Joy
I’m long overdue for a post and what I’m about to share is something I have been going back and forth about for the last 24 hours. It is something that is going to get slightly personal for me, and quite honestly uncomfortable to share. HOWEVER, I decided that if by sharing what I have to say can help or change the thought of one person it will have been worth-while. So, here it goes.
I have been feeling oddly disconnected lately, disconnected and conflicted. I think the majority of it just has to do with a lot of new things in life and trying to find balance, and heading more in the direction of what I truly desire. So, last night I had a slight little “breakdown” for lack of a better word and I discovered something. Like, hardcore something I have never thought about in my life. I realized something about myself that is sticking in my heart, and I’m trying to understand it a little bit better and work through it.
As a young child I experienced and witnessed some messed up stuff, so I learned how to put up a guard and not really let my feelings show much. Then at 19 when I was in my first serious relationship I felt way too much and wore it on my sleeve. After 7+ years of that followed by the loss of my mother I realize now, that I reverted back to a childhood habit and took it to another level…. I just don’t feel my own emotions. Nothing, Nada, Zip. Now this is really kind of weird, because I am an extremely empathetic person, and feel other peoples’ pain and joy so deeply I feel it deep in my soul. But what I finally realized last night is that when it comes to my own joy and pain, I got nothing.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am relatively happy person. I love my family and I have a few close friend who make me pretty happy. But when it comes to true jump up and down excitement…nope, don’t remember the last time that happened….when it comes to feeling my pain……nope, nothing….. I used to think that it was because I have known for the last 7 years that nothing could hurt as much as the loss of my mother, but I honestly never even dealt with that pain. It’s like the moment she was gone, I turned off. I literally turned off all internal, self-related emotion. And now… well I kind of wonder where it went. I wonder if I can’t feel my own pain, will I ever feel TRUE joy. And THAT is why I have to share. Here is my lesson……
Turning off my pain has been a self-defense mechanism that served me for a time. The challenge is that I never took the time to really do anything with it, and now over the years I have just day by day turned it all off. NOW, I realize, this self-defense mechanism is no longer serving me, truly it hasn’t for several years. And while I confess that I still don’t think I am ready to jump head first into my mother’s death, I do have this new awareness. This awareness that I am living in neutral. Sure no feelings of pain, and at the same time I have risked the feeling of joy. That’s been my cost.
Living in neutral is fine for a time, there are times when that is what best serves us, and actually sometimes helps us to move forward. But when you open your eyes one day and realize that you have been stuck feeling the same way for years, you have to realize that something is amiss. And what are you willing to do about it?
Myself, I have been journaling a lot, and taking one day at a time, and making new small changes every day. What I want to say to you, anyone who is reading this who feels 
stuck in a similar “thing”, is don’t wait too long. Talk to someone, write, get your creative juices flowing. While it FEELS better not to feel any pain, understand that there is a cost to everything. So the cost of not feeling pain, is not feeling any of the other wonderful feelings that we are truly meant to feel every day.
So yeah, that’s my story. Today is better than yesterday….May tomorrow be better than today.
Blessings….
Disappointment
Here’s the truth, somewhere along the line someone close to us will disappoint us. Here’s more truth, disappointment is an emotion that we ourselves are responsible for. Huh? No, really it’s true. No one can make us feel anything without our permission, so while someone stands us up or isn’t there for us when we hope they will be, or they forget something, it isn’t necessarily that their intention was to hurt us. The way we respond to “disappointments” is our own choice. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or anger us, it’s just a circumstance that we have the power to choose how we react to.
Sometimes things come up, sometimes emergencies happen, sometimes the people that we call friends are a little more self-centered than we’d like them to be. The true question is whether or not it is something that came up, or if it is a recurring theme that happens with someone.
