Beauty & Gratitude
So it seems I have a few things to talk about today. Usually I like to break topics up, but the more I think about it the more I feel like my two topics are related in some way.
I’d like to start with being blessed today by Ms. Vikki Colvin of For A Moment Photography. A few months ago I was talking to my partner Mark about how I need to get a head-shot and how I had never had professional photos done. He talked to Vikki and just before I left from Mexico she emailed me and let me know that she was available today. Even more exciting is that Vikki had arranged for the very talented Suzy Lavenda to take care of my makeup. Oh how excited and nervous I was. I’m not generally comfortable having photos taken of me, much because of my own personal body image issues.
So today I brought a couple of outfits and Suzy did my makeup. Vikki and I then proceeded to different locations to take some photos. Aside from the fact that I’m so grateful for some bonding time with her, Vikki is so amazingly talented. She had shown me a picture on the camera before I left and I thought, wow she truly made me feel beautiful. I feel like she found an angle of me that isn’t often seen. . . or shown. Then, when she completed a couple of the photos and posted them on facebook, I was floored by the responses from my facebook friends. Granted, much of the credit goes to Vikki and Suzy, but for the first time in many many years I truly felt beautiful. For the first time in many years, my focus didn’t go straight to how “fat” I look. For the first time ever I saw beyond my weight, and based on the responses I feel like my friends did too. I’m so thankful to these special people for not only giving me the gift of professional photos, but a boost in my self-esteem that was much needed.
Which is all a very nice bridge into my next topic. Generally speaking I am a fairly non-emotional person. Or more accurately, I do not show my emotions around others. Recently, I have found that many different things, words and events have brought tears to my eyes. The interesting thing is that it hasn’t been sad things, but positive events and words that have caused this. I was thinking my hormones were totally out of whack… until today. I had been talking to Mark about this earlier, and what I realized the more I thought about it is that I believe that it is the immense gratitude I have been feeling that has caused the emotion. I have been truly blessed, particularly this year with some extremely wonderful relationships, business changes, and life in general. I believe that my emotion truly is an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I notice more and more every day the “little” things that happen in my life and I notice more and more how grateful I am to have the life I have.
I am so grateful to all of the people in my life who support me. Thank you for enriching my life so fully!
Blessings….
SHUT DOWN
I am blessed to have people in my life who ask me the difficult questions that I don’t want to answer. Even more blessed that they know I don’t want to answer, and push me through. Last night a friend of mine did just that, and I have been thinking about it ever since.
Last night was rough for me in Ministerial Duties class. I knew when I walked in I didn’t want to be there, and almost left during the first break. I hung out, and on break my friends Katherine and Cody spent some time with me and we just talked about some things, which of course is where the tough questions came in. Katherine has a way of reading me, and although I don’t often respond emotionally to things, she found my tell. She said that when I get emotional about things my chest and neck get red, something I never realized. We talked for a while, and although she pushed me a few times, I never answered her question of what I was feeling when a particular topic came up.
The truth is, I don’t know. I have spent much of my life blocking out the things that make me uncomfortable or unhappy. I blocked out most of my childhood for that reason. The challenge is that I have a strong desire to write a book to help others. I want to share my experiences so that others can learn from them. The bigger challenge is that I have blocked out many experiences, particularly the emotional part of those experiences. It’s interesting that this topic came up in our discussion last night, since I have been reflecting on this very subject for several days. I want to write a book, but where do I begin? How do I explain certain experiences, when I can’t bring myself back to those moments to re-experience them? I tend to approach them in a completely non-emotional way, they are things that happened and they are what they are. While I believe this is true, I also don’t believe that I can TRULY overcome these things if I don’t approach them on an emotional level. See my quandary?
It is really quite interesting when I think about it. I am an empath, so in reality I tend to be extremely emotional. The thing is that it is other people’s emotions that I am feeling… I don’t know how to feel my own emotions and I don’t know when that happened. When I truly think about it, I think I may have always been that way with certain things. I’m famous with those who know me best for “shutting down”. How can I heal, and how can I teach if I shut down. It frustrates me because I AM a healer, and maybe I am because I can be objective with other people’s issues, but how much better could I be if I could come to terms with my own emotions?
