SHUT DOWN
I am blessed to have people in my life who ask me the difficult questions that I don’t want to answer. Even more blessed that they know I don’t want to answer, and push me through. Last night a friend of mine did just that, and I have been thinking about it ever since.
Last night was rough for me in Ministerial Duties class. I knew when I walked in I didn’t want to be there, and almost left during the first break. I hung out, and on break my friends Katherine and Cody spent some time with me and we just talked about some things, which of course is where the tough questions came in. Katherine has a way of reading me, and although I don’t often respond emotionally to things, she found my tell. She said that when I get emotional about things my chest and neck get red, something I never realized. We talked for a while, and although she pushed me a few times, I never answered her question of what I was feeling when a particular topic came up.
The truth is, I don’t know. I have spent much of my life blocking out the things that make me uncomfortable or unhappy. I blocked out most of my childhood for that reason. The challenge is that I have a strong desire to write a book to help others. I want to share my experiences so that others can learn from them. The bigger challenge is that I have blocked out many experiences, particularly the emotional part of those experiences. It’s interesting that this topic came up in our discussion last night, since I have been reflecting on this very subject for several days. I want to write a book, but where do I begin? How do I explain certain experiences, when I can’t bring myself back to those moments to re-experience them? I tend to approach them in a completely non-emotional way, they are things that happened and they are what they are. While I believe this is true, I also don’t believe that I can TRULY overcome these things if I don’t approach them on an emotional level. See my quandary?
It is really quite interesting when I think about it. I am an empath, so in reality I tend to be extremely emotional. The thing is that it is other people’s emotions that I am feeling… I don’t know how to feel my own emotions and I don’t know when that happened. When I truly think about it, I think I may have always been that way with certain things. I’m famous with those who know me best for “shutting down”. How can I heal, and how can I teach if I shut down. It frustrates me because I AM a healer, and maybe I am because I can be objective with other people’s issues, but how much better could I be if I could come to terms with my own emotions?
So hold on, it gets better. In class last night we were talking about how, as ministers, we will deal with domestic violence situations, suicide and sexual or physical abuse. These are all things I have experienced, and while I was uncomfortable in the beginning, I just continued to get more and more agitated throughout the class. I was anxious, agitated and aggravated and I just wanted to run, which I did by the way at 9:15. There were many factors in my desire to run, and on the surface it was because of all the energy in the room, and some peoples’ needs to be right and not open to others’ perspectives or feelings. When I think about it more though I believe that is my chicken exit. Some people use humor, I use shut down. I envision it as red lights flashing in my brain and sirens blaring with someone on a megaphone repeatedly yelling “SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN”. I have had the opportunity to see recently how often I really do that, and more importantly how it affects me.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I don’t believe in being a victim to anything that I have experienced. But am I serving myself by not feeling anything at all? I don’t think I am at all, actually the more I think about it I believe it is a cop-out. However, I have been doing it for so long, the truth is that I don’t even know how to begin to learn how to feel or explain my emotions. If you ask me, I’ll always be fine. That’s not a very good way to work toward letting people in is it? More importantly, it certainly isn’t a very good way to explain my experiences and help other people.
So where do I begin then? The voice inside me says I must start at the beginning. I don’t know what the beginning is. Is it the moment that I was abruptly born and came sliding out of my mother onto the floor? Clearly I don’t remember that, but I have no doubt in my soul that it impacted my life. . . Or is this very moment the beginning? Is it this moment that I get to choose to feel what I feel and put it into words without self judgement and with out the fear that anyone else will judge me for those feelings?
How do you go from being that strong woman who, while empathetic, can’t feel any of her own feelings? How do you go from being completely NOT vulnerable to opening up and allowing others to support you and help you, and even sometimes carry you along some parts of your journey.
Well, I guess you start at the beginning. My truth is that the beginning is this very moment, this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. While I still have no idea how I would even begin to “feel” after all this time, I do know that I have some serious angels surrounding me, both on the spiritual level and those who were brought to me in physical form. I choose to believe they were brought to me for this very reason, to take hold of my beginning, to work backwards and to share my journey with anyone who wants to listen and who may benefit from it.
What I have discovered is that suppressing my emotions certainly hasn’t served me. Even though we tend to believe that numbness is feeling nothing, neither good or bad, truly numbness feels a lot like emptiness. I choose today to lean on those people who have stepped in my life to hold me up when I feel like I can’t stand on my own. This is not something I have ever done, nor wanted to do. But today, I realize that I need it, that they want that for me, and that I deserve it.
