Behind Blue Eyes
It’s funny, people often say that my best physical feature are my eyes. Beautiful blue eyes, which change with my mood. Often a crystal blue when I’m happy, or a deep blue when I’m serious, dark gray when I’m angry, bright shiny aqua blue when I cry. It’s ironic really that I got these beautiful blue eyes from a very ugly person. It should also be known that these beautiful blue eyes came with a price, I also inherited the legal blindness that came with them. Yep, without my contacts I am legally blind (My vision is 20/2600, while normal is 20/20), have been since I was four years old. Since I was a child I waited for the day that I completely lost my vision. I used to walk around the house with my eyes closed so I could learn my way, the honest truth is I still do that. The benefit? Well I can walk around in the dark and not bump in to things, that comes in handy for midnight bathroom trips. This is where my topic today begins, with one small lesson. Things aren’t always what they seem….people aren’t always who they seem. We may look at someone and see beauty…while they look at themselves and see something very ugly.
I often say, and think that no one truly knows who I am. This is something that I often struggle with. I have always done a very good job of being the person I thought other people wanted me to be. So here’s the question, whose “fault” is it that no one really knows the true me, is it theirs for not trying or mine for hiding my true self? It’s taken me a long time, but I’m going to take the blame for this one. While it’s not really about shame or blame, it is about acknowledging that I have put myself in this place, and it is up to me to change it if that is what I truly want.
Like many people, I have experienced some really messed up stuff in my life, both self-inflicted and inflicted by others. While I always swore I would never be held down by those experiences, the more I look at myself, the more I see that in a way I have been. See here’s the truth, while I’m not my past, my past did form who I am today. In all honesty, aside from losing my mother, I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it has made me who I am. (I also know that losing my mother has made me who I am, however, that one I would change) But really, all the other terrible stuff, a really messed up childhood, a really messed up relationship, a miscarriage, doing some really really stupid things, I wouldn’t change them. I learned from those things, those experiences completely molded the person that I am. Part of that, was making me “hard” as people like to say, some say strong, others say… well it doesn’t really matter. The truth is, somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was. I started to hide myself, with clothes, with food, with anger, with my intelligence, with the masks that I have chosen to wear, and while I like to say that no one knows me, maybe I don’t know myself. I think we all wear masks on some level, whether it be because we’re afraid of being judged, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of being hurt…I think all of those things pertain to me, but I’m also aware all of those statements begin with fear.
So here’s my project. Going to school is a great vehicle to begin looking inside of myself and really learning who I am. In the spirit of sharing with people who I am, I’m going to begin sharing those insights with you. My friends, my aquaintances, strangers, whoever decides to take the time to read this. I’m going to put it all out there, understanding the risk of being judged and being vulnerable, and further understanding that if someone chooses to judge me that’s on them. While I feel like this project is part of my journey, I also feel like some of the experiences I have had in life may be similar to other peoples’ experiences, which means maybe in some way my experiences can help someone.
Rather than write a book tonight, I’m going to wrap up by saying this. You may look at someone and see their beautiful eyes or their warm smile, or hear their hearty laugh, are you willing to look behind what you see and hear and see the person for what they really are? Their pain, and their anger, and their demons and most importantly, are you able to love them through it. In fact, as humans, isn’t that all we’re looking for? Unconditional love.
Blessings
HH
The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.
The key to change… is to let go of fear
I think its natural to have a fear of change, I’m pretty sure every person has experienced it at least once in life.
In my last post I had mentioned that I have been re-evaluating my life and that I felt it was time to stop waiting for life to happen. Well I have taken the first step. I have officially given my notice at my job in order to start my own business. While it was something that I was waiting for until I had the amount of money I felt like I needed as a cushion, I also felt like I would never have that money. Not that the money wouldn’t come to me, but you know, you save money, then something in the car or house breaks and the money is gone. Its like people who say they want kids but they are waiting until the right time…Its waiting until the right time that forces life to pass you by.
I realize that while I have overcome a lot of things in life, but I have also allowed fear to stop me from doing a lot.
Starting my own Transaction Management business is something that I have been wanting to do for several years, but I had been waiting for the right time. Well I have made the right time today. I know that I am good at what I do, and I know I will be successful. Sure there may be a few months that I will struggle, but the truth is I will most likely be very successful. Even if I’m not, at least I’ll know that I tried.
The more I think about it, the more I things I think about that fears stop us from doing. Changing jobs, starting businesses for fear of failure, those are common. Then there are those of us who never tell the person we love that we love them because we are afraid they won’t feel the same way. We are hesitant to start a relationship because we are afraid it will fail or that we will lose the friendship we have with that person. We don’t buy a house because we are afraid we won’t be able to afford it. We put of having children because we think maybe we can’t afford it, or that we won’t be good enough parent.
