Joy
I’m long overdue for a post and what I’m about to share is something I have been going back and forth about for the last 24 hours. It is something that is going to get slightly personal for me, and quite honestly uncomfortable to share. HOWEVER, I decided that if by sharing what I have to say can help or change the thought of one person it will have been worth-while. So, here it goes.
I have been feeling oddly disconnected lately, disconnected and conflicted. I think the majority of it just has to do with a lot of new things in life and trying to find balance, and heading more in the direction of what I truly desire. So, last night I had a slight little “breakdown” for lack of a better word and I discovered something. Like, hardcore something I have never thought about in my life. I realized something about myself that is sticking in my heart, and I’m trying to understand it a little bit better and work through it.
As a young child I experienced and witnessed some messed up stuff, so I learned how to put up a guard and not really let my feelings show much. Then at 19 when I was in my first serious relationship I felt way too much and wore it on my sleeve. After 7+ years of that followed by the loss of my mother I realize now, that I reverted back to a childhood habit and took it to another level…. I just don’t feel my own emotions. Nothing, Nada, Zip. Now this is really kind of weird, because I am an extremely empathetic person, and feel other peoples’ pain and joy so deeply I feel it deep in my soul. But what I finally realized last night is that when it comes to my own joy and pain, I got nothing.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am relatively happy person. I love my family and I have a few close friend who make me pretty happy. But when it comes to true jump up and down excitement…nope, don’t remember the last time that happened….when it comes to feeling my pain……nope, nothing….. I used to think that it was because I have known for the last 7 years that nothing could hurt as much as the loss of my mother, but I honestly never even dealt with that pain. It’s like the moment she was gone, I turned off. I literally turned off all internal, self-related emotion. And now… well I kind of wonder where it went. I wonder if I can’t feel my own pain, will I ever feel TRUE joy. And THAT is why I have to share. Here is my lesson……
Turning off my pain has been a self-defense mechanism that served me for a time. The challenge is that I never took the time to really do anything with it, and now over the years I have just day by day turned it all off. NOW, I realize, this self-defense mechanism is no longer serving me, truly it hasn’t for several years. And while I confess that I still don’t think I am ready to jump head first into my mother’s death, I do have this new awareness. This awareness that I am living in neutral. Sure no feelings of pain, and at the same time I have risked the feeling of joy. That’s been my cost.
Living in neutral is fine for a time, there are times when that is what best serves us, and actually sometimes helps us to move forward. But when you open your eyes one day and realize that you have been stuck feeling the same way for years, you have to realize that something is amiss. And what are you willing to do about it?
Myself, I have been journaling a lot, and taking one day at a time, and making new small changes every day. What I want to say to you, anyone who is reading this who feels 
stuck in a similar “thing”, is don’t wait too long. Talk to someone, write, get your creative juices flowing. While it FEELS better not to feel any pain, understand that there is a cost to everything. So the cost of not feeling pain, is not feeling any of the other wonderful feelings that we are truly meant to feel every day.
So yeah, that’s my story. Today is better than yesterday….May tomorrow be better than today.
Blessings….
Generally Speaking
It has been an interesting day, somewhat of an emotional roller coaster honestly. I’ve been very pensive about something and I have been trying to put it into words for some time now without judging or offending. It’s time to get it out of my mind, and just put it out there. So here goes…
Behind my hard exterior I am an extremely sensitive individual, often overly-sensitive. Granted I take a lot of things personally, I admit that, but what I’m talking about here goes beyond. I can’t really explain it, I’m extra sensitive to things that go on in our country and in our world. To hear how some people talk, and even to get on facebook often hurts my heart beyond explanation, its a true deep, physical pain that I could never make anyone understand.
