Disappointment
Here’s the truth, somewhere along the line someone close to us will disappoint us. Here’s more truth, disappointment is an emotion that we ourselves are responsible for. Huh? No, really it’s true. No one can make us feel anything without our permission, so while someone stands us up or isn’t there for us when we hope they will be, or they forget something, it isn’t necessarily that their intention was to hurt us. The way we respond to “disappointments” is our own choice. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or anger us, it’s just a circumstance that we have the power to choose how we react to.
Sometimes things come up, sometimes emergencies happen, sometimes the people that we call friends are a little more self-centered than we’d like them to be. The true question is whether or not it is something that came up, or if it is a recurring theme that happens with someone.
For example, you make plans with a really good friend who has always been there for you and although you make plans to go to the movies they call 30 minutes prior and cancel because something came up. Okay this sucks, we’re disappointed and life goes on. It’s not something that happens often, if at all, and although you were really excited about hanging out with this person, you feel a little disappointed….and you get over it. No one’s fault, life happens, everyone is over it.
Example #2. You have a good friend that you always have a good time with and you love dearly. This friend forgets plans that have been made, things come up, they’re late, make excuses and/or they continuously disappoint you. This isn’t new for them, you think you are used to it, but every time it happens your heart hurts and you are disappointed. Who is responsible for you feeling disappointed this time? Is it the person who is famous for standing you up and not being there when they say they are going to be? Or once again is no one really at fault. The truth is this person exhibits the same behavior they always have, it isn’t that they have changed for the worse. Why is their fault for not changing who they are? We have a choice in this type of situation. We accept that the person will never change and we never let it bother us when they are who they are… OR if that isn’t something we are capable of doing, we have to decide if this relationship is beneficial to us, and if it is worth us allowing ourselves to feel hurt or disappointed. (Yes, I said “allow ourselves”).
The truth is, in my opinion, people don’t change. They may change habits, they may change routines, sometimes a person’s true colors eventually shine through for the better or the worse, but at the core they don’t change. What right would we have to try to change them? If we are in relationship with someone it is because we accept and love them for who they are, who are we to say what they should or shouldn’t change about themselves? If there is something we don’t like about someone on our lives we have a simple choice to make, suck it up and accept them or realize they may not be someone that you want in your life, or in your close circle. It’s okay to do that, it truly is okay when you realize that someone isn’t the person you need them to be in your life, for you to decide they need to be in one of your outer circles, or in no circle at all. It’s better to do that then try to change them, or to allow yourself to feel hurt by them all the time and just resent them. Don’t you think? Resentment certainly doesn’t benefit either party, so why continue to hurt yourself? Yep, by allowing this type of relationship or behavior to continue where you are constantly feeling hurt, you are doing that to yourself, no one is doing that to you.
My Mom used to say “Shit on my once, shame on you; Shit on my twice, shame on me.” I think that applies here as well.
We are the creators of our own life. No one can do to us what we don’t allow them to do. There comes a point in life where we need to be the best person we can be, and sometimes that means changing relationships or making difficult decisions. Regardless, it truly is up to us how we allow people to treat us, in then end it is our own responsibility to make sure we are taken care of. Surround yourself with love, surround yourself with people who truly care about you, realize that regardless of who you are or what you may have done in your life you deserve to be treated well….you owe it to yourself and everyone in your life to ensure that you not only treat others well, but that you are treated well.
Blessings…
I hope you didn’t count me out just yet, because yes I am back once again. It’s been 5 or 6 months since you have heard from me, so let me give you a brief summary of what has been going on.
This year has been a huge journey from me, from starting a new job to leaving a new job to starting my own business and starting back in school. It truly has been a year of learning experiences for me, and in all honesty I’m just in a completely different place than I have been. . . and I’m loving the ride.
I went to Oregon on September, because I’m very drawn there and would one day like to move there. As I laid on the massage table at our hotel (I bought myself a birthday massage, hey I earned it!) the light came on in my head that it was time to go back to school. I started at SWIHA last year, but was unable to really commit due to my job and my own commitment level, and clearly my inability to find balance. Truly a big part of why I left my job last year was because I was trying to get to this place of finding my purpose and following that path through school. At the beginning of this year I think I just got caught up in trying to survive I lost sight of that, but it hit me smack in the forehead as I was on that massage table. So, the first thing I did when I came home from Oregon? Re-register for school! I run my own business, make my own hours, choose my clients, really what better time?