But maybe it isn’t always about the fear of failure or the fear that we can’t afford something, or that we aren’t good enough. Maybe we have other fears, the fear that our new business will actually be successful. The fear that we don’t deserve that success,or that we don’t deserve that new house, or worse that we don’t deserve the unconditional love of a relationship or a child.
Here’s the thing, if we don’t overcome those fears, there can be no change, and without change there can be now growth. The sad truth is but not telling the people we love that we love them, or taking a chance on that relationship, or new job or having that child we always wanted we miss the moment, a moment we most likely will never get back.
In the last year I have told someone I was in love with them…and no they didn’t feel the same way… but I’m still here, I survived. I held a baby for the first time since I miscarried 13 years ago, something I refused to do in the past because I was afraid I couldn’t handle it. I left a job with people that I adored to take less money, I now gave my notice to start my own business. I’ve said things to people that I was afraid would make them hate me, but they didn’t because they knew where my heart was. Sure the fear is still there, its something that will always be in the back of our heads, it just a part of life. But the truth is that fear is nothing but an illusion, even an excuse not to challenge ourselves. We get comfortable where we are and every change scares us. Changes and choices we make may hurt more than others. However, those choices and changes, and overcoming fears are growth, regardless of the outcome. If we aren’t growing, can we even say that we are living?
If I have learned nothing else this week, I have learned that life is entirely to short to wait for great things to come to us, life is too short to not take the risk to make a change, or to say the things we are afraid to say. Tomorrow is NOT promised, we have all heard that, we all know it logically. Sadly though, it sometimes takes the loss of a friend to really remind us and make us understand it. While I can say I don’t have any words left unsaid with the people I care about, I know I have a lot of changes to make to fulfill my dreams.
What fears are you willing to overcome to have the life you deserve? What change are you willing to make to ensure that life doesn’t just pass you by? What words that need to be said are you willing to say before you never get a chance to say them?
My regret is that it took the loss of an amazing man this week to remind me of these things that I already knew. Rest in Peace David Horton.
Another Chapter Ending
Well, another year and another of chapter of my life is coming to an end.
After much thought and contemplation I chose to give my notice on Tuesday, and December 30th will be the last day of my job. I have to use the word “job” very lightly, because for the past 2 1/2 years it has been so much more than a job for me.
Almost three years ago, I met two very amazing young men who had a vision. They, and their vision changed my life. I hate to use the word “job” to describe this experience that I have had, because it has been just that, an experience. Sure, it paid the bills, but in reality it did so much more than that for me. For the first time in a very long time I felt like I was doing something important, helping two men start their business, and helping people out of some very hard situations in having to short sell their home. Then they became my family, they became my brothers. Then we grew, and my family grew. I have had the privilege to share a large percentage of my life for the past 2 1/2 years with the most amazing people. Kevin and Fred have had an indescribable impact on my life and the only thing I can say is that I love them more than I thought I could. But its not just Kevin and Fred, but the people who joined us throughout the years.
Brian was my baby brother, and watching him grow in his music career has made me beyond proud. Jamie, well, Jamie is my mini me, and I love her more and more every day. Stephanie had the opportunity to start her career in the field she loves and she surprises me daily. Andrew, though he has moved on to other things, is wise beyond his years and I miss our philosophical discussions. Every one on our sales team stepped out of their comfort zone and excelled, and I’m so proud. Keith and Angie, who became my brother and sister in-law. David was, is and always will be my sunshine. And though I have said it before, I will forever wish God made more people like him.
Then there are the other people in the Keller Williams Arizona Realty office, who although not on my team have had an amazing impact on my life. Steph, who has often been my sounding board. Kathie B. who I share a great spiritual bond with. Kathy C, who lights up my day as soon as I see her absolutely amazing smile. Bob S. who takes my breath away every time I see his beautiful blue eyes. Mac, who I have had some amazing conversations with, and who is one of the few people I am on the same level with spiritually and politically. Jessica, who is freakin amazing, and a blast to be with, and who I have so much in common with. Betty, who shares my love of baking. Bret, who chose to push through and make it in Real Estate. Eliot, who allows me to call him out on all his silliness and even appreciates it. Ted, who brings me back to the east coast every time he opens his mouth. Derrik, who gets me, and is one of the only people in the world who not only sees through me, but calls me out on my crap when few other people aren’t afraid to do that. Cameron, who has unknowingly taught me to let down my guard, who has quickly become one of my closest friends and who never fails to make me laugh. I could never every express to each and every one of you how much I absolutely LOVE and appreciate you. And everyone else in that office, who I have built amazing bonds with, which I will never let go of.
