How Many Do You Have?
We all have them in our lives. Some more than others; some closer than others. The “friends” who are often negative, complaining or self-centered. Maybe they obsessively monopolize your time by discussing all of the terrible things that are going wrong in their life, or how every day is a bad day. The “friends” who constantly ask favors, or expect you to pick up the pieces of their broken day. Maybe they even insult you with subtle put-downs or cover you with guilt or make you feel self conscious. “Friends” who need endless financial, emotional or mental support, yet they provide little or no support for you. Often times they are not only not supportive, but outright insensitive to your needs for comfort or understanding during your own trials. These are the friends that I like to call Energy Suckers. We all have them in our lives to some extent, some people probably do a better job at keeping those people at arms-length than others.
If you have enough of these Energy Suckers in your life, there comes a point that it all comes to a head. You find that you are popping Benedryl or Nyquil to help you sleep, then when you finally sleep your night is over-ridden with nightmares, so even though you finally got some sleep you feel more tired than you did before. You notice that your personality has changed, and you become edgy and resentful. Your eyes start to twitch and you start stuttering your words. The small amount of stress you once had turns in to full-blown anxiety, and you begin to have uncontrollable panic attacks. Your physical, mental and emotional health becomes jeopardized and you know you must make a change.
Why do we keep these people in our lives? There are many reasons, we may feel trapped, or unworthy of better. We have a need for people to need us and we just want to help people. Maybe it’s a family member so you feel required to keep the relationship as it is. Maybe we feel that no one can help them the way we can. Maybe we just can’t handle the idea of losing that person from our lives, or we are scared to approach the person or people about the problem.
It comes down to this. The only thing we can do is take responsibility for the situation. By tolerating the negative behavior of others, you are condoning it. By taking the abuse, because it IS abuse, you are discounting your own self-worth, and we all deserve better than that. Making excuses for Energy Suckers or remaining silent just to get along with them is just people pleasing, and the sad news is that Energy Suckers cannot be pleased, no matter what you do or say. It’s time to make a decision, either cut the person out of your life, or at the very least set some boundaries.
Friendship is about positive give and take. We all benefit from someone else’s energy sometimes, that’s what friendships are about. However, when helping your friend is hurting you over and over you need to consider the importance of self-care. If you consistently feel anxious, depressed, unsatisfied or stressed after speaking or spending time with your friend, that’s a sign you need to act on your behalf to protect your peace. Feeling obligated to an unhealthy relationship is counterproductive to you and your goals in life.
I’ve often heard it said that we are the sum of our top 5 friends. We are almost always judged by the company we keep. By continuing on the path of surrounding ourselves with Energy Suckers, and losing ourselves, we are also being judged by who THOSE people are. We must really take a look and see if those people are a good representation of ourselves.
It really is a very hard thing to deal with. You try to tell yourself it will get better, or that they need you. I wonder why we so often discount our own needs, or how badly we may need someone else’s support in order to help a person, who doesn’t even seem to want to be helped.
It comes down to this, how well can we take care of someone else if we aren’t being taken care of ourselves? At one point or another we need to realize that by allowing the wrong people to suck our energy, we have nothing left to give to ourselves, which in turn means we have nothing to give to anyone else. The truth is, the “right” people, won’t constantly suck our energy, they will lift us up with their love and support.
Pay it Forward
Back in 2000, a move came out called “Pay It Forward”. I, personally thought it was a great movie, a great concept at the very least. The concept is this: “asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead.” It’s actually quite simple, however what I would love to see is the first word taken of that. Meaning, what if we did things for others simply because someone did something nice for us?
Whoa, what a concept right? Okay let me break it down with an example. A couple of months ago I was talking to a co-worker/friend of mine regarding a specific situation. In that, she had mentioned that she doesn’t feel like there is really away to help me like I have helped her. Simply put, I showed her how to do a few things, and she didn’t feel like she had anything to show me back. I personally, was expecting nothing in return, that’s not the kind of person that I am. But, in going further into the conversation, she had mentioned that another assistant in the office didn’t know how to do something, so she had spent some time with her to show her. WOW, big AHA for me, the big AHA was this. . . It filled my heart to hear that she had taken time out of her day to help someone else. For me, that was repayment enough for anything that I had helped her with…. I feel like all of my words are jumbling together, and they may even be starting to confuse me!
