heart.
As I stood before hundreds of people at her funeral sharing the lessons I had learned from her, I learned that I wasn’t the only person whose life she touched, and from the responses, I clearly wasn’t the only one she shared these wise words with:
Never, ever go to bed angry and say I love you every time you hang up the phone or walk out the door…because you never know when it’s going to be the last time.
When the Need becomes greater than the want, there’s a problem.
If everyone put their problems in a circle, they would each take back their own. There is always someone worse off than you so be grateful every day.
Never judge anyone, because you have no idea what their circumstances are.
There’s THREE sides to every story. (His, hers and the truth)
You don’t need to like a person to show them respect.
You don’t have to go to church to have a relationship with God.
Thank God every morning before you get out of bed for a new day….thank Him again before you go to sleep for surviving that day.
Never hate anyone…hatred only breeds more hatred and in the long run, only hurts YOU.
As long as you actually learn from your mistake…it’s not really a mistake.
Always try your best…even if your results aren’t perfect, as long as you try your hardest it will have been worth it.
Treat people the way you want to be treated. You can’t expect someone to treat you better than you treat them.
Never walk out of the house without lipstick. Even if you don’t wear any other makeup, throw some lipstick on, it brings your face to life.
I could go on for days with her wise words of wisdom. The point is that despite all of the horrible things that SHE experienced in life, she always knew there was a meaning to it all, regardless of whether we know the meaning or not . . . She taught me that too.
Being forced to live life after shes gone, I learned that she would never have left this earth had she not felt she taught me everything I needed to learn to survive life, and that I am a survivor.
Regardless of whether the things she taught me were by the words she spoke or actions I witnessed, I feel blessed to have learned what I have from such a wise woman. A woman who was full of love and full of life, and who constantly shared all of that, regardless of what she was going through.
Although I only had 27 years to share with her on this planet, I have continued to learn from her even in the past 6 years that she hasn’t been here with me physically.
The most important thing? Well, although she used to say it all the time, I guess I never fully understood when she used to say that tomorrow is never promised. Because she knew that, because she was the person that she was, she left a legacy, and now I know it’s my turn….. my turn to share all the things that she shared with me. Not only to fulfill her legacy…. But to create my own.
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