But I Don’t Trust Anyone. . .
For the last week I have been processing my experience at the Celebrate Your Life Conference last weekend. It’s A LOT to process, and I can’t even begin to explain how that experience resinated with me. I will share more as the weeks go on, but I thought I would share first the one thing that hit me the fastest and the hardest…. and I even came up with it all on my own. 
If you have spoken with me more than once, I’m sure you would have, at some point, heard me say “but you know, I
don’t trust people.” Last Saturday, I realized I say that sentence at least once a day. Whether it be not trusting because of the fear of being hurt, screwed over, or judged, I’ve been that way for many, many years.
We had to do an exercise in Sunny Dawn Johnston’s workshop, that to me was very personal in not only sitting very close with another person that we did not know, but we also had to allow them to touch us (no, not inappropriately), so we had to completely trust that person. I won’t go to in depth, because I would love for everyone to try this one day. But of course, my normal programs went off IMMEDIATELY upon hearing about the details of this exercise. First thing that came to my head “What am I doing here? I can’t do this, I don’t trust people.” Now, of course I did the exercise, because that’s the whole reason I attended this conference, to open myself up and learn new things. And surprise, surprise my partner caused me no harm, not physically, emotionally, or mentally and WITHOUT judgement. Really surprisingly however, was how I felt afterwards, aside from realizing I wasn’t harmed by trusting this person, I also felt this love, yes I said it love, from this person I had never in my life met before.
When I went home that night, after a few more workshops, I realized I had been what I had been working through that entire day. It hit me then, that I literally say “well, you know, I don’t trust people” at least once a day, and in doing that I have actually planted the seed in my brain that I can’t trust people. And worst of all, it has taken me at least 20 years to figure that out.
Now I will give myself credit and say that this year I really have stepped outside my little tiny box and said I was going to trust more, yet on only one occasion, and with only one person did I actually do that. I will also be honest and say that with this particular person, I did somewhat end up getting hurt. However, I also got back up and opened myself up more than I ever have with other people, in th meantime still telling myself and everyone around me daily that I don’t trust people. I don’t believe in letting my walls down completely, and I’m pretty sure I never will. However, in realizing that I began not trusting at a very young age because of people and experiences, I’m now at a point that I don’t trust, simply because I have engrained in my head that I CAN’T. That’s a sad and lonely existence for anyone don’t you think?
Being the analyzer that I am, I have been looking at where else in my life this little seed planting has shown up. How many negative things do we tell ourselves on a daily basis that causes us to truly believe we are a certain way, or that we have to be a certain way, when in fact, it’s not even true? I’m not smart enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m not pretty enough, I could never do that, I could never be that….. Maybe some of these things have been told to us once or twice in life, but it is our own minds that truly make us believe it by repeating it every day. What if every day, whether we felt it or not, we said “I am worthy” or “I am beautiful” or “I can be anything”? If we end up believing our negative lies, why wouldn’t we be able to believe our positive truths? It is up to US, ourselves to plant the seeds, and it is up to US to make sure they are positive seeds.
Ok, got just a little bit off track, so lets wrap this up with the trust thing. For me personally, I have, in the past not trusted people for the following reasons: Fear of being hurt by that person (physically or emotionally), fear of being screwed over by someone, and fear of being judged.
Fear of being hurt – some people are just going to hurt us right? Whether intentionally or unintentionally. It is up to me as to how I react or feel when someone hurts me. Granted, if they hurt me physically, I can admit that I am not strong enough yet that I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t physically hurt them back. However, being hurt emotionally is a way of life, and again it’s our reaction to that situation that makes it hurt. No one can hurt us unless we allow them to. The person that I said I trusted fully, and ended up being hurt by… It took me a long time to realize it, but he didn’t hurt me, he never had any intention of hurting me, and when I look down deep in my soul, I know that hurting me is the last thing he would ever do. It is how I chose to process that situation that made it “hurtful”. And I have to say, that finally being at peace with that situation, and forgiving not only him, but myself is amazing, and hopefully one day we’ll be close friends again.
Fear of being screwed over – Sad to say, but there are just some bad people out there, and some of them are going to screw me over. It is what it is, you can take everything away from me and I will still have myself and my family, so in reality I can’t be screwed over. Isn’t it amazing what perception can do?
