SHUT DOWN
I am blessed to have people in my life who ask me the difficult questions that I don’t want to answer. Even more blessed that they know I don’t want to answer, and push me through. Last night a friend of mine did just that, and I have been thinking about it ever since.
Last night was rough for me in Ministerial Duties class. I knew when I walked in I didn’t want to be there, and almost left during the first break. I hung out, and on break my friends Katherine and Cody spent some time with me and we just talked about some things, which of course is where the tough questions came in. Katherine has a way of reading me, and although I don’t often respond emotionally to things, she found my tell. She said that when I get emotional about things my chest and neck get red, something I never realized. We talked for a while, and although she pushed me a few times, I never answered her question of what I was feeling when a particular topic came up.
The truth is, I don’t know. I have spent much of my life blocking out the things that make me uncomfortable or unhappy. I blocked out most of my childhood for that reason. The challenge is that I have a strong desire to write a book to help others. I want to share my experiences so that others can learn from them. The bigger challenge is that I have blocked out many experiences, particularly the emotional part of those experiences. It’s interesting that this topic came up in our discussion last night, since I have been reflecting on this very subject for several days. I want to write a book, but where do I begin? How do I explain certain experiences, when I can’t bring myself back to those moments to re-experience them? I tend to approach them in a completely non-emotional way, they are things that happened and they are what they are. While I believe this is true, I also don’t believe that I can TRULY overcome these things if I don’t approach them on an emotional level. See my quandary?
It is really quite interesting when I think about it. I am an empath, so in reality I tend to be extremely emotional. The thing is that it is other people’s emotions that I am feeling… I don’t know how to feel my own emotions and I don’t know when that happened. When I truly think about it, I think I may have always been that way with certain things. I’m famous with those who know me best for “shutting down”. How can I heal, and how can I teach if I shut down. It frustrates me because I AM a healer, and maybe I am because I can be objective with other people’s issues, but how much better could I be if I could come to terms with my own emotions?
So hold on, it gets better. In class last night we were talking about how, as ministers, we will deal with domestic violence situations, suicide and sexual or physical abuse. These are all things I have experienced, and while I was uncomfortable in the beginning, I just continued to get more and more agitated throughout the class. I was anxious, agitated and aggravated and I just wanted to run, which I did by the way at 9:15. There were many factors in my desire to run, and on the surface it was because of all the energy in the room, and some peoples’ needs to be right and not open to others’ perspectives or feelings. When I think about it more though I believe that is my chicken exit. Some people use humor, I use shut down. I envision it as red lights flashing in my brain and sirens blaring with someone on a megaphone repeatedly yelling “SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN”. I have had the opportunity to see recently how often I really do that, and more importantly how it affects me.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t believe in being a victim to anything that I have experienced. But am I serving myself by not feeling anything at all? I don’t think I am at all, actually the more I think about it I believe it is a cop-out. However, I have been doing it for so long, the truth is that I don’t even know how to begin to learn how to feel or explain my emotions. If you ask me, I’ll always be fine. That’s not a very good way to work toward letting people in is it? More importantly, it certainly isn’t a very good way to explain my experiences and help other people.
So where do I begin then? The voice inside me says I must start at the beginning. I don’t know what the beginning is. Is it the moment that I was abruptly born and came sliding out of my mother onto the floor? Clearly I don’t remember that, but I have no doubt in my soul that it impacted my life. . . Or is this very moment the beginning? Is it this moment that I get to choose to feel what I feel and put it into words without self judgement and with out the fear that anyone else will judge me for those feelings?
How do you go from being that strong woman who, while empathetic, can’t feel any of her own feelings? How do you go from being completely NOT vulnerable to opening up and allowing others to support you and help you, and even sometimes carry you along some parts of your journey.
Well, I guess you start at the beginning. My truth is that the beginning is this very moment, this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. While I still have no idea how I would even begin to “feel” after all this time, I do know that I have some serious angels surrounding me, both on the spiritual level and those who were brought to me in physical form. I choose to believe they were brought to me for this very reason, to take hold of my beginning, to work backwards and to share my journey with anyone who wants to listen and who may benefit from it.
What I have discovered is that suppressing my emotions certainly hasn’t served me. Even though we tend to believe that numbness is feeling nothing, neither good or bad, truly numbness feels a lot like emptiness. I choose today to lean on those people who have stepped in my life to hold me up when I feel like I can’t stand on my own. This is not something I have ever done, nor wanted to do. But today, I realize that I need it, that they want that for me, and that I deserve it.