So hold on, it gets better. In class last night we were talking about how, as ministers, we will deal with domestic violence situations, suicide and sexual or physical abuse. These are all things I have experienced, and while I was uncomfortable in the beginning, I just continued to get more and more agitated throughout the class. I was anxious, agitated and aggravated and I just wanted to run, which I did by the way at 9:15. There were many factors in my desire to run, and on the surface it was because of all the energy in the room, and some peoples’ needs to be right and not open to others’ perspectives or feelings. When I think about it more though I believe that is my chicken exit. Some people use humor, I use shut down. I envision it as red lights flashing in my brain and sirens blaring with someone on a megaphone repeatedly yelling “SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN”. I have had the opportunity to see recently how often I really do that, and more importantly how it affects me.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t believe in being a victim to anything that I have experienced. But am I serving myself by not feeling anything at all? I don’t think I am at all, actually the more I think about it I believe it is a cop-out. However, I have been doing it for so long, the truth is that I don’t even know how to begin to learn how to feel or explain my emotions. If you ask me, I’ll always be fine. That’s not a very good way to work toward letting people in is it? More importantly, it certainly isn’t a very good way to explain my experiences and help other people.
So where do I begin then? The voice inside me says I must start at the beginning. I don’t know what the beginning is. Is it the moment that I was abruptly born and came sliding out of my mother onto the floor? Clearly I don’t remember that, but I have no doubt in my soul that it impacted my life. . . Or is this very moment the beginning? Is it this moment that I get to choose to feel what I feel and put it into words without self judgement and with out the fear that anyone else will judge me for those feelings?
How do you go from being that strong woman who, while empathetic, can’t feel any of her own feelings? How do you go from being completely NOT vulnerable to opening up and allowing others to support you and help you, and even sometimes carry you along some parts of your journey.
Well, I guess you start at the beginning. My truth is that the beginning is this very moment, this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. While I still have no idea how I would even begin to “feel” after all this time, I do know that I have some serious angels surrounding me, both on the spiritual level and those who were brought to me in physical form. I choose to believe they were brought to me for this very reason, to take hold of my beginning, to work backwards and to share my journey with anyone who wants to listen and who may benefit from it.
What I have discovered is that suppressing my emotions certainly hasn’t served me. Even though we tend to believe that numbness is feeling nothing, neither good or bad, truly numbness feels a lot like emptiness. I choose today to lean on those people who have stepped in my life to hold me up when I feel like I can’t stand on my own. This is not something I have ever done, nor wanted to do. But today, I realize that I need it, that they want that for me, and that I deserve it.
We were brought here to love and to receive love. By not allowing others to love us, we are taking something extremely miraculous away from not only ourselves, but from those people. We are ALL deserving of love, love of God, of Spirit, of the Universe, of nature, of everything…. because we ARE love. Each of us is love, deserving of love, and meant to share our love with others. We are doing everyone a dis-service if we aren’t allowing both.
That’s my story for today. I’m sure there will be more to come on this topic, as it is bound to be an interesting journey.
-Blessings
Enlightenment
Since posting updates about my logo for my future business I have been asked a lot of questions about what I’m doing and if I am ending my current business. I thought I would share an update about what is really going on with me to clear up any confusion.
First of all, while my current business is changing slightly and doesn’t look exactly like I expected it to, it is exactly what it is supposed to be. I am currently a Self-Employed Real Estate Broker doing Transaction Management and Short Sale Facilitation for a select group of clients. While the dynamic of that business has changed slightly due to school, my desires and some unforeseen circumstances, it is my livelihood and I love it.
So what the heck am I going to school for? Well that’s a great question, it comes up often and has become a great topic of conversation. I am currently attending Southwest Institute of Healing Arts in Tempe. When all is said and done, I will have an Associates Degree in Mind Body Transformational Psychology, I will be an Ordained Minister, Certified Life Coach and Reiki Master. What does it all mean??? Simply put, Mind Body Transformational Psychology is simply an holistic approach to Psychology. I have been interested in that subject since I was a child, so finding this more holistic/spiritual-based program was perfect for me. By completing my Spiritual Studies Program, I will become Ordained. Not in any specific religion, since quite honestly ONE particular Religion doesn’t resonate with me, AND I am not a fan of Organized Religion. I am blessed to be a part of this program and have the opportunity to learn about all of the World Religions. This will benefit me as I can work with people of all different faiths and spiritual backgrounds. Life Coaching and Reiki are exactly what they are. Reiki is basically a healing modality utilizing hands-on healing and energy work.