Let’s go with one more example, you’re leaving a gas station, waiting to make a right turn on to a main street. Someone is kind enough to stop, and leave you room to allow you to enter the road. . . How good does that make you feel? Have you ever noticed, that almost every time, you are soon after given the opportunity to do the same for someone else? Chances are as you are driving the rest of your trip, you will see someone trying to pull out of a parking lot, will you slow down and let them out, or are you going to speed up to be the first in line for that red light?
The point is, when people do something kind for you, you may not have the ability to “repay” them. But you can certainly pass their kindness on to someone else.
What if for one day, EVERY ONE started the day doing something kind for someone else, then on top of that, every one of the people who experienced a kind act, paid it forward? What would that do for our world…just for one day?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Who Are you Doing this for?
It’s amazing to me how sometimes you come up with one thought, and in speaking about it, it snowballs into a million different ideas.
Every week I meet with my team to discuss our goals, for the year, month, and week. Of course as it was my turn, and my weight loss goal came up, I got a little nervous. (Stay tuned for tomorrow’s blog which goes into that topic more). In explaining why I am changing my weight loss goals etc, a HUGE light bulb went off in my head. Maybe one of the reasons, in 32 years I haven’t met my weight loss goals is because I was doing it for the wrong reason….or for the wrong people.
When I was a kid, I dieted because, well, I was told to. As I got older it was because I didn’t want other people to make fun of me, as I got older still, I just wanted to be pretty. I was tired of hearing, “You’d be so pretty if you were thinner.” After my Mom died, I wanted to make her proud, and I wanted to make my sisters proud. I wanted to stop hearing “you need to get your weight under control”, especially from people who have no understanding of what it is like to have a weight problem, or medical conditions that lie below the surface which complicate the whole process. At 32, I’m back to just wanting to be able to be thin for my next trip to Cancun, to please my sisters, and to please society who thinks it’s a must to be thin and pretty. Finally, I tell myself it’s because I just want to have a baby. (Knowing that if that were true, I would be thin already).
So it brings me to this… in my review of all the reasons I “wanted” to lose weight in my lifetime, it was never for myself. I know this, because I have actually fought the idea of having to lose weight in order for people to accept me. I feel that people should accept me for me, thin, fat, tall, short, whatever.
Isn’t this something we all do on some level? How many of us go to college right out of high school because it’s what our parents want us to do? More importantly, were we as successful in college as we would have been, had we gone because it was something we really wanted to do?
What if we took the time to really look inside ourselves and decide what WE want, and reach for those goals? Would we be more successful at the things we attempt if we did them because it was something we truly desired rather than trying to please other people? And really, what is the benefit of pleasing other people so much? Wouldn’t it be more valuable to our lives and purposes to fulfill our needs, rather than other peoples’ desires? In the end it is our life that is effected, therefore, isn’t it our own life and purpose we should worry about fulfilling rather than someone else’s vision for us?
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ”
Also….don’t forget to check out my friend David’s blog as well. We have both committed to blogging together three times a week.
Stop Worrying About Everyone Else and Worry about Yourself
I have to say that I am truly blessed to be surrounded and supported by some very amazing people. There are very few people in this world who are not afraid to call me out on my crap, this is the quality I think I cherish most in both Kevin & Fred (they’re my “bosses”, if you didn’t already know that).
Every week we have an accountability meeting, in which we discuss not only my job goals, but my personal and personal financial as well. I decided to take an item off my personal goals because I didn’t feel like I had time to really dedicate the time to doing it, even though I feel it is something that I need to do, and would benefit tremendously from.