Fear of being judged (probably the worst for me) – well guess what, in the words of Wayne Dyer, “Your Opinion of me is none of my business.” Truly, it isn’t. I know the person that I am, and if you are judging me based on my appearance or something I say or do, then the fact is that you don’t know me, and that’s not my loss, so no it isn’t any of my business. Also, on a side note to that “all judgments are self-judgments”. Meaning, I am a mirror of you and you are a mirror of me, so the things you don’t like about me, are the things you don’t like about yourself, so one more time to plant the seed in my brain, and yours, “your opinion of me is none of my business.”
People are going to hurt us, people are going to screw us over, people are going to judge us. The important thing is this… Don’t ever be the person to hurt someone else…. Don’t ever screw anyone over… Don’t judge another person…. that way when the one and only being that actually has the right to judge us, we’ll be in pretty good shape.
This I Believe. . .
For my public speaking class I had to write a speech about something I believe. NPR has a program where people share the personal philosophies and core values that guide their daily lives, so our speech was based on that. At first I didn’t know what to write about, but when I sat down in front of the computer it just all flew out of me without thinkin, and I’m basically going with the first draft. After the words came out, there were very few things that I changed. (even my punctuation and grammar is off, but since it’s a speech, I’m okay with it.)
Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to present this speech for a group of students in my class, and of course, not liking public speaking, I’m getting more and more nervous.
In all honesty, I debated long and hard on posting this, as it is probably the most personal you will ever see me get. However, after reading it a few times, I felt that it is not only a tribute to life’s experiences, but a tribute to my mother as well. Take what you will from it.
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I Believe I Learned Absolutely Everything I Ever Need to Know About Life From My Mother.
In my 33 years on this earth, I have had the opportunity to see so many aspects of life…many things a person probably never should see, many things a person should never have to experience.
Spending much of my childhood in a violently abusive home, I learned that some parents don’t always love their children the way they should. Watching my mother sneak out of the house to learn to drive, saving every penny she could and gaining the strength to take my sisters and myself and leave, I learned the strength of a woman is beyond measure. . .and that for some parents only death could stop them from protecting their child.
Living in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment with no furniture, eating peanut butter sandwiches on the floor with my sisters I learned that we don’t need fine food, furniture and possessions to have fun and feel love.
Watching my mother marry a man with no biological children, and no opportunity have any of his own, enabled me to see what a man should be. Experiencing that same man love, cherish and take care of my mother … and her 3 damaged daughters taught me what a father should be.
My mother forcing us to eat dinner EVERY night with our family, AT the table taught me the importance of communication and family.
Remembering my mother being locked in her room for a week and raped by my biological father…as I too laid on the floor with a gun held to my head by a boyfriend the night I broke up with him taught me how we often tend to repeat history, and that only I could break that cycle.
Having a miscarriage at 20 taught me that nothing is promised…5 years later thinking about that miscarriage and the dysfunctional relationship I was in at the time, I understood what my mother meant when she always said that everything happens for a reason.
Listening to my mother explain to me that my biological father was a sick and lonely man, and should not be hated, taught me forgiveness.
By constantly reminding me to say “Thank You” and “I love you” she taught me to never take people for granted.
Losing my mother in a car accident when I was 27 taught me that nothing will ever hurt as bad as losing a mother…my mother….my best friend, my hero, my heart.
As I stood before hundreds of people at her funeral sharing the lessons I had learned from her, I learned that I wasn’t the only person whose life she touched, and from the responses, I clearly wasn’t the only one she shared these wise words with:
Never, ever go to bed angry and say I love you every time you hang up the phone or walk out the door…because you never know when it’s going to be the last time.
When the Need becomes greater than the want, there’s a problem.
If everyone put their problems in a circle, they would each take back their own. There is always someone worse off than you so be grateful every day.
Never judge anyone, because you have no idea what their circumstances are.
There’s THREE sides to every story. (His, hers and the truth)
You don’t need to like a person to show them respect.
You don’t have to go to church to have a relationship with God.
Thank God every morning before you get out of bed for a new day….thank Him again before you go to sleep for surviving that day.
Never hate anyone…hatred only breeds more hatred and in the long run, only hurts YOU.
As long as you actually learn from your mistake…it’s not really a mistake.
Always try your best…even if your results aren’t perfect, as long as you try your hardest it will have been worth it.
Treat people the way you want to be treated. You can’t expect someone to treat you better than you treat them.
Never walk out of the house without lipstick. Even if you don’t wear any other makeup, throw some lipstick on, it brings your face to life.