We were brought here to love and to receive love. By not allowing others to love us, we are taking something extremely miraculous away from not only ourselves, but from those people. We are ALL deserving of love, love of God, of Spirit, of the Universe, of nature, of everything…. because we ARE love. Each of us is love, deserving of love, and meant to share our love with others. We are doing everyone a dis-service if we aren’t allowing both.
That’s my story for today. I’m sure there will be more to come on this topic, as it is bound to be an interesting journey.
-Blessings
Ripples
I’d like to take the start of today’s post to recognize two ladies who have come into my life and changed it. Two ladies, who until recently I had never met in person. These two amazing, dynamic women are on a mission to change the world, and in doing so have absolutely changed MY world.
Through Facebook posts they have shared their vision. They are creating a film, and in doing so have truly created a movement, a movement that I am so proud to be a small part of. First I would see their posts about their film, then I would see posts about community outreach they were doing, then I would see other people getting involved, and then I got involved.
While I donate as often and as much as I can, it has become something so much more for me. I have always tried to give money and food to those less fortunate when I could, in the last few months it has magnified. For me it has turned into something so much different than just giving money when I can. As soon as I opened myself up to give more of MYSELF, more opportunities to share have come to me. It has really opened my eyes to how much I want to be able to give, and it has motivated me to work harder.
A couple of weeks ago I met two nice gentlemen as I was walking into Panda Express, and was beyond grateful that a gift given to me that VERY day allowed me to buy them dinner. Two days ago as I walked into Starbucks I saw a younger man sitting on the sidewalk holding a sign that he was hungry. I came out with my daily coffee, along with some hot chocolate and a sausage sandwich and sat with him for a few minutes as he ate. It has become something so more than “seeing someone standing on the side of the street”, it has become human beings, who are truly a part of me, in need. Being connected to each and every one of these people reminds me that THEY are human, and they don’t just need money and food, they need LOVE.
My goal with tonight’s post is beyond sharing what is in my heart. It is a reminder, that those people that you see standing on the corner are a part of you. They could easily be your brother or your sister, son or daughter, Father or Mother, the veteran that you thanked yesterday for protecting your freedom, they could easily be YOU. Maybe you aren’t in a position to give materially, I beg you not to forget to share yourself, your love, with other people.
I also invite you to check out this movement. You can learn more by visiting www.onetruelove.org or https://www.facebook.com/ONeTRUeLOVe.Movement You can also donate by visiting http://www.indiegogo.com/ONe-TRUe-LOVe-Documentary
Thank you Ann & Krysten for starting this movement!
Generally Speaking
It has been an interesting day, somewhat of an emotional roller coaster honestly. I’ve been very pensive about something and I have been trying to put it into words for some time now without judging or offending. It’s time to get it out of my mind, and just put it out there. So here goes…
Behind my hard exterior I am an extremely sensitive individual, often overly-sensitive. Granted I take a lot of things personally, I admit that, but what I’m talking about here goes beyond. I can’t really explain it, I’m extra sensitive to things that go on in our country and in our world. To hear how some people talk, and even to get on facebook often hurts my heart beyond explanation, its a true deep, physical pain that I could never make anyone understand.
That being said, today was one of those days. Everywhere I seemed to go I would hear how “the democrats are this” and the “republicans are that”. The “Occupy Wall Street Movement is this” and “the police trying to wrangle the crowds are that.” I see videos of peaceful protestors, who were given the right to to do so by our very own constitution, then I see trouble makers joining a movement for a reason to get rowdy or get on video. I’m not in a position to say what’s right, I don’t know enough about the movement. I only know that the constitution that we fight so hard to protect states that I have the right to peacefully assemble, as does my neighbor, regardless of their beliefs. Who am I to judge their beliefs? Yet so many people are out there making their judgments about these people, no jobs, druggies, this, that. To those people I say, mind your own business, don’t talk about what you don’t know. It goes back to Nutmeg, people jumping to conclusions about people they don’t even know.
Now don’t get confused, this post has absolutely nothing to do with Occupy Wallstreet. It has nothing to do with Democrats or Republicans, Muslims, Jews, Christians, African Americans, White People, Hispanics, Asians. It couldn’t possibly have something to do with any of those people, because I haven’t met every single person from any group. No one has, yet it has become so easy for us to generalize people by their religious beliefs, their political beliefs or their race, or their class, or their sexual preference.