What are you going to do with all that? That’s a great question, and attending the Business Development class I am currently in has really forced me to look at that. There are many options, I could work for someone else, or start my own business. I have decided that once I am finished with my schooling I will be starting my own practice. That doesn’t mean I will be shutting down or ending my current business, it just may look like more leverage. I’m doing this because I have always felt like there is something more for me, and I believe I have finally found it. I believe my mission here on earth is to help people, and while I do that daily since my business is basically a support business, I wanted to go deeper.
So what does it look like? It looks like a practice where I can utilize my Psychology Studies to build a strong life-coaching, business-coaching and spiritual coaching practice. Being Ordained I will also perform weddings, funeral and other sacred ceremonies. I will also practice Reiki and other healing modalities where I have the opportunity to utilize other types of Divination Tools. It’s all very exciting, and truly it make my heart full just thinking about it.
So, what’s with the name and the logo? This was easy for me. When I found out I had to start preparing the business for my class, the name and logo were the first things to come to mind. Rose of Sharon….why? Easy! Well my mother’s favorite flower was the Hibiscus and there happens to be a form of Hibiscus called the Rose of Sharon….My mother’s name was also Sharon. My mother was and still is a huge driving force in my life, she left a legacy for us and I plan on passing that on to others. I believe that by doing this work I am not only passing on her legacy, but sharing HER gifts with others. She would have loved what I am doing, and if she were still here I have a feeling she would have enrolled in school with me because she loved this type of work. This work cannot be described, as it is not only incredibly healing for clients, but along the way I am able to do a lot of healing myself.
So, keep your eyes and ears out ladies and gentlemen! There are some huge things coming along and lots of shifts happening. And, since I’m here I may as well give myself a plug…If you or anyone you know think you could benefit from coaching, a reading or any other type of healing, or even just to talk I would love to hear from you.
AND, I can’t post a blog without a lesson because that has become my thing. So here’s my lesson for today. If you can dream it, you can do it. And if you’re at a place where you don’t know what that dream is, have faith because it will come. My entire life I have been a salaried employee, I counted on my paycheck and I did whatever people told me. This year I made the jump not only to go back to school, but to drop everything and start my own business, basically on faith alone. I truly thought that I would be an “employee” all my life, and while there is nothing wrong with that it isn’t what I wanted. So keep your faith and know that you CAN do whatever you want to do, and what you want does want you back!
Blessings!
Joy
I’m long overdue for a post and what I’m about to share is something I have been going back and forth about for the last 24 hours. It is something that is going to get slightly personal for me, and quite honestly uncomfortable to share. HOWEVER, I decided that if by sharing what I have to say can help or change the thought of one person it will have been worth-while. So, here it goes.
I have been feeling oddly disconnected lately, disconnected and conflicted. I think the majority of it just has to do with a lot of new things in life and trying to find balance, and heading more in the direction of what I truly desire. So, last night I had a slight little “breakdown” for lack of a better word and I discovered something. Like, hardcore something I have never thought about in my life. I realized something about myself that is sticking in my heart, and I’m trying to understand it a little bit better and work through it.
As a young child I experienced and witnessed some messed up stuff, so I learned how to put up a guard and not really let my feelings show much. Then at 19 when I was in my first serious relationship I felt way too much and wore it on my sleeve. After 7+ years of that followed by the loss of my mother I realize now, that I reverted back to a childhood habit and took it to another level…. I just don’t feel my own emotions. Nothing, Nada, Zip. Now this is really kind of weird, because I am an extremely empathetic person, and feel other peoples’ pain and joy so deeply I feel it deep in my soul. But what I finally realized last night is that when it comes to my own joy and pain, I got nothing.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am relatively happy person. I love my family and I have a few close friend who make me pretty happy. But when it comes to true jump up and down excitement…nope, don’t remember the last time that happened….when it comes to feeling my pain……nope, nothing….. I used to think that it was because I have known for the last 7 years that nothing could hurt as much as the loss of my mother, but I honestly never even dealt with that pain. It’s like the moment she was gone, I turned off. I literally turned off all internal, self-related emotion. And now… well I kind of wonder where it went. I wonder if I can’t feel my own pain, will I ever feel TRUE joy. And THAT is why I have to share. Here is my lesson……
Turning off my pain has been a self-defense mechanism that served me for a time. The challenge is that I never took the time to really do anything with it, and now over the years I have just day by day turned it all off. NOW, I realize, this self-defense mechanism is no longer serving me, truly it hasn’t for several years. And while I confess that I still don’t think I am ready to jump head first into my mother’s death, I do have this new awareness. This awareness that I am living in neutral. Sure no feelings of pain, and at the same time I have risked the feeling of joy. That’s been my cost.