We were brought here to love and to receive love. By not allowing others to love us, we are taking something extremely miraculous away from not only ourselves, but from those people. We are ALL deserving of love, love of God, of Spirit, of the Universe, of nature, of everything…. because we ARE love. Each of us is love, deserving of love, and meant to share our love with others. We are doing everyone a dis-service if we aren’t allowing both.
That’s my story for today. I’m sure there will be more to come on this topic, as it is bound to be an interesting journey.
-Blessings
Ripples
I’d like to take the start of today’s post to recognize two ladies who have come into my life and changed it. Two ladies, who until recently I had never met in person. These two amazing, dynamic women are on a mission to change the world, and in doing so have absolutely changed MY world.
Through Facebook posts they have shared their vision. They are creating a film, and in doing so have truly created a movement, a movement that I am so proud to be a small part of. First I would see their posts about their film, then I would see posts about community outreach they were doing, then I would see other people getting involved, and then I got involved.
While I donate as often and as much as I can, it has become something so much more for me. I have always tried to give money and food to those less fortunate when I could, in the last few months it has magnified. For me it has turned into something so much different than just giving money when I can. As soon as I opened myself up to give more of MYSELF, more opportunities to share have come to me. It has really opened my eyes to how much I want to be able to give, and it has motivated me to work harder.
A couple of weeks ago I met two nice gentlemen as I was walking into Panda Express, and was beyond grateful that a gift given to me that VERY day allowed me to buy them dinner. Two days ago as I walked into Starbucks I saw a younger man sitting on the sidewalk holding a sign that he was hungry. I came out with my daily coffee, along with some hot chocolate and a sausage sandwich and sat with him for a few minutes as he ate. It has become something so more than “seeing someone standing on the side of the street”, it has become human beings, who are truly a part of me, in need. Being connected to each and every one of these people reminds me that THEY are human, and they don’t just need money and food, they need LOVE.
My goal with tonight’s post is beyond sharing what is in my heart. It is a reminder, that those people that you see standing on the corner are a part of you. They could easily be your brother or your sister, son or daughter, Father or Mother, the veteran that you thanked yesterday for protecting your freedom, they could easily be YOU. Maybe you aren’t in a position to give materially, I beg you not to forget to share yourself, your love, with other people.
I also invite you to check out this movement. You can learn more by visiting www.onetruelove.org or https://www.facebook.com/ONeTRUeLOVe.Movement You can also donate by visiting http://www.indiegogo.com/ONe-TRUe-LOVe-Documentary
Thank you Ann & Krysten for starting this movement!
I hope you didn’t count me out just yet, because yes I am back once again. It’s been 5 or 6 months since you have heard from me, so let me give you a brief summary of what has been going on.
This year has been a huge journey from me, from starting a new job to leaving a new job to starting my own business and starting back in school. It truly has been a year of learning experiences for me, and in all honesty I’m just in a completely different place than I have been. . . and I’m loving the ride.
I went to Oregon on September, because I’m very drawn there and would one day like to move there. As I laid on the massage table at our hotel (I bought myself a birthday massage, hey I earned it!) the light came on in my head that it was time to go back to school. I started at SWIHA last year, but was unable to really commit due to my job and my own commitment level, and clearly my inability to find balance. Truly a big part of why I left my job last year was because I was trying to get to this place of finding my purpose and following that path through school. At the beginning of this year I think I just got caught up in trying to survive I lost sight of that, but it hit me smack in the forehead as I was on that massage table. So, the first thing I did when I came home from Oregon? Re-register for school! I run my own business, make my own hours, choose my clients, really what better time?
Making the decision to go back to school really forced me to decide what was important to me, and I tell you what, it isn’t “stuff”. While I have never considered myself a materialistic person, I have been blessed for many years to make very comfortable money. When I decided to start my own business I really didn’t have that cushion I would have liked to and just dove in. That decision has forced me to live a simpler life, which in fact is what I have been trying to do for years. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge! So here I am running my business and going to school full time. My focus has been taken away from building a mega-business and put on living a purposeful life. I am making less money now than I have probably in 15 years and I am happier than I have ever been. Yes I said it, I am starting to be filled by a sense of peace that I haven’t been able to find…ever. I choose my clients, knowing by doing so I am limiting my income, but expanding that peace, I say that is a FAIR trade. I have an extremely small clientele, each and every one I consider a friend, who are supporting me through this journey, and who are rooting me on from the sidelines, and I am truly blessed by that.
So, I could go on for days, I have so much to share, so many light bulbs that have been turned on on my head. On Monday at school I had a classmate tell me that I am supposed to share my voice, THAT is why I’m back. Not only to share with you, whoever decides to read this, the things that I have learned and experienced, but also to reflect on these things myself.
