Behind Blue Eyes
It’s funny, people often say that my best physical feature are my eyes. Beautiful blue eyes, which change with my mood. Often a crystal blue when I’m happy, or a deep blue when I’m serious, dark gray when I’m angry, bright shiny aqua blue when I cry. It’s ironic really that I got these beautiful blue eyes from a very ugly person. It should also be known that these beautiful blue eyes came with a price, I also inherited the legal blindness that came with them. Yep, without my contacts I am legally blind (My vision is 20/2600, while normal is 20/20), have been since I was four years old. Since I was a child I waited for the day that I completely lost my vision. I used to walk around the house with my eyes closed so I could learn my way, the honest truth is I still do that. The benefit? Well I can walk around in the dark and not bump in to things, that comes in handy for midnight bathroom trips. This is where my topic today begins, with one small lesson. Things aren’t always what they seem….people aren’t always who they seem. We may look at someone and see beauty…while they look at themselves and see something very ugly.
I often say, and think that no one truly knows who I am. This is something that I often struggle with. I have always done a very good job of being the person I thought other people wanted me to be. So here’s the question, whose “fault” is it that no one really knows the true me, is it theirs for not trying or mine for hiding my true self? It’s taken me a long time, but I’m going to take the blame for this one. While it’s not really about shame or blame, it is about acknowledging that I have put myself in this place, and it is up to me to change it if that is what I truly want.
Like many people, I have experienced some really messed up stuff in my life, both self-inflicted and inflicted by others. While I always swore I would never be held down by those experiences, the more I look at myself, the more I see that in a way I have been. See here’s the truth, while I’m not my past, my past did form who I am today. In all honesty, aside from losing my mother, I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it has made me who I am. (I also know that losing my mother has made me who I am, however, that one I would change) But really, all the other terrible stuff, a really messed up childhood, a really messed up relationship, a miscarriage, doing some really really stupid things, I wouldn’t change them. I learned from those things, those experiences completely molded the person that I am. Part of that, was making me “hard” as people like to say, some say strong, others say… well it doesn’t really matter. The truth is, somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was. I started to hide myself, with clothes, with food, with anger, with my intelligence, with the masks that I have chosen to wear, and while I like to say that no one knows me, maybe I don’t know myself. I think we all wear masks on some level, whether it be because we’re afraid of being judged, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of being hurt…I think all of those things pertain to me, but I’m also aware all of those statements begin with fear.
So here’s my project. Going to school is a great vehicle to begin looking inside of myself and really learning who I am. In the spirit of sharing with people who I am, I’m going to begin sharing those insights with you. My friends, my aquaintances, strangers, whoever decides to take the time to read this. I’m going to put it all out there, understanding the risk of being judged and being vulnerable, and further understanding that if someone chooses to judge me that’s on them. While I feel like this project is part of my journey, I also feel like some of the experiences I have had in life may be similar to other peoples’ experiences, which means maybe in some way my experiences can help someone.
Rather than write a book tonight, I’m going to wrap up by saying this. You may look at someone and see their beautiful eyes or their warm smile, or hear their hearty laugh, are you willing to look behind what you see and hear and see the person for what they really are? Their pain, and their anger, and their demons and most importantly, are you able to love them through it. In fact, as humans, isn’t that all we’re looking for? Unconditional love.
Blessings
HH
The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.
The key to change… is to let go of fear
I think its natural to have a fear of change, I’m pretty sure every person has experienced it at least once in life.
In my last post I had mentioned that I have been re-evaluating my life and that I felt it was time to stop waiting for life to happen. Well I have taken the first step. I have officially given my notice at my job in order to start my own business. While it was something that I was waiting for until I had the amount of money I felt like I needed as a cushion, I also felt like I would never have that money. Not that the money wouldn’t come to me, but you know, you save money, then something in the car or house breaks and the money is gone. Its like people who say they want kids but they are waiting until the right time…Its waiting until the right time that forces life to pass you by.
I realize that while I have overcome a lot of things in life, but I have also allowed fear to stop me from doing a lot.
Starting my own Transaction Management business is something that I have been wanting to do for several years, but I had been waiting for the right time. Well I have made the right time today. I know that I am good at what I do, and I know I will be successful. Sure there may be a few months that I will struggle, but the truth is I will most likely be very successful. Even if I’m not, at least I’ll know that I tried.
