SHUT DOWN
I am blessed to have people in my life who ask me the difficult questions that I don’t want to answer. Even more blessed that they know I don’t want to answer, and push me through. Last night a friend of mine did just that, and I have been thinking about it ever since.
Last night was rough for me in Ministerial Duties class. I knew when I walked in I didn’t want to be there, and almost left during the first break. I hung out, and on break my friends Katherine and Cody spent some time with me and we just talked about some things, which of course is where the tough questions came in. Katherine has a way of reading me, and although I don’t often respond emotionally to things, she found my tell. She said that when I get emotional about things my chest and neck get red, something I never realized. We talked for a while, and although she pushed me a few times, I never answered her question of what I was feeling when a particular topic came up.
The truth is, I don’t know. I have spent much of my life blocking out the things that make me uncomfortable or unhappy. I blocked out most of my childhood for that reason. The challenge is that I have a strong desire to write a book to help others. I want to share my experiences so that others can learn from them. The bigger challenge is that I have blocked out many experiences, particularly the emotional part of those experiences. It’s interesting that this topic came up in our discussion last night, since I have been reflecting on this very subject for several days. I want to write a book, but where do I begin? How do I explain certain experiences, when I can’t bring myself back to those moments to re-experience them? I tend to approach them in a completely non-emotional way, they are things that happened and they are what they are. While I believe this is true, I also don’t believe that I can TRULY overcome these things if I don’t approach them on an emotional level. See my quandary?
It is really quite interesting when I think about it. I am an empath, so in reality I tend to be extremely emotional. The thing is that it is other people’s emotions that I am feeling… I don’t know how to feel my own emotions and I don’t know when that happened. When I truly think about it, I think I may have always been that way with certain things. I’m famous with those who know me best for “shutting down”. How can I heal, and how can I teach if I shut down. It frustrates me because I AM a healer, and maybe I am because I can be objective with other people’s issues, but how much better could I be if I could come to terms with my own emotions?
So hold on, it gets better. In class last night we were talking about how, as ministers, we will deal with domestic violence situations, suicide and sexual or physical abuse. These are all things I have experienced, and while I was uncomfortable in the beginning, I just continued to get more and more agitated throughout the class. I was anxious, agitated and aggravated and I just wanted to run, which I did by the way at 9:15. There were many factors in my desire to run, and on the surface it was because of all the energy in the room, and some peoples’ needs to be right and not open to others’ perspectives or feelings. When I think about it more though I believe that is my chicken exit. Some people use humor, I use shut down. I envision it as red lights flashing in my brain and sirens blaring with someone on a megaphone repeatedly yelling “SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN”. I have had the opportunity to see recently how often I really do that, and more importantly how it affects me.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t believe in being a victim to anything that I have experienced. But am I serving myself by not feeling anything at all? I don’t think I am at all, actually the more I think about it I believe it is a cop-out. However, I have been doing it for so long, the truth is that I don’t even know how to begin to learn how to feel or explain my emotions. If you ask me, I’ll always be fine. That’s not a very good way to work toward letting people in is it? More importantly, it certainly isn’t a very good way to explain my experiences and help other people.
So where do I begin then? The voice inside me says I must start at the beginning. I don’t know what the beginning is. Is it the moment that I was abruptly born and came sliding out of my mother onto the floor? Clearly I don’t remember that, but I have no doubt in my soul that it impacted my life. . . Or is this very moment the beginning? Is it this moment that I get to choose to feel what I feel and put it into words without self judgement and with out the fear that anyone else will judge me for those feelings?
How do you go from being that strong woman who, while empathetic, can’t feel any of her own feelings? How do you go from being completely NOT vulnerable to opening up and allowing others to support you and help you, and even sometimes carry you along some parts of your journey.
Well, I guess you start at the beginning. My truth is that the beginning is this very moment, this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. While I still have no idea how I would even begin to “feel” after all this time, I do know that I have some serious angels surrounding me, both on the spiritual level and those who were brought to me in physical form. I choose to believe they were brought to me for this very reason, to take hold of my beginning, to work backwards and to share my journey with anyone who wants to listen and who may benefit from it.
What I have discovered is that suppressing my emotions certainly hasn’t served me. Even though we tend to believe that numbness is feeling nothing, neither good or bad, truly numbness feels a lot like emptiness. I choose today to lean on those people who have stepped in my life to hold me up when I feel like I can’t stand on my own. This is not something I have ever done, nor wanted to do. But today, I realize that I need it, that they want that for me, and that I deserve it.
