Sometimes Deep . . . Often Random Thoughts

For the last week I have been processing my experience at the Celebrate Your Life Conference last weekend.  It’s A LOT to process, and I can’t even begin to explain how that experience resinated with me.  I will share more as the weeks go on, but I thought I would share first the one thing that hit me the fastest and the hardest…. and I even came up with it all on my own.

If you have spoken with me more than once, I’m sure you would have, at some point, heard me say “but you know, Idon’t trust people.”  Last Saturday, I realized I say that sentence at least once a day.  Whether it be not trusting because of the fear of being hurt, screwed over, or judged, I’ve been that way for many, many years.

We had to do an exercise in Sunny Dawn Johnston’s workshop, that to me was very personal in not only sitting very close with another person that we did not know, but we also had to allow them to touch us (no, not inappropriately), so we had to completely trust that person.  I won’t go to in depth, because I would love for everyone to try this one day.  But of course, my normal programs went off IMMEDIATELY upon hearing about the details of this exercise.  First thing that came to my head “What am I doing here? I can’t do this, I don’t trust people.”  Now, of course I did the exercise, because that’s the whole reason I attended this conference, to open myself up and learn new things.  And surprise, surprise my partner caused me no harm, not physically, emotionally, or mentally and WITHOUT judgement.  Really surprisingly however, was how I felt afterwards, aside from realizing I wasn’t harmed by trusting this person, I also felt this love, yes I said it love, from this person I had never in my life met before.

When I went home that night, after a few more workshops, I realized I had been what I had been working through that entire day.  It hit me then, that I literally say “well, you know, I don’t trust people” at least once a day, and in doing that I have actually planted the seed in my brain that I can’t trust people.  And worst of all, it has taken me at least 20 years to figure that out.

Now I will give myself credit and say that this year I really have stepped outside my little tiny box and said I was going to trust more, yet on only one occasion, and with only one person did I actually do that.  I will also be honest and say that with this particular person, I did somewhat end up getting hurt.  However, I also got back up and opened myself up more than I ever have with other people, in th meantime still telling myself and everyone around me daily that I don’t trust people.  I don’t believe in letting my walls down completely, and I’m pretty sure I never will.  However, in realizing that I began not trusting at a very young age because of people and experiences, I’m now at a point that I don’t trust, simply because I have engrained in my head that I CAN’T.  That’s a sad and lonely existence for anyone don’t you think?

Being the analyzer that I am, I have been looking at where else in my life this little seed planting has shown up.  How many negative things do we tell ourselves on a daily basis that causes us to truly believe we are a certain way, or that we have to be a certain way, when in fact, it’s not even true?  I’m not smart enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m not pretty enough, I could never do that, I could never be that….. Maybe some of these things have been told to us once or twice in life, but it is our own minds that truly make us believe it by repeating it every day.  What if every day, whether we felt it or not, we said “I am worthy” or “I am beautiful” or “I can be anything”?  If we end up believing our negative lies, why wouldn’t we be able to believe our positive truths?  It is up to US, ourselves to plant the seeds, and it is up to US to make sure they are positive seeds.

Ok, got just a little bit off track, so lets wrap this up with the trust thing.  For me personally, I have, in the past not trusted people for the following reasons:  Fear of being hurt by that person (physically or emotionally), fear of being screwed over by someone, and fear of being judged.

Fear of being hurt – some people are just going to hurt us right?  Whether intentionally or unintentionally.  It is up to me as to how I react or feel when someone hurts me.  Granted, if they hurt me physically, I can admit that I am not strong enough yet that I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t physically hurt them back.  However, being hurt emotionally is a way of life, and again it’s our reaction to that situation that makes it hurt.  No one can hurt us unless we allow them to.  The person that I said I trusted fully, and ended up being hurt by…  It took me a long time to realize it, but he didn’t hurt me, he never had any intention of hurting me, and when I look down deep in my soul, I know that hurting me is the last thing he would ever do.  It is how I chose to process that situation that made it “hurtful”.  And I have to say, that finally being at peace with that situation, and forgiving not only him, but myself is amazing, and hopefully one day we’ll be close friends again.

Fear of being screwed over – Sad to say, but there are just some bad people out there, and some of them are going to screw me over.  It is what it is, you can take everything away from me and I will still have myself and my family, so in reality I can’t be screwed over.  Isn’t it amazing what perception can do?

Fear of being judged (probably the worst for me) – well guess what, in the words of Wayne Dyer, “Your Opinion of me is none of my business.”  Truly, it isn’t.  I know the person that I am, and if you are judging me based on my appearance or something I say or do, then the fact is that you don’t know me, and that’s not my loss, so no it isn’t any of my business.  Also, on a side note to that “all judgments are self-judgments”.  Meaning, I am a mirror of you and you are a mirror of me, so the things you don’t like about me, are the things you don’t like about yourself, so one more time to plant the seed in my brain, and yours, “your opinion of me is none of my business.”

People are going to hurt us, people are going to screw us over, people are going to judge us.  The important thing is this… Don’t ever be the person to hurt someone else…. Don’t ever screw anyone over… Don’t judge another person…. that way when the one and only being that actually has the right to judge us, we’ll be in pretty good shape.