Making the decision to go back to school really forced me to decide what was important to me, and I tell you what, it isn’t “stuff”. While I have never considered myself a materialistic person, I have been blessed for many years to make very comfortable money. When I decided to start my own business I really didn’t have that cushion I would have liked to and just dove in. That decision has forced me to live a simpler life, which in fact is what I have been trying to do for years. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge! So here I am running my business and going to school full time. My focus has been taken away from building a mega-business and put on living a purposeful life. I am making less money now than I have probably in 15 years and I am happier than I have ever been. Yes I said it, I am starting to be filled by a sense of peace that I haven’t been able to find…ever. I choose my clients, knowing by doing so I am limiting my income, but expanding that peace, I say that is a FAIR trade. I have an extremely small clientele, each and every one I consider a friend, who are supporting me through this journey, and who are rooting me on from the sidelines, and I am truly blessed by that.
So, I could go on for days, I have so much to share, so many light bulbs that have been turned on on my head. On Monday at school I had a classmate tell me that I am supposed to share my voice, THAT is why I’m back. Not only to share with you, whoever decides to read this, the things that I have learned and experienced, but also to reflect on these things myself.
Since my Mom passed away almost 7 years ago, I have said that I want to share her legacy. The classmate I mentioned above said to me not too long ago, that I also have my own legacy to share. So, my hope is that just one of my blogs, maybe 5 of my words will have an effect on someone’s life.
I would also like to take a moment to thank some people, who truly have been beyond supportive in the many changes that I have been going through the past few months. My sisters, first and foremost for just being supportive and constantly reminding me that they are here for me. My dad, well just for being my Dad. Mac, I don’t have words for you. For renting me a desk in your office for free, for being a great client, for being a great partner, for my heart hugs, for listening to me share what I learned in class, and for just being you! Cameron, my best friend who has kindly dealt with my attitude shifts (nice way of wording that huh?) Our relationship is going through some changes, but you will always be my bestie. Josh G, I’m so glad I finally talked you into utilizing my services. We don’t see each other often, but you have a great energy, and I’m proud to be in business with you. There really are too many people to thank, wow! David B, my Teddy Baird, I just love you. Kevin & Fred, I’m not on your team anymore, and I don’t get to see you much, but I continue to be blessed by both of you, and I can’t thank you enough for being there when I have truly needed you. To EVERYONE in my life, who is witnessing my journey and not telling me that I will hate Oregon, or that I’m crazy, or any of the other negative crap I have heard over the last year…thank you and that’s why you are still in my life. 
I have no time for negativity, and quite frankly, neither should any of you.
Life is short, live much and love often. Remember life isn’t about the things.
The key to change… is to let go of fear
I think its natural to have a fear of change, I’m pretty sure every person has experienced it at least once in life.
In my last post I had mentioned that I have been re-evaluating my life and that I felt it was time to stop waiting for life to happen. Well I have taken the first step. I have officially given my notice at my job in order to start my own business. While it was something that I was waiting for until I had the amount of money I felt like I needed as a cushion, I also felt like I would never have that money. Not that the money wouldn’t come to me, but you know, you save money, then something in the car or house breaks and the money is gone. Its like people who say they want kids but they are waiting until the right time…Its waiting until the right time that forces life to pass you by.
I realize that while I have overcome a lot of things in life, but I have also allowed fear to stop me from doing a lot.
Starting my own Transaction Management business is something that I have been wanting to do for several years, but I had been waiting for the right time. Well I have made the right time today. I know that I am good at what I do, and I know I will be successful. Sure there may be a few months that I will struggle, but the truth is I will most likely be very successful. Even if I’m not, at least I’ll know that I tried.
The more I think about it, the more I things I think about that fears stop us from doing. Changing jobs, starting businesses for fear of failure, those are common. Then there are those of us who never tell the person we love that we love them because we are afraid they won’t feel the same way. We are hesitant to start a relationship because we are afraid it will fail or that we will lose the friendship we have with that person. We don’t buy a house because we are afraid we won’t be able to afford it. We put of having children because we think maybe we can’t afford it, or that we won’t be good enough parent.
But maybe it isn’t always about the fear of failure or the fear that we can’t afford something, or that we aren’t good enough. Maybe we have other fears, the fear that our new business will actually be successful. The fear that we don’t deserve that success,or that we don’t deserve that new house, or worse that we don’t deserve the unconditional love of a relationship or a child.
Here’s the thing, if we don’t overcome those fears, there can be no change, and without change there can be now growth. The sad truth is but not telling the people we love that we love them, or taking a chance on that relationship, or new job or having that child we always wanted we miss the moment, a moment we most likely will never get back.
