SHUT DOWN
I am blessed to have people in my life who ask me the difficult questions that I don’t want to answer. Even more blessed that they know I don’t want to answer, and push me through. Last night a friend of mine did just that, and I have been thinking about it ever since.
Last night was rough for me in Ministerial Duties class. I knew when I walked in I didn’t want to be there, and almost left during the first break. I hung out, and on break my friends Katherine and Cody spent some time with me and we just talked about some things, which of course is where the tough questions came in. Katherine has a way of reading me, and although I don’t often respond emotionally to things, she found my tell. She said that when I get emotional about things my chest and neck get red, something I never realized. We talked for a while, and although she pushed me a few times, I never answered her question of what I was feeling when a particular topic came up.
The truth is, I don’t know. I have spent much of my life blocking out the things that make me uncomfortable or unhappy. I blocked out most of my childhood for that reason. The challenge is that I have a strong desire to write a book to help others. I want to share my experiences so that others can learn from them. The bigger challenge is that I have blocked out many experiences, particularly the emotional part of those experiences. It’s interesting that this topic came up in our discussion last night, since I have been reflecting on this very subject for several days. I want to write a book, but where do I begin? How do I explain certain experiences, when I can’t bring myself back to those moments to re-experience them? I tend to approach them in a completely non-emotional way, they are things that happened and they are what they are. While I believe this is true, I also don’t believe that I can TRULY overcome these things if I don’t approach them on an emotional level. See my quandary?
It is really quite interesting when I think about it. I am an empath, so in reality I tend to be extremely emotional. The thing is that it is other people’s emotions that I am feeling… I don’t know how to feel my own emotions and I don’t know when that happened. When I truly think about it, I think I may have always been that way with certain things. I’m famous with those who know me best for “shutting down”. How can I heal, and how can I teach if I shut down. It frustrates me because I AM a healer, and maybe I am because I can be objective with other people’s issues, but how much better could I be if I could come to terms with my own emotions?
So hold on, it gets better. In class last night we were talking about how, as ministers, we will deal with domestic violence situations, suicide and sexual or physical abuse. These are all things I have experienced, and while I was uncomfortable in the beginning, I just continued to get more and more agitated throughout the class. I was anxious, agitated and aggravated and I just wanted to run, which I did by the way at 9:15. There were many factors in my desire to run, and on the surface it was because of all the energy in the room, and some peoples’ needs to be right and not open to others’ perspectives or feelings. When I think about it more though I believe that is my chicken exit. Some people use humor, I use shut down. I envision it as red lights flashing in my brain and sirens blaring with someone on a megaphone repeatedly yelling “SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN”. I have had the opportunity to see recently how often I really do that, and more importantly how it affects me.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t believe in being a victim to anything that I have experienced. But am I serving myself by not feeling anything at all? I don’t think I am at all, actually the more I think about it I believe it is a cop-out. However, I have been doing it for so long, the truth is that I don’t even know how to begin to learn how to feel or explain my emotions. If you ask me, I’ll always be fine. That’s not a very good way to work toward letting people in is it? More importantly, it certainly isn’t a very good way to explain my experiences and help other people.
So where do I begin then? The voice inside me says I must start at the beginning. I don’t know what the beginning is. Is it the moment that I was abruptly born and came sliding out of my mother onto the floor? Clearly I don’t remember that, but I have no doubt in my soul that it impacted my life. . . Or is this very moment the beginning? Is it this moment that I get to choose to feel what I feel and put it into words without self judgement and with out the fear that anyone else will judge me for those feelings?
How do you go from being that strong woman who, while empathetic, can’t feel any of her own feelings? How do you go from being completely NOT vulnerable to opening up and allowing others to support you and help you, and even sometimes carry you along some parts of your journey.
Well, I guess you start at the beginning. My truth is that the beginning is this very moment, this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. While I still have no idea how I would even begin to “feel” after all this time, I do know that I have some serious angels surrounding me, both on the spiritual level and those who were brought to me in physical form. I choose to believe they were brought to me for this very reason, to take hold of my beginning, to work backwards and to share my journey with anyone who wants to listen and who may benefit from it.
What I have discovered is that suppressing my emotions certainly hasn’t served me. Even though we tend to believe that numbness is feeling nothing, neither good or bad, truly numbness feels a lot like emptiness. I choose today to lean on those people who have stepped in my life to hold me up when I feel like I can’t stand on my own. This is not something I have ever done, nor wanted to do. But today, I realize that I need it, that they want that for me, and that I deserve it.