Living in neutral is fine for a time, there are times when that is what best serves us, and actually sometimes helps us to move forward. But when you open your eyes one day and realize that you have been stuck feeling the same way for years, you have to realize that something is amiss. And what are you willing to do about it?
Myself, I have been journaling a lot, and taking one day at a time, and making new small changes every day. What I want to say to you, anyone who is reading this who feels 
stuck in a similar “thing”, is don’t wait too long. Talk to someone, write, get your creative juices flowing. While it FEELS better not to feel any pain, understand that there is a cost to everything. So the cost of not feeling pain, is not feeling any of the other wonderful feelings that we are truly meant to feel every day.
So yeah, that’s my story. Today is better than yesterday….May tomorrow be better than today.
Blessings….
Disappointment
Here’s the truth, somewhere along the line someone close to us will disappoint us. Here’s more truth, disappointment is an emotion that we ourselves are responsible for. Huh? No, really it’s true. No one can make us feel anything without our permission, so while someone stands us up or isn’t there for us when we hope they will be, or they forget something, it isn’t necessarily that their intention was to hurt us. The way we respond to “disappointments” is our own choice. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or anger us, it’s just a circumstance that we have the power to choose how we react to.
Sometimes things come up, sometimes emergencies happen, sometimes the people that we call friends are a little more self-centered than we’d like them to be. The true question is whether or not it is something that came up, or if it is a recurring theme that happens with someone.
For example, you make plans with a really good friend who has always been there for you and although you make plans to go to the movies they call 30 minutes prior and cancel because something came up. Okay this sucks, we’re disappointed and life goes on. It’s not something that happens often, if at all, and although you were really excited about hanging out with this person, you feel a little disappointed….and you get over it. No one’s fault, life happens, everyone is over it.
Example #2. You have a good friend that you always have a good time with and you love dearly. This friend forgets plans that have been made, things come up, they’re late, make excuses and/or they continuously disappoint you. This isn’t new for them, you think you are used to it, but every time it happens your heart hurts and you are disappointed. Who is responsible for you feeling disappointed this time? Is it the person who is famous for standing you up and not being there when they say they are going to be? Or once again is no one really at fault. The truth is this person exhibits the same behavior they always have, it isn’t that they have changed for the worse. Why is their fault for not changing who they are? We have a choice in this type of situation. We accept that the person will never change and we never let it bother us when they are who they are… OR if that isn’t something we are capable of doing, we have to decide if this relationship is beneficial to us, and if it is worth us allowing ourselves to feel hurt or disappointed. (Yes, I said “allow ourselves”).
The truth is, in my opinion, people don’t change. They may change habits, they may change routines, sometimes a person’s true colors eventually shine through for the better or the worse, but at the core they don’t change. What right would we have to try to change them? If we are in relationship with someone it is because we accept and love them for who they are, who are we to say what they should or shouldn’t change about themselves? If there is something we don’t like about someone on our lives we have a simple choice to make, suck it up and accept them or realize they may not be someone that you want in your life, or in your close circle. It’s okay to do that, it truly is okay when you realize that someone isn’t the person you need them to be in your life, for you to decide they need to be in one of your outer circles, or in no circle at all. It’s better to do that then try to change them, or to allow yourself to feel hurt by them all the time and just resent them. Don’t you think? Resentment certainly doesn’t benefit either party, so why continue to hurt yourself? Yep, by allowing this type of relationship or behavior to continue where you are constantly feeling hurt, you are doing that to yourself, no one is doing that to you.
My Mom used to say “Shit on my once, shame on you; Shit on my twice, shame on me.” I think that applies here as well.
We are the creators of our own life. No one can do to us what we don’t allow them to do. There comes a point in life where we need to be the best person we can be, and sometimes that means changing relationships or making difficult decisions. Regardless, it truly is up to us how we allow people to treat us, in then end it is our own responsibility to make sure we are taken care of. Surround yourself with love, surround yourself with people who truly care about you, realize that regardless of who you are or what you may have done in your life you deserve to be treated well….you owe it to yourself and everyone in your life to ensure that you not only treat others well, but that you are treated well.
Blessings…
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