We were brought here to love and to receive love. By not allowing others to love us, we are taking something extremely miraculous away from not only ourselves, but from those people. We are ALL deserving of love, love of God, of Spirit, of the Universe, of nature, of everything…. because we ARE love. Each of us is love, deserving of love, and meant to share our love with others. We are doing everyone a dis-service if we aren’t allowing both.
That’s my story for today. I’m sure there will be more to come on this topic, as it is bound to be an interesting journey.
-Blessings
Ripples
I’d like to take the start of today’s post to recognize two ladies who have come into my life and changed it. Two ladies, who until recently I had never met in person. These two amazing, dynamic women are on a mission to change the world, and in doing so have absolutely changed MY world.
Through Facebook posts they have shared their vision. They are creating a film, and in doing so have truly created a movement, a movement that I am so proud to be a small part of. First I would see their posts about their film, then I would see posts about community outreach they were doing, then I would see other people getting involved, and then I got involved.
While I donate as often and as much as I can, it has become something so much more for me. I have always tried to give money and food to those less fortunate when I could, in the last few months it has magnified. For me it has turned into something so much different than just giving money when I can. As soon as I opened myself up to give more of MYSELF, more opportunities to share have come to me. It has really opened my eyes to how much I want to be able to give, and it has motivated me to work harder.
A couple of weeks ago I met two nice gentlemen as I was walking into Panda Express, and was beyond grateful that a gift given to me that VERY day allowed me to buy them dinner. Two days ago as I walked into Starbucks I saw a younger man sitting on the sidewalk holding a sign that he was hungry. I came out with my daily coffee, along with some hot chocolate and a sausage sandwich and sat with him for a few minutes as he ate. It has become something so more than “seeing someone standing on the side of the street”, it has become human beings, who are truly a part of me, in need. Being connected to each and every one of these people reminds me that THEY are human, and they don’t just need money and food, they need LOVE.
My goal with tonight’s post is beyond sharing what is in my heart. It is a reminder, that those people that you see standing on the corner are a part of you. They could easily be your brother or your sister, son or daughter, Father or Mother, the veteran that you thanked yesterday for protecting your freedom, they could easily be YOU. Maybe you aren’t in a position to give materially, I beg you not to forget to share yourself, your love, with other people.
I also invite you to check out this movement. You can learn more by visiting www.onetruelove.org or https://www.facebook.com/ONeTRUeLOVe.Movement You can also donate by visiting http://www.indiegogo.com/ONe-TRUe-LOVe-Documentary
Thank you Ann & Krysten for starting this movement!
A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime
I’ve always been a believer that people come into, and leave from our lives for a reason. Last year I posted a blog about the closing of a Chapter (click here to read). It really was a goodbye to my Group 46:10 family, a new season was starting.
By no means have any of my Group 46:10 family left my life. I’m quite grateful and blessed that I still get to see my boys often, and have an occasional lunch with my Group 46:10 kids. I learned so much from each of those people, and as I have said before, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt they impacted my life in ways I could never even describe. In January a new season started, and new reasons arose. New people came into my life, and some people I had to let go of. This is the natural order of life in my opinion. God brings different people into our lives at the times we need them. Sometimes those people are taken out of our lives, also for a reason.
I am very blessed, in that so many people have come into my life this year. While I already knew many of the people, some became more influential, some became closer friends, some became family. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would just like to take a moment to mention some of these “new” people. Some who I work with, some who I have met through school. All who have truly touched my life this year.
First and foremost, Mark McIntyre. You were thrown into a funky situation this year when your team dynamic changed and I offered up my services to you. You didn’t blink an eye, you made me a member of your team without me officially being a member of your team. You fully trust my abilities and more than anything have become so much more than a friend. I’m grateful that beyond support my schooling, that you have faith in my abilities as a Transaction Manager, that you had complete faith that I could take over Short Sale Negotiations, that you and I are so on the same page, that you actually enjoy hearing what I learned in class, that you took the time to come to my family birthday dinner this year, that you let me vent, and let me cry and mostly for our heart hugs. I love you, and am SO beyond grateful for you in so many ways.
Mr. Bob O, I am so grateful that you keep me so busy. I’m grateful that you prefer to talk on the phone rather than text, that you became an Apple junkie like 24 hours, that you share what you learn in iPad classes, that you trust in my abilities, that we laugh together ALOT, and that you know and accept that your transactions are going to be trouble…and that you hopefully know they are trouble because someone, somewhere knows you can handle it, and provide the absolute best customer service to your clients.
Josh Gaymen, I adore you! I’m grateful that we have had the opportunity to get to know each other, and that we are so like-minded. I’m grateful that you see the value in what I do, I’m grateful for your spirit, and I’m grateful that you are an amazing Dad and that your family comes first. Don’t ever let that change.