The more I think about it, the more I things I think about that fears stop us from doing. Changing jobs, starting businesses for fear of failure, those are common. Then there are those of us who never tell the person we love that we love them because we are afraid they won’t feel the same way. We are hesitant to start a relationship because we are afraid it will fail or that we will lose the friendship we have with that person. We don’t buy a house because we are afraid we won’t be able to afford it. We put of having children because we think maybe we can’t afford it, or that we won’t be good enough parent.
But maybe it isn’t always about the fear of failure or the fear that we can’t afford something, or that we aren’t good enough. Maybe we have other fears, the fear that our new business will actually be successful. The fear that we don’t deserve that success,or that we don’t deserve that new house, or worse that we don’t deserve the unconditional love of a relationship or a child.
Here’s the thing, if we don’t overcome those fears, there can be no change, and without change there can be now growth. The sad truth is but not telling the people we love that we love them, or taking a chance on that relationship, or new job or having that child we always wanted we miss the moment, a moment we most likely will never get back.
In the last year I have told someone I was in love with them…and no they didn’t feel the same way… but I’m still here, I survived. I held a baby for the first time since I miscarried 13 years ago, something I refused to do in the past because I was afraid I couldn’t handle it. I left a job with people that I adored to take less money, I now gave my notice to start my own business. I’ve said things to people that I was afraid would make them hate me, but they didn’t because they knew where my heart was. Sure the fear is still there, its something that will always be in the back of our heads, it just a part of life. But the truth is that fear is nothing but an illusion, even an excuse not to challenge ourselves. We get comfortable where we are and every change scares us. Changes and choices we make may hurt more than others. However, those choices and changes, and overcoming fears are growth, regardless of the outcome. If we aren’t growing, can we even say that we are living?
If I have learned nothing else this week, I have learned that life is entirely to short to wait for great things to come to us, life is too short to not take the risk to make a change, or to say the things we are afraid to say. Tomorrow is NOT promised, we have all heard that, we all know it logically. Sadly though, it sometimes takes the loss of a friend to really remind us and make us understand it. While I can say I don’t have any words left unsaid with the people I care about, I know I have a lot of changes to make to fulfill my dreams.
What fears are you willing to overcome to have the life you deserve? What change are you willing to make to ensure that life doesn’t just pass you by? What words that need to be said are you willing to say before you never get a chance to say them?
My regret is that it took the loss of an amazing man this week to remind me of these things that I already knew. Rest in Peace David Horton.
Broken Angel – For My Little Sister
Everyone who knows me, knows that I have two older sisters, who are my life. What most people don’t know, is that I actually also have a little sister who I have never met. I actually also have two brothers, who I have met, but are not in my life. But, back to my little sister Hannah. Hannah is 16 years old, I was basically her age when she was born. By that time, I was long out of New York, and my biological father was as close to out of my life as he could be. Miss Hannah has been on my mind so much lately, I need to write this for her.
She is currently going through the process of being adopted by her step-father. Ironically, I was also Hannah’s age when I came home from school and decided to call an attorney to be adopted by my “step-father”. Without going into a lot of details, our biological father is, well wretched, to be as nice as possible. I was lucky that when I was 11 my parents moved us to Phoenix, to get away from him…. Hannah wasn’t as lucky, and was stuck with him. Her mother called me in 1998 to write a letter to the courts so that she too could get Hannah away, but my letter apparently wasn’t enough. Two years ago, Hannah was finally able to cut ties with him.
Now I could never explain to anyone who never met the man, what the experience of having him for a father is/was like, except maybe to say very damaging. And every day I think of Hannah, and what she’s going through, because I was there myself so long ago. It’s a hard thing when you want to get away from someone, specifically a parent, so badly, but at the same time the fact that they don’t care enough to acknowledge you’re breathing the same air is beyond painful. Maybe I have been thinking about this so much lately because of a song I heard by Boyce Avenue (which I’m actually going to post below), which reminds me of me, so naturally also reminds me of her.
So this is what I need to say to my Hannah… Chin Up Young Person. I remember how I felt when I was going through the whole adoption thing, and he just didn’t even care enough to respond. I remember how that felt, despite all the terrible things that he had done to me, he couldn’t take the 5 minutes to even respond. And not like I really wanted him to, I didn’t want him in my life, just like you don’t want him in yours, but still, who does that to their child?
