What Becomes of the Broken Hearted. . .
I have been thinking the last 3 days about what my next blog topic would be. Clearly I have been completely blocked, and not just creatively. I made a comment the other day about the fact that I’m apparently grieving backwards, started with acceptance, and then I moved on to depression. A very good friend of mine responded with “Grief is grief and it doesn’t matter which way you are going if your hurting. Remember you have lots of great listeners if you need support, even if you don’t know what that looks like.” (Thank you for that Tricia)
So I’m going to go into this topic, if not to make anyone think, but to maybe heal my soul a little bit. For the first time I have discovered what it feels like to have a broken heart over something other than the loss of a romantic relationship, or worse, the loss of my mother. Last week I made the conscious decision to give up someone who I truly considered my best friend. Now anyone who knows me, will know that I am often referred to as the Ice Queen. Not because I am really cold-hearted, but since the loss of my mother, I do tend to come off that way. Truly, not because I don’t care, but because I’m generally pretty good at just turning off my emotions as to not get hurt, yet here I am….hurting.
I don’t need to go into much detail, only to say that when I met this person everything was different. For the first time in a very, very long time I had absolutely no walls up, which is something that actually baffled me. But the more time I spent with this person the more I found comfort in the fact that I could be myself 100%. This is something that is very rare for me. I am very good at wearing masks, very very good at being the person I think people want me to be. But then I met this person, and realized I could just be me. Never trying to impress them, or be someone I wasn’t, just me, and in doing that for the first time I felt truly accepted. Not only that, but I tried new things, experienced new feelings and emotions, and most importantly for me…trust.
I really felt, and still feel like God brought this person into my life for a reason, many reasons really. To experience what it felt like to be accepted for me completely, to laugh every day, and to not feel guilty for the things I felt, and really to be completely open to the friendship and all of the new things I was experiencing, without any doubt or hesitation.
Honestly, the events that led up to the end of our friendship are irrelevant. In my heart, I felt, and still feel like it was the right thing to do. Yes, I was hurting, but that is not why things unfolded the way they did. In my heart, I knew it was the right thing to do for this person and the things that they truly want. I hate to say that the walls had to come back up. It was a protection for myself, and I guess that’s where the whole acceptance thing of the grieving process came from so quickly. But the more I thought about it, and the more I saw them, the more it hurt, and hurts. I realize that making this decision was absolutely one of the most difficult and painful things that I have had to do. It baffles me that in such a short amount of time, someone could affect my life so deeply, that someone could become so important to me, just as a friend, a confidant, and someone I felt like I could truly trust.
I will allow myself to be vulnerable and say that my heart hurts. It aches for the times we have spent together and the memories we made. I’m good at wearing masks. I’m good at walking by and smiling like everything is ok, like when I see them I’m not crying inside, like I don’t feel like I’ve lost an important part of me.
I never thought I would or could feel that way about someone who was “just a friend”. I never really allowed myself to get that close to someone, and open myself up to that kind of loss. Deep down I know that I’m blessed to have had that chance, that I was able to just open up and risk losing it. It’s something I have refused to do since my Mom died, which I know is a huge step.
They say that time heals all wounds. Honestly, I don’t really agree with that….just based on experience, but I also know that I have to accept that this is going to a be a process, one day at a time. I also pray this person knows how much I love them, and really just want the best for them, because despite what they think, the best is what they deserve.
So that’s it. I have no deep thoughtful questions for you, only for myself. And maybe I just have a lesson… that opening up yourself to hurt, can lead to some amazing and great times. That sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith, and know that there are some truly wonderful people out there, and although they may not be in your life forever, they were brought to you for a reason. Whether they are in your life forever, for years, or for months, you should hold them in your hearts for eternity.
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.” ~Winnie the Pooh
Our Deepest Fear
This poem was written by Marianne Williamson in “A Return to Love”, which I am currently reading. Also it was quoted by Nelson Mandela, and in the movie “Coach Carter”, which is where I first heard it. I immediately looked it up, and read the whole poem, and it spoke to me.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
There is so much being said in the few lines of this poem. I’d challenge you read it numerous times and really delve into what in means in your life. What has your fear about being the person you were meant to be stopped you from doing? The power we have to be amazing people, is truly in ALL of us. If you have a hard time seeing it that way, or questioning if you deserve the things you were meant to have, and the person you were meant to be, think about it from the other end. Think about how being the best version of yourself can help others.