That being said, today was one of those days. Everywhere I seemed to go I would hear how “the democrats are this” and the “republicans are that”. The “Occupy Wall Street Movement is this” and “the police trying to wrangle the crowds are that.” I see videos of peaceful protestors, who were given the right to to do so by our very own constitution, then I see trouble makers joining a movement for a reason to get rowdy or get on video. I’m not in a position to say what’s right, I don’t know enough about the movement. I only know that the constitution that we fight so hard to protect states that I have the right to peacefully assemble, as does my neighbor, regardless of their beliefs. Who am I to judge their beliefs? Yet so many people are out there making their judgments about these people, no jobs, druggies, this, that. To those people I say, mind your own business, don’t talk about what you don’t know. It goes back to Nutmeg, people jumping to conclusions about people they don’t even know.
Now don’t get confused, this post has absolutely nothing to do with Occupy Wallstreet. It has nothing to do with Democrats or Republicans, Muslims, Jews, Christians, African Americans, White People, Hispanics, Asians. It couldn’t possibly have something to do with any of those people, because I haven’t met every single person from any group. No one has, yet it has become so easy for us to generalize people by their religious beliefs, their political beliefs or their race, or their class, or their sexual preference.
I’m so tired of hearing that Muslims are terrorists, and that Hispanics are “illegals”. For the love of God, my bioligical father was born in Germany, his parents lived through the holocaust. Does that truly make it okay for me to hate Catholics because Hitler claimed to be one? Or assume that all Catholic people hate Jews, or generalize them in any other way? There is so much UNEDUCATED hatred out there. I’m an American, and I’m from New York and 9-11 touched me just like it touched everyone else, but could I possibly claim that Muslims are terrorists? Absolutely NOT, another UNEDUCATED generalization. Yes the terrorists claim to be Muslim, however, any group from any religion can become fanatical, and that’s where the danger comes in. If you want to talk crap and make generalizations, educate yourself. Learn what the Muslim faith is really about, don’t spout of the hate because you heard it from someone else. And this doesn’t just pertain to Muslims, it pertains to EVERYONE.
I am truly pained be the people that we have become. We fight wars overseas, yet we can’t even see that we’re fighting a war in our own land. It has become okay to discriminate against our neighbors, because they are of a certain religion or race or political persuasion. We have our own personal beliefs that we insist are right,and insist on forcing on other people…similar to what the very people we are fighting elsewhere have been accused of doing!
When does it stop? No, seriously when? Is it when every single person in this country has the same belief system? When every person is of the same political persuasion, when everyone is straight and has cycled enough to be all white with 2.3 kids? How many generations must your family have lived in this country to be considered an American? I know me, myself technically I’m first generation. Even on my mother’s side I’m second generation. Does that make me American enough?
I have no doubt I could go on for days about this. Today was rough in this area for me because there was a lot of it all around, and truly it’s simple generalizations….simple generalizations that make people hate other people without even knowing their name. I have cried on this for hours today, and I truly I was fighting with myself as to whether or not I would write about it. Then oddly, as I’m watching last night’s recorded episode of Harry’s Law, I realized I had to. What the show is about is irrelevant, but Kathy Bates’ character had a story, and it is so pertinent to where my heart is right now. She was talking about when she was a kid, and a father’s friend invited them to a country club and when they got there they were turned away because they were Jewish. Her father kept saying “this isn’t what America is supposed to be.” She went on to say “we’re becoming less and less inclusive every day. And it’s not what America is supposed to be.” I couldn’t have said it better. It isn’t what America is supposed to be, we’re supposed to be the Land of the Free…. where did I miss the small print that said we’re the land of the free as long as we are a certain color, or religion, or class, sexual orientation or political persuasion? Did I miss that somewhere, or are we just working on writing that in?
I watched the unveiling of the Martin Luther King Jr memorial dedication when it happened. I thought about him and his dream and his movement. I thought about what he was moving toward, and while he did make a difference, what I see more and more today, is that we have simply chosen other groups of people to discriminate against. Are we so bored with our own lives, or so miserable, or think we are so superior that we can’t be happy if we aren’t rounding people up into groups we don’t like and hating on them? Have we truly become so egotistical that we honestly believe that we are superior to someone else? And if you are a believer in a God, is that His teaching? I must have missed that somewhere too.