I am truly blessed. Blessed by the things that I have learned, by the people who have come into my life, and by the experiences I have had.
While I thought I would be there forever, and while it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my adult life, I do know that it is just the end of another chapter, and that a new one is about to begin.
This is a bitter-sweet time, filled with sadness, anxiety, stress, excitement, joy and anticipation of what is next.
This book I call my life has been everything from scary to fun, happy to sad, tragic to comedic, and aside from the loss of my mother, I wouldn’t take any of it back. I am who I am because of, the experiences and the “mistakes”, the people who have come and gone, and each and every one of the chapters. As I turn the page on this on this one, I can only pray that I have had just a little impact on the lives of all of the people who have so deeply touched and impacted me.
But I Don’t Trust Anyone. . .
For the last week I have been processing my experience at the Celebrate Your Life Conference last weekend. It’s A LOT to process, and I can’t even begin to explain how that experience resinated with me. I will share more as the weeks go on, but I thought I would share first the one thing that hit me the fastest and the hardest…. and I even came up with it all on my own. 
If you have spoken with me more than once, I’m sure you would have, at some point, heard me say “but you know, I
don’t trust people.” Last Saturday, I realized I say that sentence at least once a day. Whether it be not trusting because of the fear of being hurt, screwed over, or judged, I’ve been that way for many, many years.
We had to do an exercise in Sunny Dawn Johnston’s workshop, that to me was very personal in not only sitting very close with another person that we did not know, but we also had to allow them to touch us (no, not inappropriately), so we had to completely trust that person. I won’t go to in depth, because I would love for everyone to try this one day. But of course, my normal programs went off IMMEDIATELY upon hearing about the details of this exercise. First thing that came to my head “What am I doing here? I can’t do this, I don’t trust people.” Now, of course I did the exercise, because that’s the whole reason I attended this conference, to open myself up and learn new things. And surprise, surprise my partner caused me no harm, not physically, emotionally, or mentally and WITHOUT judgement. Really surprisingly however, was how I felt afterwards, aside from realizing I wasn’t harmed by trusting this person, I also felt this love, yes I said it love, from this person I had never in my life met before.
When I went home that night, after a few more workshops, I realized I had been what I had been working through that entire day. It hit me then, that I literally say “well, you know, I don’t trust people” at least once a day, and in doing that I have actually planted the seed in my brain that I can’t trust people. And worst of all, it has taken me at least 20 years to figure that out.
Now I will give myself credit and say that this year I really have stepped outside my little tiny box and said I was going to trust more, yet on only one occasion, and with only one person did I actually do that. I will also be honest and say that with this particular person, I did somewhat end up getting hurt. However, I also got back up and opened myself up more than I ever have with other people, in th meantime still telling myself and everyone around me daily that I don’t trust people. I don’t believe in letting my walls down completely, and I’m pretty sure I never will. However, in realizing that I began not trusting at a very young age because of people and experiences, I’m now at a point that I don’t trust, simply because I have engrained in my head that I CAN’T. That’s a sad and lonely existence for anyone don’t you think?
Being the analyzer that I am, I have been looking at where else in my life this little seed planting has shown up. How many negative things do we tell ourselves on a daily basis that causes us to truly believe we are a certain way, or that we have to be a certain way, when in fact, it’s not even true? I’m not smart enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m not pretty enough, I could never do that, I could never be that….. Maybe some of these things have been told to us once or twice in life, but it is our own minds that truly make us believe it by repeating it every day. What if every day, whether we felt it or not, we said “I am worthy” or “I am beautiful” or “I can be anything”? If we end up believing our negative lies, why wouldn’t we be able to believe our positive truths? It is up to US, ourselves to plant the seeds, and it is up to US to make sure they are positive seeds.
Ok, got just a little bit off track, so lets wrap this up with the trust thing. For me personally, I have, in the past not trusted people for the following reasons: Fear of being hurt by that person (physically or emotionally), fear of being screwed over by someone, and fear of being judged.
Fear of being hurt – some people are just going to hurt us right? Whether intentionally or unintentionally. It is up to me as to how I react or feel when someone hurts me. Granted, if they hurt me physically, I can admit that I am not strong enough yet that I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t physically hurt them back. However, being hurt emotionally is a way of life, and again it’s our reaction to that situation that makes it hurt. No one can hurt us unless we allow them to. The person that I said I trusted fully, and ended up being hurt by… It took me a long time to realize it, but he didn’t hurt me, he never had any intention of hurting me, and when I look down deep in my soul, I know that hurting me is the last thing he would ever do. It is how I chose to process that situation that made it “hurtful”. And I have to say, that finally being at peace with that situation, and forgiving not only him, but myself is amazing, and hopefully one day we’ll be close friends again.