I’m so tired of hearing that Muslims are terrorists, and that Hispanics are “illegals”. For the love of God, my bioligical father was born in Germany, his parents lived through the holocaust. Does that truly make it okay for me to hate Catholics because Hitler claimed to be one? Or assume that all Catholic people hate Jews, or generalize them in any other way? There is so much UNEDUCATED hatred out there. I’m an American, and I’m from New York and 9-11 touched me just like it touched everyone else, but could I possibly claim that Muslims are terrorists? Absolutely NOT, another UNEDUCATED generalization. Yes the terrorists claim to be Muslim, however, any group from any religion can become fanatical, and that’s where the danger comes in. If you want to talk crap and make generalizations, educate yourself. Learn what the Muslim faith is really about, don’t spout of the hate because you heard it from someone else. And this doesn’t just pertain to Muslims, it pertains to EVERYONE.
I am truly pained be the people that we have become. We fight wars overseas, yet we can’t even see that we’re fighting a war in our own land. It has become okay to discriminate against our neighbors, because they are of a certain religion or race or political persuasion. We have our own personal beliefs that we insist are right,and insist on forcing on other people…similar to what the very people we are fighting elsewhere have been accused of doing!
When does it stop? No, seriously when? Is it when every single person in this country has the same belief system? When every person is of the same political persuasion, when everyone is straight and has cycled enough to be all white with 2.3 kids? How many generations must your family have lived in this country to be considered an American? I know me, myself technically I’m first generation. Even on my mother’s side I’m second generation. Does that make me American enough?
I have no doubt I could go on for days about this. Today was rough in this area for me because there was a lot of it all around, and truly it’s simple generalizations….simple generalizations that make people hate other people without even knowing their name. I have cried on this for hours today, and I truly I was fighting with myself as to whether or not I would write about it. Then oddly, as I’m watching last night’s recorded episode of Harry’s Law, I realized I had to. What the show is about is irrelevant, but Kathy Bates’ character had a story, and it is so pertinent to where my heart is right now. She was talking about when she was a kid, and a father’s friend invited them to a country club and when they got there they were turned away because they were Jewish. Her father kept saying “this isn’t what America is supposed to be.” She went on to say “we’re becoming less and less inclusive every day. And it’s not what America is supposed to be.” I couldn’t have said it better. It isn’t what America is supposed to be, we’re supposed to be the Land of the Free…. where did I miss the small print that said we’re the land of the free as long as we are a certain color, or religion, or class, sexual orientation or political persuasion? Did I miss that somewhere, or are we just working on writing that in?
I watched the unveiling of the Martin Luther King Jr memorial dedication when it happened. I thought about him and his dream and his movement. I thought about what he was moving toward, and while he did make a difference, what I see more and more today, is that we have simply chosen other groups of people to discriminate against. Are we so bored with our own lives, or so miserable, or think we are so superior that we can’t be happy if we aren’t rounding people up into groups we don’t like and hating on them? Have we truly become so egotistical that we honestly believe that we are superior to someone else? And if you are a believer in a God, is that His teaching? I must have missed that somewhere too.
I have some sad news, unless we join together as HUMANS we will be the next country that other countries are hopping in their fighter jets to come and save because we are simply destroying ourselves. As a country we are self-destructing more and more every day, which by the way was the plan of the terrorists to begin with. When does it stop? When do we climb to the mountaintop TOGETHER?
“Love is the only truth”
How Many Do You Have?
We all have them in our lives. Some more than others; some closer than others. The “friends” who are often negative, complaining or self-centered. Maybe they obsessively monopolize your time by discussing all of the terrible things that are going wrong in their life, or how every day is a bad day. The “friends” who constantly ask favors, or expect you to pick up the pieces of their broken day. Maybe they even insult you with subtle put-downs or cover you with guilt or make you feel self conscious. “Friends” who need endless financial, emotional or mental support, yet they provide little or no support for you. Often times they are not only not supportive, but outright insensitive to your needs for comfort or understanding during your own trials. These are the friends that I like to call Energy Suckers. We all have them in our lives to some extent, some people probably do a better job at keeping those people at arms-length than others.
If you have enough of these Energy Suckers in your life, there comes a point that it all comes to a head. You find that you are popping Benedryl or Nyquil to help you sleep, then when you finally sleep your night is over-ridden with nightmares, so even though you finally got some sleep you feel more tired than you did before. You notice that your personality has changed, and you become edgy and resentful. Your eyes start to twitch and you start stuttering your words. The small amount of stress you once had turns in to full-blown anxiety, and you begin to have uncontrollable panic attacks. Your physical, mental and emotional health becomes jeopardized and you know you must make a change.