I have some sad news, unless we join together as HUMANS we will be the next country that other countries are hopping in their fighter jets to come and save because we are simply destroying ourselves. As a country we are self-destructing more and more every day, which by the way was the plan of the terrorists to begin with. When does it stop? When do we climb to the mountaintop TOGETHER?
“Love is the only truth”
I hope you didn’t count me out just yet, because yes I am back once again. It’s been 5 or 6 months since you have heard from me, so let me give you a brief summary of what has been going on.
This year has been a huge journey from me, from starting a new job to leaving a new job to starting my own business and starting back in school. It truly has been a year of learning experiences for me, and in all honesty I’m just in a completely different place than I have been. . . and I’m loving the ride.
I went to Oregon on September, because I’m very drawn there and would one day like to move there. As I laid on the massage table at our hotel (I bought myself a birthday massage, hey I earned it!) the light came on in my head that it was time to go back to school. I started at SWIHA last year, but was unable to really commit due to my job and my own commitment level, and clearly my inability to find balance. Truly a big part of why I left my job last year was because I was trying to get to this place of finding my purpose and following that path through school. At the beginning of this year I think I just got caught up in trying to survive I lost sight of that, but it hit me smack in the forehead as I was on that massage table. So, the first thing I did when I came home from Oregon? Re-register for school! I run my own business, make my own hours, choose my clients, really what better time?
Making the decision to go back to school really forced me to decide what was important to me, and I tell you what, it isn’t “stuff”. While I have never considered myself a materialistic person, I have been blessed for many years to make very comfortable money. When I decided to start my own business I really didn’t have that cushion I would have liked to and just dove in. That decision has forced me to live a simpler life, which in fact is what I have been trying to do for years. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge! So here I am running my business and going to school full time. My focus has been taken away from building a mega-business and put on living a purposeful life. I am making less money now than I have probably in 15 years and I am happier than I have ever been. Yes I said it, I am starting to be filled by a sense of peace that I haven’t been able to find…ever. I choose my clients, knowing by doing so I am limiting my income, but expanding that peace, I say that is a FAIR trade. I have an extremely small clientele, each and every one I consider a friend, who are supporting me through this journey, and who are rooting me on from the sidelines, and I am truly blessed by that.
So, I could go on for days, I have so much to share, so many light bulbs that have been turned on on my head. On Monday at school I had a classmate tell me that I am supposed to share my voice, THAT is why I’m back. Not only to share with you, whoever decides to read this, the things that I have learned and experienced, but also to reflect on these things myself.
Since my Mom passed away almost 7 years ago, I have said that I want to share her legacy. The classmate I mentioned above said to me not too long ago, that I also have my own legacy to share. So, my hope is that just one of my blogs, maybe 5 of my words will have an effect on someone’s life.
I would also like to take a moment to thank some people, who truly have been beyond supportive in the many changes that I have been going through the past few months. My sisters, first and foremost for just being supportive and constantly reminding me that they are here for me. My dad, well just for being my Dad. Mac, I don’t have words for you. For renting me a desk in your office for free, for being a great client, for being a great partner, for my heart hugs, for listening to me share what I learned in class, and for just being you! Cameron, my best friend who has kindly dealt with my attitude shifts (nice way of wording that huh?) Our relationship is going through some changes, but you will always be my bestie. Josh G, I’m so glad I finally talked you into utilizing my services. We don’t see each other often, but you have a great energy, and I’m proud to be in business with you. There really are too many people to thank, wow! David B, my Teddy Baird, I just love you. Kevin & Fred, I’m not on your team anymore, and I don’t get to see you much, but I continue to be blessed by both of you, and I can’t thank you enough for being there when I have truly needed you. To EVERYONE in my life, who is witnessing my journey and not telling me that I will hate Oregon, or that I’m crazy, or any of the other negative crap I have heard over the last year…thank you and that’s why you are still in my life. 
I have no time for negativity, and quite frankly, neither should any of you.