For example, you make plans with a really good friend who has always been there for you and although you make plans to go to the movies they call 30 minutes prior and cancel because something came up. Okay this sucks, we’re disappointed and life goes on. It’s not something that happens often, if at all, and although you were really excited about hanging out with this person, you feel a little disappointed….and you get over it. No one’s fault, life happens, everyone is over it.
Example #2. You have a good friend that you always have a good time with and you love dearly. This friend forgets plans that have been made, things come up, they’re late, make excuses and/or they continuously disappoint you. This isn’t new for them, you think you are used to it, but every time it happens your heart hurts and you are disappointed. Who is responsible for you feeling disappointed this time? Is it the person who is famous for standing you up and not being there when they say they are going to be? Or once again is no one really at fault. The truth is this person exhibits the same behavior they always have, it isn’t that they have changed for the worse. Why is their fault for not changing who they are? We have a choice in this type of situation. We accept that the person will never change and we never let it bother us when they are who they are… OR if that isn’t something we are capable of doing, we have to decide if this relationship is beneficial to us, and if it is worth us allowing ourselves to feel hurt or disappointed. (Yes, I said “allow ourselves”).
The truth is, in my opinion, people don’t change. They may change habits, they may change routines, sometimes a person’s true colors eventually shine through for the better or the worse, but at the core they don’t change. What right would we have to try to change them? If we are in relationship with someone it is because we accept and love them for who they are, who are we to say what they should or shouldn’t change about themselves? If there is something we don’t like about someone on our lives we have a simple choice to make, suck it up and accept them or realize they may not be someone that you want in your life, or in your close circle. It’s okay to do that, it truly is okay when you realize that someone isn’t the person you need them to be in your life, for you to decide they need to be in one of your outer circles, or in no circle at all. It’s better to do that then try to change them, or to allow yourself to feel hurt by them all the time and just resent them. Don’t you think? Resentment certainly doesn’t benefit either party, so why continue to hurt yourself? Yep, by allowing this type of relationship or behavior to continue where you are constantly feeling hurt, you are doing that to yourself, no one is doing that to you.
My Mom used to say “Shit on my once, shame on you; Shit on my twice, shame on me.” I think that applies here as well.
We are the creators of our own life. No one can do to us what we don’t allow them to do. There comes a point in life where we need to be the best person we can be, and sometimes that means changing relationships or making difficult decisions. Regardless, it truly is up to us how we allow people to treat us, in then end it is our own responsibility to make sure we are taken care of. Surround yourself with love, surround yourself with people who truly care about you, realize that regardless of who you are or what you may have done in your life you deserve to be treated well….you owe it to yourself and everyone in your life to ensure that you not only treat others well, but that you are treated well.
Blessings…
Eggnog
So this is Christmas. This is probably the first year ever that I haven’t found my Christmas Spirit. I have been thinking about it and trying to figure out where it so I can go find it.
Here’s the deal, I’m not a Christian, I grew up celebrating Christmas because my Dad is Catholic, so for me the holiday always meant family more than anything. I have respect for the holiday itself, and what it signifies to those who believe. Generally my Christmas spirit comes to me by the first of December. I was a little worried when it didn’t show up, but had high hopes there was still time. The days went on, the shopping didn’t get done, the lights didn’t go up, the cookies didn’t get baked, and I’m wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I acknowledge that my Christmas spirit definitely has waned since my Mom passed away, but it has still always come… until this year. So I sit and I think and I wonder what it could be.
Really nothing has changed, sure I’m a bit busier, I have had a cold, I’ve been tired, but here’s the the discovery that I have made. I am so saddened by what this HOLYday has become. Yes, I said it, it is supposed to be a Holy Day. What has happened to us? I see so many posts about people being pissed off because they can’t say Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays and their so worried about this and that. That it’s their country and they shouldn’t have to worry about offending anyone so they should be able to say Merry Christmas, and people should have respect and only say Happy Holidays. I am SO tired of this crap! Say whatever the hell you want to say, and stop complaining about it and hating on the people who don’t celebrate your chosen holiday, whatever holiday that may be (if you even celebrate a holiday).