We were brought here to love and to receive love. By not allowing others to love us, we are taking something extremely miraculous away from not only ourselves, but from those people. We are ALL deserving of love, love of God, of Spirit, of the Universe, of nature, of everything…. because we ARE love. Each of us is love, deserving of love, and meant to share our love with others. We are doing everyone a dis-service if we aren’t allowing both.
That’s my story for today. I’m sure there will be more to come on this topic, as it is bound to be an interesting journey.
-Blessings
An Amazing Person Could Walk Right In….and Out of Your Life
Well, it’s been way too long since I have posted, so I’m back!
A very, very good friend of mine said something to me last night that resonated with me, and I though I would take some time to write about it.
In talking about relationships, he said to me. “Let go of your fears and have an open mind and heart, and see what walks into your life. It could be something amazing.” I have been stewing on this statement for almost 24 hours now and wasn’t really sure where to go with it.
I believe that when we are young, and meet our “first love” none of this is an issue. It is after we have been hurt by our first relationship that we have to be reminded to let go of our fears and open our hearts. This continues through our lives after we have been in more relationships and hurt more. Every time we end a relationship, we often tend to build higher and higher walls, and if you are really looking for a serious relationship, it becomes harder and harder to open up to that possibility.
Let’s break it down, in my way. I’m going to start with opening the heart and mind. Opening your heart is probably the most obvious thing that needs to be done right? That’s clear. Opening your mind, I’m actually glad he brought that one up, because we know we need to open our hearts in order to let people in, but to me opening your mind is just as important. I think we tend to have a perception of the type of person we will end up in a relationship with. Sometimes though, someone amazing walks into our lives that doesn’t necessarily fit that image. That’s when we need to open our minds…. otherwise, we risk letting that amazing person walk right back out.
Then comes the fear, which really is something that’s probably there from the beginning, and while we often get over that initial fear, it often comes back. It comes back at the moment we realize that we have opened our heart our and minds, and that amazing person is standing there in front of us, and fear takes over and we become frozen, and unable to make a move. And again, we risk that amazing person that walked into our lives at the most unexpected, and yet the most perfect time, walk right back out. What is that fear about? The fear of rejection? The fear of being hurt by them? The fear that we are undeserving of them? The fear that a friendship will be “ruined”?
I think the bigger question is this…what is the risk? What is the risk of NOT letting go of your fears, and NOT opening your heart and mind, and what do you risk by letting that amazing person who walked into your life unexpectedly, walk back out? Yes there is the chance that by telling them how you feel, you could be rejected, there is the chance that it could work for a while and in the end you get hurt. However, you may also find, if you just let go, that you have found the person that you are meant to be with. . . and it could last forever. Yes, I actually believe that.
Yeah, that’s what I got for tonight. I will call my friend out, and say that I don’t believe he follows his own advice. I will also say that I opened my heart and mind last year, and a very unexpected amazing person did walk into my life. And I did take the risk kind of told him how I felt, and no he didn’t feel the same way. HOWEVER, it didn’t kill me right?
Just because it doesn’t work out the way you want it to, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work out the way its meant to.
You say it’s your birthday….It’s MY Birthday too!
I’m long overdue for a blog, so I figured today would be a great day to post one.
Today am turned 33 years old, nope, I’m not ashamed, I’m getting older and I’m completely okay with it. Sure I miss some of the old days, when some parts of life were a little easier, and of course I miss the times when my Mother was here. But I’m not one of those people who is ashamed of getting older, or freaking out about it. (Except, of course for the increased number of wrinkles, and gray hairs.)
I have come to realize how my life changes every year. Each year I learn new things, meet new and amazing people, strengthen relationships and grow. How can anyone complain about that?
33 kicked off on Thursday with lunch at Fogo De Chao in Austin, with Kevin & Fred, and it’s still going. Last night was absolutely amazing, with some great friends who love me unconditionally, something I am beyond grateful for. Tonight, I will celebrate with my sister and some friends, and top of the weekend with breakfast with my sisters and my dad. The year can only get better from here. I started school, and am loving it, and I see so much growth opportunity ahead of me. 33 is going to be GREAT!
I think it’s important on birthdays, to be little extra grateful. Grateful to have been thought of by God, and brought to life by your parents. Today I am grateful for SO many things. I am grateful to God for deciding to be bring my soul to earth, and provide me with the best Mother I could ask for, as well as sisters that I would give my life for. I am grateful that my Dad was brought into my life at the age of 5, and loved me through everything. I’m grateful for the friends I have made along the way, especially all those who were brought into my life in the last few years since my Mother died. I often say it, and I wonder if anyone truly knows how true it is, that had I never met Kevin and Fred, I’m not sure that I would be here. They opened my eyes to possibilities in life that I had given up on after my Mom died, that is how I know she had a hand in bringing them to me. There are way too many people to name, but I know they know who they are…they are the only ones I have ever said “I love you” to.