Since my Mom passed away almost 7 years ago, I have said that I want to share her legacy. The classmate I mentioned above said to me not too long ago, that I also have my own legacy to share. So, my hope is that just one of my blogs, maybe 5 of my words will have an effect on someone’s life.
I would also like to take a moment to thank some people, who truly have been beyond supportive in the many changes that I have been going through the past few months. My sisters, first and foremost for just being supportive and constantly reminding me that they are here for me. My dad, well just for being my Dad. Mac, I don’t have words for you. For renting me a desk in your office for free, for being a great client, for being a great partner, for my heart hugs, for listening to me share what I learned in class, and for just being you! Cameron, my best friend who has kindly dealt with my attitude shifts (nice way of wording that huh?) Our relationship is going through some changes, but you will always be my bestie. Josh G, I’m so glad I finally talked you into utilizing my services. We don’t see each other often, but you have a great energy, and I’m proud to be in business with you. There really are too many people to thank, wow! David B, my Teddy Baird, I just love you. Kevin & Fred, I’m not on your team anymore, and I don’t get to see you much, but I continue to be blessed by both of you, and I can’t thank you enough for being there when I have truly needed you. To EVERYONE in my life, who is witnessing my journey and not telling me that I will hate Oregon, or that I’m crazy, or any of the other negative crap I have heard over the last year…thank you and that’s why you are still in my life. 
I have no time for negativity, and quite frankly, neither should any of you.
Life is short, live much and love often. Remember life isn’t about the things.
An Amazing Person Could Walk Right In….and Out of Your Life
Well, it’s been way too long since I have posted, so I’m back!
A very, very good friend of mine said something to me last night that resonated with me, and I though I would take some time to write about it.
In talking about relationships, he said to me. “Let go of your fears and have an open mind and heart, and see what walks into your life. It could be something amazing.” I have been stewing on this statement for almost 24 hours now and wasn’t really sure where to go with it.
I believe that when we are young, and meet our “first love” none of this is an issue. It is after we have been hurt by our first relationship that we have to be reminded to let go of our fears and open our hearts. This continues through our lives after we have been in more relationships and hurt more. Every time we end a relationship, we often tend to build higher and higher walls, and if you are really looking for a serious relationship, it becomes harder and harder to open up to that possibility.
Let’s break it down, in my way. I’m going to start with opening the heart and mind. Opening your heart is probably the most obvious thing that needs to be done right? That’s clear. Opening your mind, I’m actually glad he brought that one up, because we know we need to open our hearts in order to let people in, but to me opening your mind is just as important. I think we tend to have a perception of the type of person we will end up in a relationship with. Sometimes though, someone amazing walks into our lives that doesn’t necessarily fit that image. That’s when we need to open our minds…. otherwise, we risk letting that amazing person walk right back out.
Then comes the fear, which really is something that’s probably there from the beginning, and while we often get over that initial fear, it often comes back. It comes back at the moment we realize that we have opened our heart our and minds, and that amazing person is standing there in front of us, and fear takes over and we become frozen, and unable to make a move. And again, we risk that amazing person that walked into our lives at the most unexpected, and yet the most perfect time, walk right back out. What is that fear about? The fear of rejection? The fear of being hurt by them? The fear that we are undeserving of them? The fear that a friendship will be “ruined”?
I think the bigger question is this…what is the risk? What is the risk of NOT letting go of your fears, and NOT opening your heart and mind, and what do you risk by letting that amazing person who walked into your life unexpectedly, walk back out? Yes there is the chance that by telling them how you feel, you could be rejected, there is the chance that it could work for a while and in the end you get hurt. However, you may also find, if you just let go, that you have found the person that you are meant to be with. . . and it could last forever. Yes, I actually believe that.
Yeah, that’s what I got for tonight. I will call my friend out, and say that I don’t believe he follows his own advice. I will also say that I opened my heart and mind last year, and a very unexpected amazing person did walk into my life. And I did take the risk kind of told him how I felt, and no he didn’t feel the same way. HOWEVER, it didn’t kill me right?
Just because it doesn’t work out the way you want it to, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work out the way its meant to.
But I Don’t Trust Anyone. . .
For the last week I have been processing my experience at the Celebrate Your Life Conference last weekend. It’s A LOT to process, and I can’t even begin to explain how that experience resinated with me. I will share more as the weeks go on, but I thought I would share first the one thing that hit me the fastest and the hardest…. and I even came up with it all on my own.
If you have spoken with me more than once, I’m sure you would have, at some point, heard me say “but you know, I
don’t trust people.” Last Saturday, I realized I say that sentence at least once a day. Whether it be not trusting because of the fear of being hurt, screwed over, or judged, I’ve been that way for many, many years.