We spend so much time harping on how much we disagree with another’s religion or political beliefs that we have completely screwed this holiday season up. We spend more time posting about how upset we are because we couldn’t get the gifts we wanted to get. In the meantime, because we have forgotten what this holiday is truly about, and we are a country who can’t go a day without shopping, that all the stores are advertising they are open on Christmas. Like this is a good thing? The almighty dollar has become more important than our celebration of this day or the time that we could be spending with our families.
I am truly saddened by what we have come to. I say it often, but am feeling it so much during this holiday season that it hurts. Our troops are STILL across the world fighting, there are STILL people who have no homes and no food, there are STILL people dying of Cancer and of AIDs, there are STILL people dying at the hands of their husbands, their wives, and their parents, and all we can think about is how offended we are about not being allowed to offend other people? For the love of G-d, be grateful and feel blessed if that is truly the biggest thing you have to worry about. Do you even know how blessed you are?
Tonight, as I write this, I pray that one day each of us can see beyond our difference and love others through them. Tonight, as I write this, I pull my Christmas spirit out of a box and thank God that I am blessed enough to be able to spend tomorrow with my loved ones, blessed enough to have a hearty meal to share, blessed enough to be loved by my family because I am different. Tonight, as I write this, I look up to heaven and say Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to my mother.
Tonight, as I write this, I pray for each of you to have a blessed day, regardless of your beliefs or traditions.
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or whatever floats your boat.
Blessings.
Ripples
I’d like to take the start of today’s post to recognize two ladies who have come into my life and changed it. Two ladies, who until recently I had never met in person. These two amazing, dynamic women are on a mission to change the world, and in doing so have absolutely changed MY world.
Through Facebook posts they have shared their vision. They are creating a film, and in doing so have truly created a movement, a movement that I am so proud to be a small part of. First I would see their posts about their film, then I would see posts about community outreach they were doing, then I would see other people getting involved, and then I got involved.
While I donate as often and as much as I can, it has become something so much more for me. I have always tried to give money and food to those less fortunate when I could, in the last few months it has magnified. For me it has turned into something so much different than just giving money when I can. As soon as I opened myself up to give more of MYSELF, more opportunities to share have come to me. It has really opened my eyes to how much I want to be able to give, and it has motivated me to work harder.
A couple of weeks ago I met two nice gentlemen as I was walking into Panda Express, and was beyond grateful that a gift given to me that VERY day allowed me to buy them dinner. Two days ago as I walked into Starbucks I saw a younger man sitting on the sidewalk holding a sign that he was hungry. I came out with my daily coffee, along with some hot chocolate and a sausage sandwich and sat with him for a few minutes as he ate. It has become something so more than “seeing someone standing on the side of the street”, it has become human beings, who are truly a part of me, in need. Being connected to each and every one of these people reminds me that THEY are human, and they don’t just need money and food, they need LOVE.
My goal with tonight’s post is beyond sharing what is in my heart. It is a reminder, that those people that you see standing on the corner are a part of you. They could easily be your brother or your sister, son or daughter, Father or Mother, the veteran that you thanked yesterday for protecting your freedom, they could easily be YOU. Maybe you aren’t in a position to give materially, I beg you not to forget to share yourself, your love, with other people.
I also invite you to check out this movement. You can learn more by visiting www.onetruelove.org or https://www.facebook.com/ONeTRUeLOVe.Movement You can also donate by visiting http://www.indiegogo.com/ONe-TRUe-LOVe-Documentary
Thank you Ann & Krysten for starting this movement!
A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime
I’ve always been a believer that people come into, and leave from our lives for a reason. Last year I posted a blog about the closing of a Chapter (click here to read). It really was a goodbye to my Group 46:10 family, a new season was starting.
