Sometimes Deep . . . Often Random Thoughts

I’m long overdue for a post and what I’m about to share is something I have been going back and forth about for the last 24 hours.  It is something that is going to get slightly personal for me, and quite honestly uncomfortable to share.  HOWEVER, I decided that if by sharing what I have to say can help or change the thought of one person it will have been worth-while.  So, here it goes.

I have been feeling oddly disconnected lately, disconnected and conflicted.  I think the majority of it just has to do with a lot of new things in life and trying to find balance, and heading more in the direction of what I truly desire.  So, last night I had a slight little “breakdown” for lack of a better word and I discovered something.  Like, hardcore something I have never thought about in my life.  I realized something about myself that is sticking in my heart, and I’m trying to understand it a little bit better and work through it.

As a young child I experienced and witnessed some messed up stuff, so I learned how to put up a guard and not really let my feelings show much.  Then at 19 when I was in my first serious relationship I felt way too much and wore it on my sleeve.  After 7+ years of that followed by the loss of my mother I realize now, that I reverted back to a childhood habit and took it to another level…. I just don’t feel my own emotions.  Nothing, Nada, Zip.  Now this is really kind of weird, because I am an extremely empathetic person, and feel other peoples’ pain and joy so deeply I feel it deep in my soul.  But what I finally realized last night is that when it comes to my own joy and pain, I got nothing.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am relatively happy person.  I love my family and I have a few close friend who make me pretty happy.  But when it comes to true jump up and down excitement…nope, don’t remember the last time that happened….when it comes to feeling my pain……nope, nothing…..  I used to think that it was because I have known for the last 7 years that nothing could hurt as much as the loss of my mother, but I honestly never even dealt with that pain.  It’s like the moment she was gone, I turned off.  I literally turned off all internal, self-related emotion.  And now… well I kind of wonder where it went.  I wonder if I can’t feel my own pain, will I ever feel TRUE joy.  And THAT is why I have to share.  Here is my lesson……

Turning off my pain has been a self-defense mechanism that served me for a time.  The challenge is that I never took the time to really do anything with it, and now over the years I have just day by day turned it all off.  NOW, I realize, this self-defense mechanism is no longer serving me, truly it hasn’t for several years.  And while I confess that I still don’t think I am ready to jump head first into my mother’s death, I do have this new awareness.  This awareness that I am living in neutral. Sure no feelings of pain, and at the same time I have risked the feeling of joy.  That’s been my cost.

Living in neutral is fine for a time, there are times when that is what best serves us, and actually sometimes helps us to move forward.  But when you open your eyes one day and realize that you have been stuck feeling the same way for years, you have to realize that something is amiss.  And what are you willing to do about it?

Myself, I have been journaling a lot, and taking one day at a time, and making new small changes every day.  What I want to say to you, anyone who is reading this who feels stuck in a similar “thing”, is don’t wait too long.  Talk to someone, write, get your creative juices flowing.  While it FEELS better not to feel any pain, understand that there is a cost to everything.  So the cost of not feeling pain, is not feeling any of the other wonderful feelings that we are truly meant to feel every day.

So yeah, that’s my story.  Today is better than yesterday….May tomorrow be better than today.

Blessings….