Most importantly I look up to the sky and thank my Mother for bringing me into this world. For giving me all the love she had to give, and some. For protecting me from the things I needed protecting from, and for exposing me to the things I needed to experience in order to grow as a person. I thank her for showing me what unconditional love looks like, and for teaching me how to respect people, and accept people. For risking her life multiple times, just to give me a better one. I love and miss you so much my beautiful Mother.
So yeah, I guess that’s about it. Stop looking at the number of your age, and look at what you have experienced, and accomplished in your life….and the things that you still have left to experience. Be grateful every day for the life you have, and the people in it, because you never know when it’s going to be taken from you.
With gratitude to everyone who has impacted my life in one way or another……and Happy Birthday to me! 
Ice Queen
Definition: n. A Cold and Haughty Woman
I have actually been called an Ice Queen on several occasions, something that I have often thought to be kind of funny. I have been thinking about it more and more lately, and it has gone from funny to maybe slightly annoying, because it shows me how many people actually don’t know ME at all.
The reason I say this, is because although I do sometimes come off as “cold”, the fact is that I am a very warm person. To the people in my life, I would do anything for, often to a fault since I so often put others needs before my own.
I was having a conversation the other day with a co-worker of mine. I was explaining to her that I decide within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether or not I’m going to be in relationship with someone. Now let me explain, because I know that comes off completely wrong. Number one, I read peoples’ eyes, I truly believe you can tell everything about a person just by looking into their eyes. The eyes really are the windows to the soul, at least that’s something I have always believed. Number two, I go with my gut, or my intuition. I know there are many people who think intuition like that doesn’t exist or is evil… that’s okay, but the fact is that I trust my intuition, and sometimes I just get a bad vibe from someone. When that happens, I trust it. (I have learned from several experiences what happens when I don’t trust that feeling.) Number three, if I don’t get a good vibe from you, I’m not going to pretend to be your friend. I think that’s part of where the Ice Queen comes from, I’m not fake, I refuse to pretend to like someone when I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be rude, I will always be respectful, but I’m not going to smile in your face and give you a false sense that I want to be your friend.
So where does the rest of the “Ice Queen” label come from? Well, I would say, aside from me refusing to be fake, there are three more components that lead into it. I don’t hold my tongue. If I have something to say, and it’s something I feel needs to be heard, I’m going to say it. I’m from New York, I’m passionate, and I’m loud, and I sometimes get in your face. Never for no reason, usually it’s because I’m standing up for another person, or something I believe in. Not to say I won’t hear your point of view, but I am going to share mine. Next, I would assume that my lack of trust in people, or maybe better put, my lack of faith in people cause me to have a wall up. I rarely show emotion about anything…. to anyone else, although the fact is I’m a rather emotional person. Just because I don’t let you see me cry doesn’t mean I have no feelings. Finally, I would say that my Ice Queen label comes from the loss of my Mother. I tend to keep people at arms length, because I know first-hand how much it hurts to lose someone who is so close to my heart.
Now here’s the thing. I know who I really am, and the kind of person I am, and how I love the people that I do let in. Although the “Ice Queen” label irks me at times, this is what I know…. If you have gotten past my initial eye and intuition tests, you’re in good shape. If I can honestly say I love you as a person, you’re someone who will be in my heart forever. For the people I love, I would do anything for, ANYTHING.
Why I’m writing this, I do not really know, except I’m tired of the label, but it is what it is. I know that the people who love me, know the person that I really I am. Those who have taken the time to get what I stand for, and respect me, whether they agree with me or not, those are the people I WANT in my life. If there are people who think that I’m an Ice Queen, I know that they really don’t know me, and that’s ok…. But you don’t know what you’r missing.
Let’s wrap this book up, shall we? We all have walls up to a certain extent. We all wear masks, we show only certain sides of ourselves to certain people, and sometimes, some of us are just the person we think others want us to be. Sometimes though, we need to take a few layers of the wall down, maybe one block at a time. Sometimes we need to have faith that people won’t hurt us, or that they won’t leave us, and the faith that even just one person will want to help us take that wall down, and see through to the real us.
We know what we are risking by not letting in the WRONG people…..but what are we risking by not letting in the RIGHT people?
Follow Me