Why do we keep these people in our lives? There are many reasons, we may feel trapped, or unworthy of better. We have a need for people to need us and we just want to help people. Maybe it’s a family member so you feel required to keep the relationship as it is. Maybe we feel that no one can help them the way we can. Maybe we just can’t handle the idea of losing that person from our lives, or we are scared to approach the person or people about the problem.
It comes down to this. The only thing we can do is take responsibility for the situation. By tolerating the negative behavior of others, you are condoning it. By taking the abuse, because it IS abuse, you are discounting your own self-worth, and we all deserve better than that. Making excuses for Energy Suckers or remaining silent just to get along with them is just people pleasing, and the sad news is that Energy Suckers cannot be pleased, no matter what you do or say. It’s time to make a decision, either cut the person out of your life, or at the very least set some boundaries.
Friendship is about positive give and take. We all benefit from someone else’s energy sometimes, that’s what friendships are about. However, when helping your friend is hurting you over and over you need to consider the importance of self-care. If you consistently feel anxious, depressed, unsatisfied or stressed after speaking or spending time with your friend, that’s a sign you need to act on your behalf to protect your peace. Feeling obligated to an unhealthy relationship is counterproductive to you and your goals in life.
I’ve often heard it said that we are the sum of our top 5 friends. We are almost always judged by the company we keep. By continuing on the path of surrounding ourselves with Energy Suckers, and losing ourselves, we are also being judged by who THOSE people are. We must really take a look and see if those people are a good representation of ourselves.
It really is a very hard thing to deal with. You try to tell yourself it will get better, or that they need you. I wonder why we so often discount our own needs, or how badly we may need someone else’s support in order to help a person, who doesn’t even seem to want to be helped.
It comes down to this, how well can we take care of someone else if we aren’t being taken care of ourselves? At one point or another we need to realize that by allowing the wrong people to suck our energy, we have nothing left to give to ourselves, which in turn means we have nothing to give to anyone else. The truth is, the “right” people, won’t constantly suck our energy, they will lift us up with their love and support.
The Worst Day . . . or is it?
“Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change. Because, if it does change, then it won’t have anything to complain about.”
I have been hearing those three words entirely too much lately. I feel like many little catch phrases utilized in our society now a days (don’t get me started on “fml”) are completely absurd and this one is near the top of the list.
Is it really the worst thing? I mean come on! “I got stuck in traffic for THREE hours today because of an accident, it was the worst day!” I’m using this one because it hits the closest to home for me, and INFURIATES me. How dare you tell me that you had the worst day because you were stuck in traffic. Let’s see, I’m sure for the people who were actually involved in the accident, it may have been the worst day. More than likely for the child who is being told that their mother won’t be coming home for dinner…or ever, it is the worst day ever. But for you, let’s be clear, it was an inconvenience. So while you’re sitting in traffic, pissy because there is nothing on the radio, and you aren’t moving faster than a snails pace, why not take a look up to the sky and say “thank you” because you weren’t involved in the accident. Maybe even a “please watch over the families of the people who lost someone in the accident 5 cars ahead of me” wouldn’t take up too much of your precious time in between phone calls to each and every person you know complaining to them how you are stuck in traffic.
Drastic and harsh, I know, but I’m pretty sure no one thinks about the words that come out of their mouths anymore. How about while you are updating your facebook about how you are having the worst day ever because your boss is an ass for yelling at you for being late to work, you take a moment to be grateful that you have a job. Or maybe while you are yelling at the person at the drive through and throwing your burger back at them because they put lettuce on your burger, you take 5 seconds to think about the millions of people not only in this country, but in this world, who won’t have anything to eat today, or maybe even this week. Oh wait, yeah, the worst day…your husband used up all the hot water this morning and you had to take a cold shower…isn’t that the WORST? How about sucking it up, and being grateful that you don’t have to bathe in toxic filth filled water with hundreds of other people, that by the way is the same body of water you drink from.
There are people in this world who have lost a loved one, who have no job or food to eat, who are dying of deadly diseases who still won’t say they are having the worst day, and yet there are still those who insist that their little inconveniences are the worst thing ever. Guess what buddy, there is ALWAYS someone who is worse off than you, you can either to complain about it or you can do your part and change it.
Somewhere along the line we have forgotten that our words have meaning, and to be quite frank, as of late the meaning of the words I hear has been that of sheer ungratefulness and disrespect. And yet we wonder why our children are rude, bullying and ungrateful?
There are people dying every second, soldiers fighting for our country, dying every day. Children killing themselves because they are being bullied, Cancer, AIDS, Heart Disease, Poverty, Rape, Murder, the list goes on and on and on and on. How can anyone be so vain to say their inconvenience is the worst thing that can happen?
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
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