By no means have any of my Group 46:10 family left my life. I’m quite grateful and blessed that I still get to see my boys often, and have an occasional lunch with my Group 46:10 kids. I learned so much from each of those people, and as I have said before, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt they impacted my life in ways I could never even describe. In January a new season started, and new reasons arose. New people came into my life, and some people I had to let go of. This is the natural order of life in my opinion. God brings different people into our lives at the times we need them. Sometimes those people are taken out of our lives, also for a reason.
I am very blessed, in that so many people have come into my life this year. While I already knew many of the people, some became more influential, some became closer friends, some became family. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would just like to take a moment to mention some of these “new” people. Some who I work with, some who I have met through school. All who have truly touched my life this year.
First and foremost, Mark McIntyre. You were thrown into a funky situation this year when your team dynamic changed and I offered up my services to you. You didn’t blink an eye, you made me a member of your team without me officially being a member of your team. You fully trust my abilities and more than anything have become so much more than a friend. I’m grateful that beyond support my schooling, that you have faith in my abilities as a Transaction Manager, that you had complete faith that I could take over Short Sale Negotiations, that you and I are so on the same page, that you actually enjoy hearing what I learned in class, that you took the time to come to my family birthday dinner this year, that you let me vent, and let me cry and mostly for our heart hugs. I love you, and am SO beyond grateful for you in so many ways.
Mr. Bob O, I am so grateful that you keep me so busy. I’m grateful that you prefer to talk on the phone rather than text, that you became an Apple junkie like 24 hours, that you share what you learn in iPad classes, that you trust in my abilities, that we laugh together ALOT, and that you know and accept that your transactions are going to be trouble…and that you hopefully know they are trouble because someone, somewhere knows you can handle it, and provide the absolute best customer service to your clients.
Josh Gaymen, I adore you! I’m grateful that we have had the opportunity to get to know each other, and that we are so like-minded. I’m grateful that you see the value in what I do, I’m grateful for your spirit, and I’m grateful that you are an amazing Dad and that your family comes first. Don’t ever let that change.
Jaci Mitchell, I’m grateful that we complete each other. No really we do, since you started we have finished each other’s sentences. Your attitude is amazing and I love you more than I thought I could. Pam, I’m grateful that you came to our office. I’m grateful for your smile and for allowing me to be a giant pain in the bum as often as I can. 
(It’s a two-way street after all). Amanda, I’m so beyond grateful for your attitude. You are always smiling and you light up a room. Mike Menefee, I’m grateful you finally gave in. Oskar J, I’m grateful you gave in too, but I think I’m more grateful for the hugs you give me every time you are in the office. Ms. Uzi, I’m grateful that you and I are so like-minded and that we’re going to run for office together.
A few people I have met in school…. Ann, Krysten and Jerica, you truly inspire me to be a better person. Billie, I’m so happy to have you as a partner in a few classes. I love chatting with you. Cody, I’m grateful for you for so many reasons. We don’t talk a lot, but you remind me of what it’s like to be young, most importantly your vulnerability and your spirit warm my heart. You have such an amazing soul I can’t even put it into words.
I’m not trying to leave people out. These are just some of the people who have entered into my life this season and who have already left a mark on my heart. I’m truly grateful for every single person in my life. I’m grateful still to Kevin & Fred for teaching me the short sale business, for helping me to grow as a person, for continuing to support me and praying for me when I need it most, and for loving me. I have said it before, I would where I am today if I hadn’t met you boys. To all of my other friends, who mean so much to me, I hope you know who you are. I’m beyond grateful for each and every one of you. My sisters, I can’t even go there, I believe you know how much you mean to me, and that I would be nothing without you both. And to the people who have left, or have been removed from my life this year…thank you for having been in my life, and helping me to learn the lessons that I needed to learn at the time.
We often remember to be grateful for the “things”. Things can be replaced, people can’t. Don’t ever take them for granted. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Thank you for your support, thank you for reading my blog.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong -doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life
Follow Me