Jaci Mitchell, I’m grateful that we complete each other. No really we do, since you started we have finished each other’s sentences. Your attitude is amazing and I love you more than I thought I could. Pam, I’m grateful that you came to our office. I’m grateful for your smile and for allowing me to be a giant pain in the bum as often as I can. 
(It’s a two-way street after all). Amanda, I’m so beyond grateful for your attitude. You are always smiling and you light up a room. Mike Menefee, I’m grateful you finally gave in. Oskar J, I’m grateful you gave in too, but I think I’m more grateful for the hugs you give me every time you are in the office. Ms. Uzi, I’m grateful that you and I are so like-minded and that we’re going to run for office together.
A few people I have met in school…. Ann, Krysten and Jerica, you truly inspire me to be a better person. Billie, I’m so happy to have you as a partner in a few classes. I love chatting with you. Cody, I’m grateful for you for so many reasons. We don’t talk a lot, but you remind me of what it’s like to be young, most importantly your vulnerability and your spirit warm my heart. You have such an amazing soul I can’t even put it into words.
I’m not trying to leave people out. These are just some of the people who have entered into my life this season and who have already left a mark on my heart. I’m truly grateful for every single person in my life. I’m grateful still to Kevin & Fred for teaching me the short sale business, for helping me to grow as a person, for continuing to support me and praying for me when I need it most, and for loving me. I have said it before, I would where I am today if I hadn’t met you boys. To all of my other friends, who mean so much to me, I hope you know who you are. I’m beyond grateful for each and every one of you. My sisters, I can’t even go there, I believe you know how much you mean to me, and that I would be nothing without you both. And to the people who have left, or have been removed from my life this year…thank you for having been in my life, and helping me to learn the lessons that I needed to learn at the time.
We often remember to be grateful for the “things”. Things can be replaced, people can’t. Don’t ever take them for granted. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Thank you for your support, thank you for reading my blog.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong -doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life
To Parent From Child
Tonight when I came home from class I was looking for something I was hoping I had taken from my parents’ house that had been my mother’s. While I didn’t find what I was looking for, I did find an article that she had clipped out of a magazine many many years ago. I remember the day she did, it must have been 15-20 years ago, and I remember that she kept it by her bed. She made some underlines and some stars of the items that touched her most, and I truly believe she studied it. For that reason, I thought I would share, as every time I read it, I am touched. I am going to italicize everything she underlined, and there is one item that she circled so I’ll bold that one. That article in itself is a lesson, and I hope that it will touch someone in some way, or make them think differently. I think it also gives a small look into the type of parent she was.
MEMO
To: Parents
From: Child
1. Don’t spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have everything I ask for – I’m only testing you.
2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.
3. Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.
4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly “big”.
5. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
6. Don’t make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of value.
7. Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.
8. Don’t be too upset when I say “I hate you.” Sometimes it isn’t you I hate but your power to thwart me.
9. Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.
10. Don’t nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
11. Don’t forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I am not always accurate.
12. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.
13. Don’t be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
14. Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
15. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me to great a shock when I discover that you are neither.
16. Don’t ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you.
17. Don’t forget I love experimenting. I couldn’t get along without it, so please put up with it.
18. Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please do try.
19. Don’t forget that I don’t thrive without lots of love and understanding, but I don’t need to tell you, do I?
20. Please keep fit and healthy. I need you!
Author Unknown
I think we are in a time where parents work entirely too many hours and often compensate by giving their kids what they want or forget to communicate with them. There was a time in my life that I literally had only my sisters and my mother and absolutely nothing else. I have news for you, those were some of the best times of our lives.
It isn’t the gifts we buy our kids, or the video games, the ipods, the cell phones that we remember as we grow into adults. It’s the time we spent at the dinner table together, the lessons our parents taught us that we didn’t understand at the time, the time we look out into the audience or the stands and see our parent(s) rooting us on (NOT ON THEIR CELL PHONE), the hugs and kisses and the countless “I Love Yous”. They may not appreciate it now, but I can promise you they will when they grow up. It goes quickly, don’t waste it.
Blessings
Generally Speaking
It has been an interesting day, somewhat of an emotional roller coaster honestly. I’ve been very pensive about something and I have been trying to put it into words for some time now without judging or offending. It’s time to get it out of my mind, and just put it out there. So here goes…
Behind my hard exterior I am an extremely sensitive individual, often overly-sensitive. Granted I take a lot of things personally, I admit that, but what I’m talking about here goes beyond. I can’t really explain it, I’m extra sensitive to things that go on in our country and in our world. To hear how some people talk, and even to get on facebook often hurts my heart beyond explanation, its a true deep, physical pain that I could never make anyone understand.
