Behind Blue Eyes
It’s funny, people often say that my best physical feature are my eyes. Beautiful blue eyes, which change with my mood. Often a crystal blue when I’m happy, or a deep blue when I’m serious, dark gray when I’m angry, bright shiny aqua blue when I cry. It’s ironic really that I got these beautiful blue eyes from a very ugly person. It should also be known that these beautiful blue eyes came with a price, I also inherited the legal blindness that came with them. Yep, without my contacts I am legally blind (My vision is 20/2600, while normal is 20/20), have been since I was four years old. Since I was a child I waited for the day that I completely lost my vision. I used to walk around the house with my eyes closed so I could learn my way, the honest truth is I still do that. The benefit? Well I can walk around in the dark and not bump in to things, that comes in handy for midnight bathroom trips. This is where my topic today begins, with one small lesson. Things aren’t always what they seem….people aren’t always who they seem. We may look at someone and see beauty…while they look at themselves and see something very ugly.
I often say, and think that no one truly knows who I am. This is something that I often struggle with. I have always done a very good job of being the person I thought other people wanted me to be. So here’s the question, whose “fault” is it that no one really knows the true me, is it theirs for not trying or mine for hiding my true self? It’s taken me a long time, but I’m going to take the blame for this one. While it’s not really about shame or blame, it is about acknowledging that I have put myself in this place, and it is up to me to change it if that is what I truly want.
Like many people, I have experienced some really messed up stuff in my life, both self-inflicted and inflicted by others. While I always swore I would never be held down by those experiences, the more I look at myself, the more I see that in a way I have been. See here’s the truth, while I’m not my past, my past did form who I am today. In all honesty, aside from losing my mother, I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it has made me who I am. (I also know that losing my mother has made me who I am, however, that one I would change) But really, all the other terrible stuff, a really messed up childhood, a really messed up relationship, a miscarriage, doing some really really stupid things, I wouldn’t change them. I learned from those things, those experiences completely molded the person that I am. Part of that, was making me “hard” as people like to say, some say strong, others say… well it doesn’t really matter. The truth is, somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was. I started to hide myself, with clothes, with food, with anger, with my intelligence, with the masks that I have chosen to wear, and while I like to say that no one knows me, maybe I don’t know myself. I think we all wear masks on some level, whether it be because we’re afraid of being judged, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of being hurt…I think all of those things pertain to me, but I’m also aware all of those statements begin with fear.
So here’s my project. Going to school is a great vehicle to begin looking inside of myself and really learning who I am. In the spirit of sharing with people who I am, I’m going to begin sharing those insights with you. My friends, my aquaintances, strangers, whoever decides to take the time to read this. I’m going to put it all out there, understanding the risk of being judged and being vulnerable, and further understanding that if someone chooses to judge me that’s on them. While I feel like this project is part of my journey, I also feel like some of the experiences I have had in life may be similar to other peoples’ experiences, which means maybe in some way my experiences can help someone.
Rather than write a book tonight, I’m going to wrap up by saying this. You may look at someone and see their beautiful eyes or their warm smile, or hear their hearty laugh, are you willing to look behind what you see and hear and see the person for what they really are? Their pain, and their anger, and their demons and most importantly, are you able to love them through it. In fact, as humans, isn’t that all we’re looking for? Unconditional love.
Blessings
HH
The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.
I hope you didn’t count me out just yet, because yes I am back once again. It’s been 5 or 6 months since you have heard from me, so let me give you a brief summary of what has been going on.
This year has been a huge journey from me, from starting a new job to leaving a new job to starting my own business and starting back in school. It truly has been a year of learning experiences for me, and in all honesty I’m just in a completely different place than I have been. . . and I’m loving the ride.
I went to Oregon on September, because I’m very drawn there and would one day like to move there. As I laid on the massage table at our hotel (I bought myself a birthday massage, hey I earned it!) the light came on in my head that it was time to go back to school. I started at SWIHA last year, but was unable to really commit due to my job and my own commitment level, and clearly my inability to find balance. Truly a big part of why I left my job last year was because I was trying to get to this place of finding my purpose and following that path through school. At the beginning of this year I think I just got caught up in trying to survive I lost sight of that, but it hit me smack in the forehead as I was on that massage table. So, the first thing I did when I came home from Oregon? Re-register for school! I run my own business, make my own hours, choose my clients, really what better time?
Making the decision to go back to school really forced me to decide what was important to me, and I tell you what, it isn’t “stuff”. While I have never considered myself a materialistic person, I have been blessed for many years to make very comfortable money. When I decided to start my own business I really didn’t have that cushion I would have liked to and just dove in. That decision has forced me to live a simpler life, which in fact is what I have been trying to do for years. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge! So here I am running my business and going to school full time. My focus has been taken away from building a mega-business and put on living a purposeful life. I am making less money now than I have probably in 15 years and I am happier than I have ever been. Yes I said it, I am starting to be filled by a sense of peace that I haven’t been able to find…ever. I choose my clients, knowing by doing so I am limiting my income, but expanding that peace, I say that is a FAIR trade. I have an extremely small clientele, each and every one I consider a friend, who are supporting me through this journey, and who are rooting me on from the sidelines, and I am truly blessed by that.