We all have fears, but what have those fears stopped you from doing? Who has your fear served, because I don’t think it has served anyone else, and for sure it hasn’t served you. What would your life be like if you unleashed the power in your soul?
Emotional Rant #2 – Relationships
I probably won’t delve into this one too deep. After all a “relationship” topic could go on for days. But I will say, that being almost 33, and having been in a very long, on and off, dysfunctional relationship, I have a little to say on the topic. I know that I have said before that I refuse to take out on a man, what another man has done to me. I firmly believe that too many people do that, and a lot of problems in relationships stem from that very thing. Insecurity, mistrust, dishonesty, the list goes on.
I will also say that I am a firm believer that you never take a step back in life. (Another thing my Mom taught me, but was a hard lesson learned). That being said, I believe that when you break up with someone, you break up with them for a reason. How often is it that the reason ever goes away. For example, you break up with someone because the stress of money, and family is something you fight about all the time, and finally it breaks you up. 3 months, a year, 3 years later, you decide to get back together. Well I have news for you, the stress of money, the stress of family, or the stress of whatever it was that broke you up in the first place DIDN’T go away. So how are you going to deal with it the next time?
Now I’m not saying that all people who break up and get back together are doomed. But before you get back together with someone, wouldn’t it be wise to take a deep, hard look at why you broke up in the first place? The chances are great that the problem will resurface, and if you do know that, are you prepared to deal with it the next time?
I think a lot of people end up getting back together out of sheer comfort. I mean, being single, I know how lonely it gets, and to be with someone that you were with for a long time, who knows you well is comfortable. I also know that the “dating game” sucks, because quite frankly, that’s exactly what it is, a game.
The questions I ask, and the questions I would hope you ask your self are 1.) Why is this person coming back to me now, or why do I want to be back with this person? Is it comfort? Is it because you, or they just broke up with someone else and the idea of loneliness sucks? Or is it because deep in your heart you know that you both want to be together, to love each other unconditionally, through good AND bad. Which leads me to 2.) What broke you up in the first place? Are you prepared to deal with that situation again, because chances are it will come back up.
You should never settle. Never settle for less than you deserve, just because it’s comfortable. Because you think you know the other person’s issues, and quirks isn’t a reason to settle. Because it’s so much easier than dealing with all the games…. While taking that step backwards, well stepping back into comfort, you could be missing out one someone you are actually meant to be with, but you’ll never know will you?
Being comfortable got us to where we are now, it won’t get us to where we want to be, or where we are meant to be.
What A Day . . . Religion
So I actually have 2 things to write about, because of a very intense last hour I have had. I’ve decided I will write about this one first since I am SO angry about it. I like to say that most of the things I will blog about are deeply thought through and reflected upon. However, I will advise now, that today’s post as well as tomorrows are going to be based off strict emotion and nothing more. I will also advise that I rarely talk religion, but, well I have SO much inside me right now it’s going to have to come out. . . So Here goes.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an extremely spiritual person. A small background is that my mother was raised Jewish, Hebrew school and all. My biological father is also Jewish, born in Germany right after the holocaust. That being said, I was not raised with religion. My mother studied Judaism when she was a kid, and the bible as she grew into adulthood. She raised us to believe in God, and be good people, to treat people with respect, to pray every day and that we didn’t need to go to church in order to have a relationship with God. She always wanted us to find our own spiritual path, which I respect so much. I have done my best to live my life in that way. I pray every day, more than once a day. I thank God for all of my blessings, and pray that I will be forgiven for my sins, and I like to believe that I am a fairly selfless person who treats all other people with respect and kindness.
I actually study all faiths quite heavily, as it is something that really speaks to me. That being said, I don’t find the need to classify myself by claiming I am one “religion” or another. The fact is that I believe in possibilities, and my personal choice is not to limit myself, but search for answers every day of my life. Now please don’t misunderstand me, I have respect for all faiths, and all religions, and find it a blessing in this day in age for people to believe in something.