In the last year I have told someone I was in love with them…and no they didn’t feel the same way… but I’m still here, I survived. I held a baby for the first time since I miscarried 13 years ago, something I refused to do in the past because I was afraid I couldn’t handle it. I left a job with people that I adored to take less money, I now gave my notice to start my own business. I’ve said things to people that I was afraid would make them hate me, but they didn’t because they knew where my heart was. Sure the fear is still there, its something that will always be in the back of our heads, it just a part of life. But the truth is that fear is nothing but an illusion, even an excuse not to challenge ourselves. We get comfortable where we are and every change scares us. Changes and choices we make may hurt more than others. However, those choices and changes, and overcoming fears are growth, regardless of the outcome. If we aren’t growing, can we even say that we are living?
If I have learned nothing else this week, I have learned that life is entirely to short to wait for great things to come to us, life is too short to not take the risk to make a change, or to say the things we are afraid to say. Tomorrow is NOT promised, we have all heard that, we all know it logically. Sadly though, it sometimes takes the loss of a friend to really remind us and make us understand it. While I can say I don’t have any words left unsaid with the people I care about, I know I have a lot of changes to make to fulfill my dreams.
What fears are you willing to overcome to have the life you deserve? What change are you willing to make to ensure that life doesn’t just pass you by? What words that need to be said are you willing to say before you never get a chance to say them?
My regret is that it took the loss of an amazing man this week to remind me of these things that I already knew. Rest in Peace David Horton.
Yes We Can
Barack Obama said “Where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can!”
Quite frankly, your political persuasion doesn’t concern me, nor do your feelings about Barack Obama, as this isn’t a political blog. However, I will ask you how many times you decided not to do something that people told you that you couldn’t do. When you were a kid did you say you wanted to change the world, and hear someone tell you that one person can’t do that? Aside from the fact that I personally don’t believe that one person doesn’t have the ability to change the world, I also don’t believe that one person can’t stop you from your dreams…..provided you don’t allow them to.
As previously mentioned, I did let it happen to me. I chose not to be an artist because my so-called father told me that I couldn’t. A few years after he told me that I couldn’t be an artist, he also told me I would be ignorant and would amount to nothing. That was the time I realized that I couldn’t allow other people what I was and was not capable of. I actually swung the other way, and even to this day insist on proving people wrong about me. That’s a choice each and every one of us must make in life. There is always going to be someone who tells you can’t do something, are you going to believe them, or are you going to prove them wrong?
I don’t care who you are, you can do anything. We are each a child of God, and we have the right to achieve everything we want to, and were meant to. One person absolutely CAN change the world. Each and every one of us is capable of amazing and some, even miraculous things. Don’t ever let someone tell you can’t do something….use their negativity to fuel your desire….Prove them Wrong!
What are you Willing to Sacrifice for a Relationship
It is a burning question. What about yourself are you willing to change for someone else? Who in your life would you be willing to give up?
What would you do if you started dating someone and learned that you had to change who you were, or drop some friends to make that person happy? How far are you willing to go to make that person love you or simply make the relationship work, and how much SHOULD you have to give up to make it work?
I’m a very firm believer, from experience of course, that the more you try to change someone, the more you end up changing yourself. I also do really believe people are not capable of changing who they are at the core. But how often is it that we meet someone that we’re interested in, and we become someone totally different? At what point is it ok to ask someone to drop a friend or two because you don’t like them, or because they are of the opposite sex, is it ok? I don’t believe it is.
I’m a huge believer that you should not take out on your current significant other, what a past significant other did to you. Therefore, unless the person you are with give you a reason to not trust them, why should there be an issue with them being friends with someone of the opposite sex. Which of course leads me to say, if you can’t or don’t trust the person you are with, why are you with them. That leads me to the next, and possibly more important point…. You start dating someone, and you drop some real, true friends because the other person isn’t secure enough to “allow” you to be friends, and then it happens. You break up for a completely unrelated issue, now there you are with no boyfriend/girlfriend, and no friend that you had before because you dropped them. What then?
There are always going to be things that people don’t like about you, that’s just the way life goes. But the truth is that if someone likes you, cares about you, or loves you, they are going to ACCEPT those things about you, just like they would hope you would accept them for who they are. When we look for relationships, or meet someone we would like to be in relationship with, it’s become natural for us to be who we think they want us to be….don’t you think that eventually they will see the real you? What then?
Clearly, I’m no expert on relationships, and maybe this is why. So often it turns out that people aren’t who they claim to be.
What would happen if we entered into a relationship being who we really are, and if we gave the other person the opportunity to decide if the REAL you is who they want to be in a relationship. You are who you are, what you are. By trying to change that you either end up full of resent, or eventually reverting back to the real you, and losing that person anyway, just after you have both invested so much of yourself…You end up losing more that way. I mean really, if who you are isn’t good enough, what’t the point in pretending to be someone else? What good is it to you, to lose who you are for someone else, and to possibly lose some amazing friendships, that you will probably never be able to get back.
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