So, I could go on for days, I have so much to share, so many light bulbs that have been turned on on my head. On Monday at school I had a classmate tell me that I am supposed to share my voice, THAT is why I’m back. Not only to share with you, whoever decides to read this, the things that I have learned and experienced, but also to reflect on these things myself.
Since my Mom passed away almost 7 years ago, I have said that I want to share her legacy. The classmate I mentioned above said to me not too long ago, that I also have my own legacy to share. So, my hope is that just one of my blogs, maybe 5 of my words will have an effect on someone’s life.
I would also like to take a moment to thank some people, who truly have been beyond supportive in the many changes that I have been going through the past few months. My sisters, first and foremost for just being supportive and constantly reminding me that they are here for me. My dad, well just for being my Dad. Mac, I don’t have words for you. For renting me a desk in your office for free, for being a great client, for being a great partner, for my heart hugs, for listening to me share what I learned in class, and for just being you! Cameron, my best friend who has kindly dealt with my attitude shifts (nice way of wording that huh?) Our relationship is going through some changes, but you will always be my bestie. Josh G, I’m so glad I finally talked you into utilizing my services. We don’t see each other often, but you have a great energy, and I’m proud to be in business with you. There really are too many people to thank, wow! David B, my Teddy Baird, I just love you. Kevin & Fred, I’m not on your team anymore, and I don’t get to see you much, but I continue to be blessed by both of you, and I can’t thank you enough for being there when I have truly needed you. To EVERYONE in my life, who is witnessing my journey and not telling me that I will hate Oregon, or that I’m crazy, or any of the other negative crap I have heard over the last year…thank you and that’s why you are still in my life. 
I have no time for negativity, and quite frankly, neither should any of you.
Life is short, live much and love often. Remember life isn’t about the things.
The key to change… is to let go of fear
I think its natural to have a fear of change, I’m pretty sure every person has experienced it at least once in life.
In my last post I had mentioned that I have been re-evaluating my life and that I felt it was time to stop waiting for life to happen. Well I have taken the first step. I have officially given my notice at my job in order to start my own business. While it was something that I was waiting for until I had the amount of money I felt like I needed as a cushion, I also felt like I would never have that money. Not that the money wouldn’t come to me, but you know, you save money, then something in the car or house breaks and the money is gone. Its like people who say they want kids but they are waiting until the right time…Its waiting until the right time that forces life to pass you by.
I realize that while I have overcome a lot of things in life, but I have also allowed fear to stop me from doing a lot.
Starting my own Transaction Management business is something that I have been wanting to do for several years, but I had been waiting for the right time. Well I have made the right time today. I know that I am good at what I do, and I know I will be successful. Sure there may be a few months that I will struggle, but the truth is I will most likely be very successful. Even if I’m not, at least I’ll know that I tried.
The more I think about it, the more I things I think about that fears stop us from doing. Changing jobs, starting businesses for fear of failure, those are common. Then there are those of us who never tell the person we love that we love them because we are afraid they won’t feel the same way. We are hesitant to start a relationship because we are afraid it will fail or that we will lose the friendship we have with that person. We don’t buy a house because we are afraid we won’t be able to afford it. We put of having children because we think maybe we can’t afford it, or that we won’t be good enough parent.
But maybe it isn’t always about the fear of failure or the fear that we can’t afford something, or that we aren’t good enough. Maybe we have other fears, the fear that our new business will actually be successful. The fear that we don’t deserve that success,or that we don’t deserve that new house, or worse that we don’t deserve the unconditional love of a relationship or a child.
Here’s the thing, if we don’t overcome those fears, there can be no change, and without change there can be now growth. The sad truth is but not telling the people we love that we love them, or taking a chance on that relationship, or new job or having that child we always wanted we miss the moment, a moment we most likely will never get back.
In the last year I have told someone I was in love with them…and no they didn’t feel the same way… but I’m still here, I survived. I held a baby for the first time since I miscarried 13 years ago, something I refused to do in the past because I was afraid I couldn’t handle it. I left a job with people that I adored to take less money, I now gave my notice to start my own business. I’ve said things to people that I was afraid would make them hate me, but they didn’t because they knew where my heart was. Sure the fear is still there, its something that will always be in the back of our heads, it just a part of life. But the truth is that fear is nothing but an illusion, even an excuse not to challenge ourselves. We get comfortable where we are and every change scares us. Changes and choices we make may hurt more than others. However, those choices and changes, and overcoming fears are growth, regardless of the outcome. If we aren’t growing, can we even say that we are living?
If I have learned nothing else this week, I have learned that life is entirely to short to wait for great things to come to us, life is too short to not take the risk to make a change, or to say the things we are afraid to say. Tomorrow is NOT promised, we have all heard that, we all know it logically. Sadly though, it sometimes takes the loss of a friend to really remind us and make us understand it. While I can say I don’t have any words left unsaid with the people I care about, I know I have a lot of changes to make to fulfill my dreams.
What fears are you willing to overcome to have the life you deserve? What change are you willing to make to ensure that life doesn’t just pass you by? What words that need to be said are you willing to say before you never get a chance to say them?
My regret is that it took the loss of an amazing man this week to remind me of these things that I already knew. Rest in Peace David Horton.
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