We had to do an exercise in Sunny Dawn Johnston’s workshop, that to me was very personal in not only sitting very close with another person that we did not know, but we also had to allow them to touch us (no, not inappropriately), so we had to completely trust that person. I won’t go to in depth, because I would love for everyone to try this one day. But of course, my normal programs went off IMMEDIATELY upon hearing about the details of this exercise. First thing that came to my head “What am I doing here? I can’t do this, I don’t trust people.” Now, of course I did the exercise, because that’s the whole reason I attended this conference, to open myself up and learn new things. And surprise, surprise my partner caused me no harm, not physically, emotionally, or mentally and WITHOUT judgement. Really surprisingly however, was how I felt afterwards, aside from realizing I wasn’t harmed by trusting this person, I also felt this love, yes I said it love, from this person I had never in my life met before.
When I went home that night, after a few more workshops, I realized I had been what I had been working through that entire day. It hit me then, that I literally say “well, you know, I don’t trust people” at least once a day, and in doing that I have actually planted the seed in my brain that I can’t trust people. And worst of all, it has taken me at least 20 years to figure that out.
Now I will give myself credit and say that this year I really have stepped outside my little tiny box and said I was going to trust more, yet on only one occasion, and with only one person did I actually do that. I will also be honest and say that with this particular person, I did somewhat end up getting hurt. However, I also got back up and opened myself up more than I ever have with other people, in th meantime still telling myself and everyone around me daily that I don’t trust people. I don’t believe in letting my walls down completely, and I’m pretty sure I never will. However, in realizing that I began not trusting at a very young age because of people and experiences, I’m now at a point that I don’t trust, simply because I have engrained in my head that I CAN’T. That’s a sad and lonely existence for anyone don’t you think?
Being the analyzer that I am, I have been looking at where else in my life this little seed planting has shown up. How many negative things do we tell ourselves on a daily basis that causes us to truly believe we are a certain way, or that we have to be a certain way, when in fact, it’s not even true? I’m not smart enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m not pretty enough, I could never do that, I could never be that….. Maybe some of these things have been told to us once or twice in life, but it is our own minds that truly make us believe it by repeating it every day. What if every day, whether we felt it or not, we said “I am worthy” or “I am beautiful” or “I can be anything”? If we end up believing our negative lies, why wouldn’t we be able to believe our positive truths? It is up to US, ourselves to plant the seeds, and it is up to US to make sure they are positive seeds.
Ok, got just a little bit off track, so lets wrap this up with the trust thing. For me personally, I have, in the past not trusted people for the following reasons: Fear of being hurt by that person (physically or emotionally), fear of being screwed over by someone, and fear of being judged.
Fear of being hurt – some people are just going to hurt us right? Whether intentionally or unintentionally. It is up to me as to how I react or feel when someone hurts me. Granted, if they hurt me physically, I can admit that I am not strong enough yet that I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t physically hurt them back. However, being hurt emotionally is a way of life, and again it’s our reaction to that situation that makes it hurt. No one can hurt us unless we allow them to. The person that I said I trusted fully, and ended up being hurt by… It took me a long time to realize it, but he didn’t hurt me, he never had any intention of hurting me, and when I look down deep in my soul, I know that hurting me is the last thing he would ever do. It is how I chose to process that situation that made it “hurtful”. And I have to say, that finally being at peace with that situation, and forgiving not only him, but myself is amazing, and hopefully one day we’ll be close friends again.
Fear of being screwed over – Sad to say, but there are just some bad people out there, and some of them are going to screw me over. It is what it is, you can take everything away from me and I will still have myself and my family, so in reality I can’t be screwed over. Isn’t it amazing what perception can do?
Fear of being judged (probably the worst for me) – well guess what, in the words of Wayne Dyer, “Your Opinion of me is none of my business.” Truly, it isn’t. I know the person that I am, and if you are judging me based on my appearance or something I say or do, then the fact is that you don’t know me, and that’s not my loss, so no it isn’t any of my business. Also, on a side note to that “all judgments are self-judgments”. Meaning, I am a mirror of you and you are a mirror of me, so the things you don’t like about me, are the things you don’t like about yourself, so one more time to plant the seed in my brain, and yours, “your opinion of me is none of my business.”
People are going to hurt us, people are going to screw us over, people are going to judge us. The important thing is this… Don’t ever be the person to hurt someone else…. Don’t ever screw anyone over… Don’t judge another person…. that way when the one and only being that actually has the right to judge us, we’ll be in pretty good shape.
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