Life is short, live much and love often. Remember life isn’t about the things.
The key to change… is to let go of fear
I think its natural to have a fear of change, I’m pretty sure every person has experienced it at least once in life.
In my last post I had mentioned that I have been re-evaluating my life and that I felt it was time to stop waiting for life to happen. Well I have taken the first step. I have officially given my notice at my job in order to start my own business. While it was something that I was waiting for until I had the amount of money I felt like I needed as a cushion, I also felt like I would never have that money. Not that the money wouldn’t come to me, but you know, you save money, then something in the car or house breaks and the money is gone. Its like people who say they want kids but they are waiting until the right time…Its waiting until the right time that forces life to pass you by.
I realize that while I have overcome a lot of things in life, but I have also allowed fear to stop me from doing a lot.
Starting my own Transaction Management business is something that I have been wanting to do for several years, but I had been waiting for the right time. Well I have made the right time today. I know that I am good at what I do, and I know I will be successful. Sure there may be a few months that I will struggle, but the truth is I will most likely be very successful. Even if I’m not, at least I’ll know that I tried.
The more I think about it, the more I things I think about that fears stop us from doing. Changing jobs, starting businesses for fear of failure, those are common. Then there are those of us who never tell the person we love that we love them because we are afraid they won’t feel the same way. We are hesitant to start a relationship because we are afraid it will fail or that we will lose the friendship we have with that person. We don’t buy a house because we are afraid we won’t be able to afford it. We put of having children because we think maybe we can’t afford it, or that we won’t be good enough parent.
But maybe it isn’t always about the fear of failure or the fear that we can’t afford something, or that we aren’t good enough. Maybe we have other fears, the fear that our new business will actually be successful. The fear that we don’t deserve that success,or that we don’t deserve that new house, or worse that we don’t deserve the unconditional love of a relationship or a child.
Here’s the thing, if we don’t overcome those fears, there can be no change, and without change there can be now growth. The sad truth is but not telling the people we love that we love them, or taking a chance on that relationship, or new job or having that child we always wanted we miss the moment, a moment we most likely will never get back.
In the last year I have told someone I was in love with them…and no they didn’t feel the same way… but I’m still here, I survived. I held a baby for the first time since I miscarried 13 years ago, something I refused to do in the past because I was afraid I couldn’t handle it. I left a job with people that I adored to take less money, I now gave my notice to start my own business. I’ve said things to people that I was afraid would make them hate me, but they didn’t because they knew where my heart was. Sure the fear is still there, its something that will always be in the back of our heads, it just a part of life. But the truth is that fear is nothing but an illusion, even an excuse not to challenge ourselves. We get comfortable where we are and every change scares us. Changes and choices we make may hurt more than others. However, those choices and changes, and overcoming fears are growth, regardless of the outcome. If we aren’t growing, can we even say that we are living?
If I have learned nothing else this week, I have learned that life is entirely to short to wait for great things to come to us, life is too short to not take the risk to make a change, or to say the things we are afraid to say. Tomorrow is NOT promised, we have all heard that, we all know it logically. Sadly though, it sometimes takes the loss of a friend to really remind us and make us understand it. While I can say I don’t have any words left unsaid with the people I care about, I know I have a lot of changes to make to fulfill my dreams.
What fears are you willing to overcome to have the life you deserve? What change are you willing to make to ensure that life doesn’t just pass you by? What words that need to be said are you willing to say before you never get a chance to say them?
My regret is that it took the loss of an amazing man this week to remind me of these things that I already knew. Rest in Peace David Horton.
Waiting for Life to Start
I’m back once again, and this time am committing to being a REGULAR blogger. I have some huge things coming up, so that shouldn’t be difficult to do. That being said, it’s been a rough week, and I have some things to share.
A dear friend of mine, and a huge part of our Keller Williams family was brought to the hospital on Friday after what they suspected to be a massive heart attack. As of Friday the outlook wasn’t good, and much of my weekend was to be spent waiting on updates, and providing updates to the rest of the family.