I could go on for days with her wise words of wisdom. The point is that despite all of the horrible things that SHE experienced in life, she always knew there was a meaning to it all, regardless of whether we know the meaning or not . . . She taught me that too.
Being forced to live life after shes gone, I learned that she would never have left this earth had she not felt she taught me everything I needed to learn to survive life, and that I am a survivor.
Regardless of whether the things she taught me were by the words she spoke or actions I witnessed, I feel blessed to have learned what I have from such a wise woman. A woman who was full of love and full of life, and who constantly shared all of that, regardless of what she was going through.
Although I only had 27 years to share with her on this planet, I have continued to learn from her even in the past 6 years that she hasn’t been here with me physically.
The most important thing? Well, although she used to say it all the time, I guess I never fully understood when she used to say that tomorrow is never promised. Because she knew that, because she was the person that she was, she left a legacy, and now I know it’s my turn….. my turn to share all the things that she shared with me. Not only to fulfill her legacy…. But to create my own.
The Worst Day . . . or is it?
“Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change. Because, if it does change, then it won’t have anything to complain about.”
I have been hearing those three words entirely too much lately. I feel like many little catch phrases utilized in our society now a days (don’t get me started on “fml”) are completely absurd and this one is near the top of the list.
Is it really the worst thing? I mean come on! “I got stuck in traffic for THREE hours today because of an accident, it was the worst day!” I’m using this one because it hits the closest to home for me, and INFURIATES me. How dare you tell me that you had the worst day because you were stuck in traffic. Let’s see, I’m sure for the people who were actually involved in the accident, it may have been the worst day. More than likely for the child who is being told that their mother won’t be coming home for dinner…or ever, it is the worst day ever. But for you, let’s be clear, it was an inconvenience. So while you’re sitting in traffic, pissy because there is nothing on the radio, and you aren’t moving faster than a snails pace, why not take a look up to the sky and say “thank you” because you weren’t involved in the accident. Maybe even a “please watch over the families of the people who lost someone in the accident 5 cars ahead of me” wouldn’t take up too much of your precious time in between phone calls to each and every person you know complaining to them how you are stuck in traffic.
Drastic and harsh, I know, but I’m pretty sure no one thinks about the words that come out of their mouths anymore. How about while you are updating your facebook about how you are having the worst day ever because your boss is an ass for yelling at you for being late to work, you take a moment to be grateful that you have a job. Or maybe while you are yelling at the person at the drive through and throwing your burger back at them because they put lettuce on your burger, you take 5 seconds to think about the millions of people not only in this country, but in this world, who won’t have anything to eat today, or maybe even this week. Oh wait, yeah, the worst day…your husband used up all the hot water this morning and you had to take a cold shower…isn’t that the WORST? How about sucking it up, and being grateful that you don’t have to bathe in toxic filth filled water with hundreds of other people, that by the way is the same body of water you drink from.
There are people in this world who have lost a loved one, who have no job or food to eat, who are dying of deadly diseases who still won’t say they are having the worst day, and yet there are still those who insist that their little inconveniences are the worst thing ever. Guess what buddy, there is ALWAYS someone who is worse off than you, you can either to complain about it or you can do your part and change it.
Somewhere along the line we have forgotten that our words have meaning, and to be quite frank, as of late the meaning of the words I hear has been that of sheer ungratefulness and disrespect. And yet we wonder why our children are rude, bullying and ungrateful?
There are people dying every second, soldiers fighting for our country, dying every day. Children killing themselves because they are being bullied, Cancer, AIDS, Heart Disease, Poverty, Rape, Murder, the list goes on and on and on and on. How can anyone be so vain to say their inconvenience is the worst thing that can happen?
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Change the world….One bite at a time
It’s been a while, I know! Work and school are taking up most of my time. However, I have something that I feel I need to share.
For my Nutrition class I had to watch “Food Inc.”, a movie that I have never watched before. Of course I had my preconceived notions as to what it was going to be about, but in all honesty, I was shocked at what I learned.
I strongly recommend EVERY ONE watch this movie, particularly anyone who has children. Knowing that many of you won’t, I want to share a few key things.
1. The food industry is beyond a monopoly (run basically by the fast food industry), and is a complete political game. Large food companies (Foster Farms, etc) have complete control over the entire industry, enforcing the injection of hormones into our meats, cleaning the meat fillers with amonia, and ensuring the cruel treatment not only of animals, but of human workers.