The things that you have experience in your past 16 years are some of the absolute worst things that people can experience in life, many of which I know you think will haunt you for the rest of your life. What I need from you is to look at them and know how strong you are for surviving them, something so many people have not been able to do. I won’t lie, and say that they won’t come up when you are my age, but they will remind you how strong you really are. Basically, you’re me, you’re my mini me! The things that you have experienced have to be the foundation of who you become. They will never go away, but they will remind you that there are actually people in your life who deserve your trust, and people who deserve your forgiveness. You have the opportunity to prove to the world (including him) that you can be an absolutely amazing woman, who is the definition of a survivor. Because THAT is what you are. Also, know that I am always here!
To everyone else reading this blog, these are the things I want to say to you. Blood isn’t always thicker than water. An amazing man came into our lives and was the most amazing father someone could ask for. It doesn’t take blood to be a parent, it takes a good heart. Also, never assume that you know what a person has been through, or lived through. You never know what sadness and pain is lurking behind someone’s smile. Finally, what happened in the past will always be there. It’s a choice you have to make as to whether you are going to let it hold you down for the rest of your life, or if you are going to use it to motivate you to change yours, or better yet, someone else’s life. They cycle does not have to be repeated.
Competing with Myself
A competing commitment is what stops us from doing the things we say we want to do, or having the things we want to have. Every day, there are things we say we want, but based on our actions, we see there is something we want more. For example, I could say that I want to lose 100 pounds, but clearly, based on results, I would rather eat carbs in excessive amounts. Now, I’m using that as an example, only because I think it’s pretty easy for most people to understand, and likely relate to. These things come up in our lives all the time, and if we look closely, we can see the fight inside our own minds, or worse, you never see it.
So what happens, when it feels like these Competing Commitments take over, and it feels like your competing with your own self. Where do you begin, when there are so many things that you SAY you want for yourself, but you like the decisions that you unconsciously, or likely, subconsciously make sabotage those things? Sometimes I think that once you hit adulthood you turn on autopilot and do the things you “have” to do to make it through life, and then all of the sudden, years down the road you realize that nothing that you are doing is what you want to do or think that you should be doing, but have to in order to survive. I often wonder how many people just wake up one morning and ask themselves how they got where they are, and at what age they wake up to that question.
What is it that stops us, once we realize that we aren’t the people we want to be, or living the lives we think we should be, from making the changes necessary to move toward that goal? Is it fear, fear because, even though we may not be where we want to be, at least we know what to expect, and although we may not be completely happy, at least we’re comfortable? Is it fear that when we become the person we think we are meant to be, or make the changes we need to make, that people will think differently of us? Do we search and search and search for the path we are meant to be on, only to come across a rock in the path and turn around?
I believe that we all come to a crossroads at some point in our life, maybe more than one. The question is, do we move forward on our current path, or decide to turn down a different one. And if we choose to turn down a different path, will we be leaving people behind, or will they walk that walk with us (or at least visit us every now and then)?
Life is a bunch of questions, obviously. Clearly, I am at one of those crossroads, in so many aspects of my life. I can say honestly, that although it is exciting in a way, at many points the fear is overwhelming, and the doubt takes over, and it kind of feels like every time I make it through one of the impasses, another once comes along just a few steps away. And really…. I just wonder what my Mom’s words of wisdom would reveal.
Our Deepest Fear
This poem was written by Marianne Williamson in “A Return to Love”, which I am currently reading. Also it was quoted by Nelson Mandela, and in the movie “Coach Carter”, which is where I first heard it. I immediately looked it up, and read the whole poem, and it spoke to me.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
There is so much being said in the few lines of this poem. I’d challenge you read it numerous times and really delve into what in means in your life. What has your fear about being the person you were meant to be stopped you from doing? The power we have to be amazing people, is truly in ALL of us. If you have a hard time seeing it that way, or questioning if you deserve the things you were meant to have, and the person you were meant to be, think about it from the other end. Think about how being the best version of yourself can help others.
We all have fears, but what have those fears stopped you from doing? Who has your fear served, because I don’t think it has served anyone else, and for sure it hasn’t served you. What would your life be like if you unleashed the power in your soul?
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