Well, of course they both questioned me as to why I took it off, and I was asked if rather than stop doing it completely, wouldn’t it be more beneficial to at least do it part of the way. Of course I made my excuses as to why that wouldn’t work, and OF COURSE, they called me out on it. Said I don’t finish anything I start (for myself). This is SO true, I don’t. In fact I was thinking about it the other night, actually I think about it quite often. Aside from career goals, I have not completed many of the things I have set out to do over the course of my life. I beat myself up about that one constantly, and in my conversation with Kevin & Fred a lot of it became clear for me.
I have a habit of putting other people before myself, I always have been that way. Kevin opened my eyes by sharing with me something Rick Geha said at a class last week, basically stating that by not taking care of myself, how can I really take care of and give to others….. Wow, that’s deep stuff. Wait it gets so much better… He went on to say that if I want children, do I really want to teach them that other people’s needs are more important than their own, because despite what we tell our kids, they do as we do. No for me that was an EXTREMELY smart tactic, knowing how much I want children. (Those guys know me too well!) It also really made me think about my Mom, that’s the person she was, her whole entire life she always put other people before herself, even though she used to say “Stop worrying about everyone else, and worry about yourself.” I truly am I my mother’s daughter, which by the way I couldn’t be prouder of. But as much as I thought I had broken most of the bad cycles I grew up with, this is one that I had never considered.
So, needless to say the spiritual/self development goal that I had taken off my goal sheet is of course back on. I could never begin to describe how grateful I am to have Kevin and Fred in my life, who always force me to see another side of things, and get out of my own way. I’m blessed to have two people who want better things for me than I want for myself.
That being said, how many times have you given up on a goal or dream because someone else’s was more important? If that person really cares about you, do you think that is truly what they would want for you? Better yet, why do we so often see ourselves as less important that those around us? Chances are, they don’t think we are less important.
I believe it’s true that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t truly give of ourselves to others. So who are we hurting and/or helping by treating ourselves poorly?
Giving without Expectations
I often ponder how we have become a society of people who give to others only if they feel they can get something in return. I believe that giving should be unconditional, with no expectation (there is that word again) of some kind of gain. I think about this often, however, it came up for me again today, and I thought I would blog about it.
Todays experience was this… a professional partner of mine needed access to a home to perform an inspection for one of our buyers, that he was not able to do yesterday as originally planned. When he called me and told me the situation, I told him I would drive out there and meet him and let him in so he could get it taken care of. So on my lunch I schlepped from Tempe to Laveen, and hung out for a bit while he completed his inspection. When we were leaving, he said, “wow, you really went above and beyond. I really owe you now huh?” Although he was somewhat joking, I wondered in my head what his experiences have been with people who have helped him out in the past, and what they had expected in return. I was kind of taken aback, and actually told him that I just do what I do, I don’t need to be owed for anything. All I ask for is a simple thank you (that goes back to my expectation of kindess, and of course good manners.)
I think that giving is a part of a good life (and I want to be clear, when I say giving, I’m not just talking about money or material things, sometimes you just need to give a little of yourself or your time), and I am a total believer in Karma, and what goes around comes around. Therefore, by just helping someone or giving to someone because you truly have the desire to, it will always come back to you at some point in your life. Haven’t you ever noticed that when you are driving, and you decided to be nice and stop and give someone room to pull out of a driveway, at some point that day someone does the same for you?
I also wonder why many people have the need to announce to the world the good that they have done for others. Why, when someone gives $5.00 to a homeless person, or donates to a charity, or stops to help someone change a tire, must they announce to the world that they have done this good thing? I guess my real question is, why isn’t just giving to or helping someone enough, why must we always need more?
If you are keeping a tally of all the things you have done for someone or ways you have helped them, chances are you aren’t doing it for the right reasons. If you only give because you are looking for some kind of reward, whether it be material, to hold it over their head, or even recognition from other people, are you really giving something to someone or are you actually in fact taking from them?
Yeah, those are my thoughts for today. More to come I’m sure!
“To give and not expect anything in return; to give for no special time or season; to give, not for any particular recognition; to give, not for a substantial tax refund; to give for the sake of giving — often just between giver and receiver — has a life of its own — an elevated one.”
—Glaceta Honeyghan
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