When I woke up on Saturday morning, I heard Dave’s laugh and I saw his face. As I walked down the stairs I could still hear his laugh and I decided to just sit on the couch in silence. I didn’t want to turn on the tv, or talk, or pick up the phone because I was afraid I would lose the sound of his laugh. Instead, I sat on the couch for about 5 hours in silence. I spent that time praying and reflecting, and listening to Dave’s laugh in my head.
When I lost my mother in a car accident 6 years ago, I learned how quickly someone can be taken from us. My Mom had always said that tomorrow is not promised, and I learned that first-hand. But like many things, we forget, or we hope it won’t happen again. Then this happened. . . Dave, a 45 year old man, brought into the hospital barely holding on to life. Once again I was reminded that tomorrow is never promised. That at any time, with a blink of an eye everything can be taken from us. I had learned long ago never to take anyone for granted, and I feel like for the most part I am very good at that. I tell the people I love that I love them as often as possible and thank God for them daily. What I realized though, what I have been taking for granted is life in general.
As I sat I realized that for quite some time I have been waiting for my life to begin. To be clear, I have a good life which I am grateful for every day. I have my health (knock on wood), I live fairly comfortably, I have a great family and some amazing friends. However, I also know that it easy for me to put things off until tomorrow. The career that I would love, a healthy romantic relationship, children, a social life, seeing the world….I vainly think “tomorrow is another day”, tomorrow I’ll start that diet, tomorrow I will go out and meet people, tomorrow I will decide what I want to be when I grow up.
I used my silence to think about what is really important to me. Aside from my family, my best friend, and the other great friends that I have, what is it that I really really want. Well for me it’s a family, children. Being a mother is the one thing that would make my life complete. So then I asked myself, what’s stopping me….the answer? Me…I’ve been stopping me, I’ve been stopping me because I have been waiting for tomorrow…I have been waiting for my life to begin.
I thought about Dave and the life he had been living. While I didn’t know much about his personal life I knew that he loved his family, that while he was always dedicated to his clients, he knew that it was just real estate and he always knew what mattered most. He’s always making time for hunting, and trips to Mexico and spending time doing the things he wants to do… and me, I’m waiting for tomorrow. What the hell?
As the weekend moved on, the news about Dave continued to get worse, and I decided then that I’m no longer waiting for tomorrow. I’m going for what I want….I’m making my life happen today.
While we continue to pray, Dave’s condition continues to deteriorate. I continue to pray, on my own in silence as well as along with the rest of my KW Family. I pray that God’s will be done, having the faith that God has a bigger plan for Dave. I pray that if he is taken from us, he will meet my Mom in heaven because I know that together they will raise Hell. I pray that God will bring some sort of peace to his wife and son, that they will be able to heal through this.
Today I will honor Dave by starting now, by taking the steps to make my life happen the way I want it to, because that is what Dave would want for me.
I know that I am not the only one who has been watching my life pass me by, or waiting for it to begin. Today I took my first step to grasp that one thing that is most important to me. How long are you willing to wait? When is the last time that you said “I love you” to someone? When is the last time you told someone how much you appreciate them? Who have you left words unsaid with? Are you sure you’ll have the chance to say the things you need to say?
I’m not trying to be doomsday, I’m not being negative. I’m just lending a friendly reminder that tomorrow is NOT promised. Many people don’t know that from experience, sadly I can say that I do and I don’t wish it on anyone. Please don’t wait… don’t wait to say what needs to be said…..to simply say I love you….or to give someone a hug….don’t wait for your life to begin because if you wait, it will just pass you buy and you may never have the opportunity.
To my friend Dave – I love you, I am still holding out for a miracle, but I also have faith that God has his plan and it is not my place to question it. To Dave’s wife and son – I can only pray that you find some kind of peace to get you through this absurdly difficult time. And to my friends and family, in case I haven’t told you lately… I love and appreciate every one of you who touch my life every day.
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