2. Cows were never meant to eat corn, but because corn is so cheap, that is the main diet of cattle. Did you know that this corn diet causes the e-coli virus? That because of the living conditions cows are standing knee deep in their feces, and that because when the meat is packed, the meat from hundreds of cows can be in one package…..and just one cow carrying the e-coli virus will contaminate ALL the meat.
3. Most interestingly (to me), if these corn-fed cows were fed grass (which is what they were born to eat) for only FIVE days, it would rid the cow of over 80% of the e-coli virus.
4. Also, very interesting to me, and proving to me how political this industry is….Get this. In 1972, the FDA performed over 50,000 inspections for safety. In 2006, they performed 9,162. Uh HELLO, does anyone else see a problem with that???
I could go on for days about the horrific things I learned in this movie. How tomatoes are picked before they are ripe, and turned red by using etheline? The chemicals that we put into our bodies to enjoy a fast food burger, or a less expensive piece of fruit in sickening.
With or without watching this movie, I think the most important point is this: We eat fast food, and processed food because it’s “cheaper”. Sure it is, it’s all filler and chemicals….But how much MORE money are we spending on medical bills down the road because of this “cheap” food?
I’m not trying to get up on a high horse and all of the sudden tell people they’re evil for eating meat or fast food, or anything. I would just encourage people to investigate what they are eating, and understand why there is so much illness and obesity in our society. And also understand that the more we choose organic and natural foods, the more it will be available, and the less we will have of the cruelty to these animals, to the workers, and to our own bodies. We as the consumers are the only one who have the ability to take down these corporations feeding us PURE crap….as apparently they are immune to any other sort of justice.
Take a stand….we are the only ones who have the ability to change our own health, the health of our children, and the health of our environment.
Off my high horse now. . . I would just hope you will take one piece of this…enough to make you ask more questions.
You say it’s your birthday….It’s MY Birthday too!
I’m long overdue for a blog, so I figured today would be a great day to post one.
Today am turned 33 years old, nope, I’m not ashamed, I’m getting older and I’m completely okay with it. Sure I miss some of the old days, when some parts of life were a little easier, and of course I miss the times when my Mother was here. But I’m not one of those people who is ashamed of getting older, or freaking out about it. (Except, of course for the increased number of wrinkles, and gray hairs.)
I have come to realize how my life changes every year. Each year I learn new things, meet new and amazing people, strengthen relationships and grow. How can anyone complain about that?
33 kicked off on Thursday with lunch at Fogo De Chao in Austin, with Kevin & Fred, and it’s still going. Last night was absolutely amazing, with some great friends who love me unconditionally, something I am beyond grateful for. Tonight, I will celebrate with my sister and some friends, and top of the weekend with breakfast with my sisters and my dad. The year can only get better from here. I started school, and am loving it, and I see so much growth opportunity ahead of me. 33 is going to be GREAT!
I think it’s important on birthdays, to be little extra grateful. Grateful to have been thought of by God, and brought to life by your parents. Today I am grateful for SO many things. I am grateful to God for deciding to be bring my soul to earth, and provide me with the best Mother I could ask for, as well as sisters that I would give my life for. I am grateful that my Dad was brought into my life at the age of 5, and loved me through everything. I’m grateful for the friends I have made along the way, especially all those who were brought into my life in the last few years since my Mother died. I often say it, and I wonder if anyone truly knows how true it is, that had I never met Kevin and Fred, I’m not sure that I would be here. They opened my eyes to possibilities in life that I had given up on after my Mom died, that is how I know she had a hand in bringing them to me. There are way too many people to name, but I know they know who they are…they are the only ones I have ever said “I love you” to.
Most importantly I look up to the sky and thank my Mother for bringing me into this world. For giving me all the love she had to give, and some. For protecting me from the things I needed protecting from, and for exposing me to the things I needed to experience in order to grow as a person. I thank her for showing me what unconditional love looks like, and for teaching me how to respect people, and accept people. For risking her life multiple times, just to give me a better one. I love and miss you so much my beautiful Mother.
So yeah, I guess that’s about it. Stop looking at the number of your age, and look at what you have experienced, and accomplished in your life….and the things that you still have left to experience. Be grateful every day for the life you have, and the people in it, because you never know when it’s going to be taken from you.
With gratitude to everyone who has impacted my life in one way or another……and Happy Birthday to me!
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