I could never claim that I am perfect, or anywhere near perfect. But I will say that I do believe that I am a good person. I ask myself often ask myself how what I am doing or saying look in the eyes of God. I would venture to say that I am more “Christian” than a lot of people I know who say they are Christian, because being a Christian is so much more than just saying that you are Christian. (If that makes ANY sense).
Moving on, and trying to wrap this rant up. No one, I mean NO ONE has the right to judge me or anyone else for their beliefs, and I truly believe that if you claim to be “religious” and you are judging other people based on that, or anything else for that matter, then you need to take a deep hard look at what you SAY your faith or religion is. Because us, as humans, have absolutely no right to judge other people. That’s God’s job.
So where is this all coming from, you ask? Well I won’t go into the very long and absurd details, but I was just texted by someone I have never met, who said to me “Ok, well I know you are into astrology, and we are Christian…..” Um, yeah. First off, you don’t know me, second off, I’m quite sure you just attacked my faith, third off, what kind of Christian are you to judge me”. There are so many things wrong with that text, that it’s actually blowing my mind! BLOWING MY MIND! My mission, and my purpose in life is to help and heal people, and now I am not even being attacked by someone who knows me, and my heart, but someone who doesn’t. I won’t go into the rest of the conversation in the text. I will only say, think about what you say to people for God’s sake. Before you start judging other people, make sure you are taking a look at yourself, and that you are living the path that your God laid out for you.
I’m beyond emotion right now, so I will leave it here. I truly hope that I haven’t offended anyone with the religion talk. But honestly, if you know me, you do know that I respect all faiths, and if you got anything other than that from this post, it was certainly not my intention.
“Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgement you make, you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get.” Matthew 7:1-3
How much do you give & take?
Many people naturally want to help other people out, especially their friends and family. I think it’s natural to offer assistance to other people…..or maybe just for some people. I personally grew up wanting to do for others, I believe it’s in my nature, regardless of whether or not I get anything in return.
But how many times have you offered to do something for someone else, without any expectation of getting anything in return, only to have them constantly asking for favors? On top of that, what is there response when (if ever) you ask for a favor from them? My mother used to always say “If you give an inch, they’ll take a mile”. Now I don’t believe that’s true in all cases, I also think that many people don’t realize that they even do that. I think that often times people end up taking people for granted. Maybe another inherent flaw of human kind.
I think that our time here is precious, and the relationships that we form are also very precious. I think so often we take the people who care about us the most for granted, not knowing that tomorrow may never come. Whether we don’t make it to tomorrow, or if one person just finally decides they have had enough and walks out the door. Relationships, whether friendships, family, spouses, whatever…are two-way streets. You have to give in order to get. I’m not talking about monetary things, or any material things. But if you expect someone to give of themselves to you, you need to be willing to give something of yourself back to that person.
To the people I care about, I would be willing to give the world if I was able. People are always going to come into your life and take advantage of that quality. If you are that type of person, you need to find the happy medium, it’s important to give of yourself, but when you come to realize that you have given so much of yourself to someone, that you have nothing left for yourself, it’s time to do some re-evaluating. It doesn’t mean that you stop giving to others, it just means you need to be more selective of the people you are giving to.
So my question is, how much are you willing to give without getting anything back before you let go? And maybe more importantly, how much can you take from someone before they have nothing left to give to you, and the walk out of your life….. and is that relationship so worthless that you are okay with it? Because quite frankly, unless your intention is actually to use someone, I can’t imagine that you would want to lose that kind of person from your life.
Remember, that tomorrow may never come to say the things to people the things that need to be said. Remember, that actions speak louder than words, ALWAYS, actions speak louder than words. Sometimes saying “hey I appreciate it” actually means nothing….because there were no actions to support it. Be good to yourself…..and be good to the people who are good to you. Somehow, that’s another thing that often gets thrown to the side in the rush of making it through life. Sometimes we need to slow down and remember that it’s the people IN our lives that are what really matter.
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