Fear of being screwed over – Sad to say, but there are just some bad people out there, and some of them are going to screw me over. It is what it is, you can take everything away from me and I will still have myself and my family, so in reality I can’t be screwed over. Isn’t it amazing what perception can do?
Fear of being judged (probably the worst for me) – well guess what, in the words of Wayne Dyer, “Your Opinion of me is none of my business.” Truly, it isn’t. I know the person that I am, and if you are judging me based on my appearance or something I say or do, then the fact is that you don’t know me, and that’s not my loss, so no it isn’t any of my business. Also, on a side note to that “all judgments are self-judgments”. Meaning, I am a mirror of you and you are a mirror of me, so the things you don’t like about me, are the things you don’t like about yourself, so one more time to plant the seed in my brain, and yours, “your opinion of me is none of my business.”
People are going to hurt us, people are going to screw us over, people are going to judge us. The important thing is this… Don’t ever be the person to hurt someone else…. Don’t ever screw anyone over… Don’t judge another person…. that way when the one and only being that actually has the right to judge us, we’ll be in pretty good shape.
Ice Queen
Definition: n. A Cold and Haughty Woman
I have actually been called an Ice Queen on several occasions, something that I have often thought to be kind of funny. I have been thinking about it more and more lately, and it has gone from funny to maybe slightly annoying, because it shows me how many people actually don’t know ME at all.
The reason I say this, is because although I do sometimes come off as “cold”, the fact is that I am a very warm person. To the people in my life, I would do anything for, often to a fault since I so often put others needs before my own.
I was having a conversation the other day with a co-worker of mine. I was explaining to her that I decide within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether or not I’m going to be in relationship with someone. Now let me explain, because I know that comes off completely wrong. Number one, I read peoples’ eyes, I truly believe you can tell everything about a person just by looking into their eyes. The eyes really are the windows to the soul, at least that’s something I have always believed. Number two, I go with my gut, or my intuition. I know there are many people who think intuition like that doesn’t exist or is evil… that’s okay, but the fact is that I trust my intuition, and sometimes I just get a bad vibe from someone. When that happens, I trust it. (I have learned from several experiences what happens when I don’t trust that feeling.) Number three, if I don’t get a good vibe from you, I’m not going to pretend to be your friend. I think that’s part of where the Ice Queen comes from, I’m not fake, I refuse to pretend to like someone when I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be rude, I will always be respectful, but I’m not going to smile in your face and give you a false sense that I want to be your friend.
So where does the rest of the “Ice Queen” label come from? Well, I would say, aside from me refusing to be fake, there are three more components that lead into it. I don’t hold my tongue. If I have something to say, and it’s something I feel needs to be heard, I’m going to say it. I’m from New York, I’m passionate, and I’m loud, and I sometimes get in your face. Never for no reason, usually it’s because I’m standing up for another person, or something I believe in. Not to say I won’t hear your point of view, but I am going to share mine. Next, I would assume that my lack of trust in people, or maybe better put, my lack of faith in people cause me to have a wall up. I rarely show emotion about anything…. to anyone else, although the fact is I’m a rather emotional person. Just because I don’t let you see me cry doesn’t mean I have no feelings. Finally, I would say that my Ice Queen label comes from the loss of my Mother. I tend to keep people at arms length, because I know first-hand how much it hurts to lose someone who is so close to my heart.
Now here’s the thing. I know who I really am, and the kind of person I am, and how I love the people that I do let in. Although the “Ice Queen” label irks me at times, this is what I know…. If you have gotten past my initial eye and intuition tests, you’re in good shape. If I can honestly say I love you as a person, you’re someone who will be in my heart forever. For the people I love, I would do anything for, ANYTHING.
Why I’m writing this, I do not really know, except I’m tired of the label, but it is what it is. I know that the people who love me, know the person that I really I am. Those who have taken the time to get what I stand for, and respect me, whether they agree with me or not, those are the people I WANT in my life. If there are people who think that I’m an Ice Queen, I know that they really don’t know me, and that’s ok…. But you don’t know what you’r missing.
Let’s wrap this book up, shall we? We all have walls up to a certain extent. We all wear masks, we show only certain sides of ourselves to certain people, and sometimes, some of us are just the person we think others want us to be. Sometimes though, we need to take a few layers of the wall down, maybe one block at a time. Sometimes we need to have faith that people won’t hurt us, or that they won’t leave us, and the faith that even just one person will want to help us take that wall down, and see through to the real us.
We know what we are risking by not letting in the WRONG people…..but what are we risking by not letting in the RIGHT people?
Follow Me