That being said, today was one of those days. Everywhere I seemed to go I would hear how “the democrats are this” and the “republicans are that”. The “Occupy Wall Street Movement is this” and “the police trying to wrangle the crowds are that.” I see videos of peaceful protestors, who were given the right to to do so by our very own constitution, then I see trouble makers joining a movement for a reason to get rowdy or get on video. I’m not in a position to say what’s right, I don’t know enough about the movement. I only know that the constitution that we fight so hard to protect states that I have the right to peacefully assemble, as does my neighbor, regardless of their beliefs. Who am I to judge their beliefs? Yet so many people are out there making their judgments about these people, no jobs, druggies, this, that. To those people I say, mind your own business, don’t talk about what you don’t know. It goes back to Nutmeg, people jumping to conclusions about people they don’t even know.
Now don’t get confused, this post has absolutely nothing to do with Occupy Wallstreet. It has nothing to do with Democrats or Republicans, Muslims, Jews, Christians, African Americans, White People, Hispanics, Asians. It couldn’t possibly have something to do with any of those people, because I haven’t met every single person from any group. No one has, yet it has become so easy for us to generalize people by their religious beliefs, their political beliefs or their race, or their class, or their sexual preference.
I’m so tired of hearing that Muslims are terrorists, and that Hispanics are “illegals”. For the love of God, my bioligical father was born in Germany, his parents lived through the holocaust. Does that truly make it okay for me to hate Catholics because Hitler claimed to be one? Or assume that all Catholic people hate Jews, or generalize them in any other way? There is so much UNEDUCATED hatred out there. I’m an American, and I’m from New York and 9-11 touched me just like it touched everyone else, but could I possibly claim that Muslims are terrorists? Absolutely NOT, another UNEDUCATED generalization. Yes the terrorists claim to be Muslim, however, any group from any religion can become fanatical, and that’s where the danger comes in. If you want to talk crap and make generalizations, educate yourself. Learn what the Muslim faith is really about, don’t spout of the hate because you heard it from someone else. And this doesn’t just pertain to Muslims, it pertains to EVERYONE.
I am truly pained be the people that we have become. We fight wars overseas, yet we can’t even see that we’re fighting a war in our own land. It has become okay to discriminate against our neighbors, because they are of a certain religion or race or political persuasion. We have our own personal beliefs that we insist are right,and insist on forcing on other people…similar to what the very people we are fighting elsewhere have been accused of doing!
When does it stop? No, seriously when? Is it when every single person in this country has the same belief system? When every person is of the same political persuasion, when everyone is straight and has cycled enough to be all white with 2.3 kids? How many generations must your family have lived in this country to be considered an American? I know me, myself technically I’m first generation. Even on my mother’s side I’m second generation. Does that make me American enough?
I have no doubt I could go on for days about this. Today was rough in this area for me because there was a lot of it all around, and truly it’s simple generalizations….simple generalizations that make people hate other people without even knowing their name. I have cried on this for hours today, and I truly I was fighting with myself as to whether or not I would write about it. Then oddly, as I’m watching last night’s recorded episode of Harry’s Law, I realized I had to. What the show is about is irrelevant, but Kathy Bates’ character had a story, and it is so pertinent to where my heart is right now. She was talking about when she was a kid, and a father’s friend invited them to a country club and when they got there they were turned away because they were Jewish. Her father kept saying “this isn’t what America is supposed to be.” She went on to say “we’re becoming less and less inclusive every day. And it’s not what America is supposed to be.” I couldn’t have said it better. It isn’t what America is supposed to be, we’re supposed to be the Land of the Free…. where did I miss the small print that said we’re the land of the free as long as we are a certain color, or religion, or class, sexual orientation or political persuasion? Did I miss that somewhere, or are we just working on writing that in?
I watched the unveiling of the Martin Luther King Jr memorial dedication when it happened. I thought about him and his dream and his movement. I thought about what he was moving toward, and while he did make a difference, what I see more and more today, is that we have simply chosen other groups of people to discriminate against. Are we so bored with our own lives, or so miserable, or think we are so superior that we can’t be happy if we aren’t rounding people up into groups we don’t like and hating on them? Have we truly become so egotistical that we honestly believe that we are superior to someone else? And if you are a believer in a God, is that His teaching? I must have missed that somewhere too.
I have some sad news, unless we join together as HUMANS we will be the next country that other countries are hopping in their fighter jets to come and save because we are simply destroying ourselves. As a country we are self-destructing more and more every day, which by the way was the plan of the terrorists to begin with. When does it stop? When do we climb to the mountaintop TOGETHER?
“Love is the only truth”
Follow Me